Cheating, accusations and advice

[emijs]

Looking for some advice.

My OH has a history of MH problems - mainly depression and anxiety - I accept this as part of him and have been as supportive as I can (financially supportive when he is out of work, lots of cuddles, encouraging him to peruse hobbies etc). On the whole he has it under control and we have a happy 8 year relationship.

We had a baby about 6 months ago and this seems to have been a catalyst for some pretty weird behaviour. In this time he has lost his job (due to an argument with manager), disappeared for several days at a time over nothing and stopped taking his anti depressants.

A couple of weeks ago, i received a message from one of his former work friends to say that he had cheated on me years previously and that he had told her he had feelings for her. It was completely out of the blue, I had no suspicions. I confronted him and he admitted it. I was so hurt and genuinely considered ending the relationship.

We talked things through and the cheating was a one night drunk stand 4 years ago.. he said he felt like he wasn't getting any affection at home and that's why he did it - at the time I had a condition called vulvyadynia which basically made sex impossible - I had an operation to fix this which on the whole was successful but has made sex psychologically difficult but it's something I've been working on with time. This is something we had discussed at the time and he agreed to stand by me.

The friend apparently "got inside his head" and he didn't mean he had feelings for her and he loves me. In reality I think he felt a bit neglected because I've been putting all my energy into baby.

I decided to forgive him. Mainly because of the baby if I'm 100% honest with myself. I couldn't bare to have to spend time apart from baby, especially when he is so young but equally i do still love my partner and id feel terrible if he missed out on baby's firsts.

Since forgiving him I've tried to be more intimate as this was clearly an issue for him and we had a lovely week where everything seemed good.

One night out of the blue he started accusing me of cheating on him! Apparently I forgave him too easily. The things he is bringing up are from years and years ago - when we first got together - and are based on things he said he saw in my phone. Because it's so long ago I can't remember details but I do know I haven't cheated. These have probably just been taken out of context. It's hard to say now when I have no way of seeing these messages myself. He also goes on about a night I came home drunk and got upset and started apologising to him. He thinks there must be a sinister reason for this - this was about 7 years ago and i told him I have no memory of anything in particular happening. Perhaps at worst someone had tried to kiss me and I moved back - but I have no memory of it and none of my friends do either - so unlikely anything happened. That's only me surmising why I was upset. Not my smartest move as he's now convinced i cheated on him.

He's behaving erratically, calling me a compulsive liar because I say I can't remember, he's punched and broke things in anger over this. Said I'm he one whose caused his depression all this time. Said some pretty nasty stuff. But he always comes back and says he loves me and wants things to work. I don't know what to do! I feel like he'll never let this go despite me forgiving his cheating. I just want things to go back to how they were before. Will it? Or is it time i called time on us? After some practical advice.

He has MH problems and is blaming you rather than seeking help. I would separate. You don't need this.

Does he have mental health problems, or is he just a classic abuser? Sounds like the latter to me.

Either way, this is not a good place for a child to grow up. Get yourself away. He doesn't love you, or he wouldn't treat you like this, that is the long and short of it. Protect your baby and get yourself safe.

With MH, he can sign to give you access to raise concerns with his GP. I have this with my ex (still) as I suffer MH as your DH does.

The alternative is relate. You cant force him to engage with services, but you can book relate to talk about him for your own sake and keep the door open.

It sounds like he has some things to work through and you are being a very supportive partner. If it comes to it, then you need to tell him you both need some time apart. It isnt necessarily permanent, but due to baby, things just need to be calm.

OP, this has tipped over into an abusive relationship.

He's using this drunken night of yours as a distraction and a stick to beat you with so that he can justify to himself his cheating (and whatever the hell he was up to those days he vanished). It's bullshit and he knows it.

Violence against objects can easily turn into violence against you. It's intimidating and it's a threat. It is also a form of domestic abuse. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Consider leaving him.

Joint counselling is a really bad idea where there is abuse. Individual is the way to go if you're going down that route.

Leave

Thank you for your responses.

My head tells me to go but my heart tells me to stay. It's difficult. We own a house together, we're supposed to be getting married and up until a couple of weeks ago I could only see the future with him. We have so many happy memories - although you wouldn't think it the way he talks about them now. Surely if he was that unhappy then he would have left?

I feel so sad that this has happened. This time last year things seemed so different. I don't know if it's coming of his tablets that's made him like this. If it's because he's genuinely ill I want him to get the help he needs although I'll struggle to unhear and unsee some of the things he's done.

He's now hardly talking to me - sleeping in the day and awake all night. Just not normal behaviour. He does have a tendency to lash out at objects - this isn't the first time. After punching a glass picture frame the other day there was blood everywhere - he just sat there starring into space as I tried to get blood out of the carpet I don't think he'd ever hurt me physically. But he did grow up in an abusive home (I believe this was the original cause of his MH problems, not me) so perhaps this behaviour has been normalised.

I feel so churned up with it. Knowing whatever decision I make will affect all our lives is tough. Each day I'm wondering what will happen next.

The hardest question here is if you want to bring up your child in this environment as this scenario could repeat itself and play out for years to come

At the end of the day, he is blaming you for his terrible behaviour, poor decisions and now his years of depression! None of which are obviously your fault!

He is coming across like an entitled man-child, who got caught out and isn’t capable of taking any responsibility for himself and frankly it’s not your job to teach him how to act like an adult. This whole scenario just leads you into being his mother (sounds like you’ve already had to parent him a fair bit with his MH already..).

IMHO - staying with him means enabling him to his BS further and probably just delays then inevitable split. If I were you I wouldn’t waste more time and energy flogging this.

Sorry OP

Bi Polar

You've got your baby to think about, this is no kind of environment to bring up a child.

@Dollyrocket thank you. You've kind of summed it up nicely. I am slightly older and in retrospect can see how I've mothered him throughout the relationship

The thought of having to share our son if we do split up is difficult for me. It's certainly not the life I wanted for him and far from the happy nuclear family I grew up in. If he had an episode infront of our son and I wasn't there to protect or reassure him I'd never forgive myself.

Also, he has no job and no where to go. I still care that he's ok and safe.

Certainly in the near future he isn't stable enough to spend more than a couple of hours looking after your/his son!!!

I suspect he will have little interest in being a parent. It means he will have to stop naval gazing and deal with his depression and unacceptable behaviour.

By staying you give your child an unsafe home with violence possible in it 100% of the time, and normalise it for them, and teach them it's to be endured and minimised. Is that the lesson you really want to teach? You're deluding yourself if you think you're protecting your dc in situ. Leaving means you can provide a safe, normal home.

Your partner is a grown man who can sort out a job and accommodation for himself. Your responsibility is to your child, not him.

Have to say I agree with @category12 - they make a good point RE responsibility to your child.

It sounds like you’ve been worn down / conditioned to feel responsible for your partners life, but he is a fully grown adult (I assume with no learning difficulties?) who can 100% fend for himself. Caring about his welfare is normal, caring for him and ensuring he is fed, clothed, housed etc is not your responsibility at all.

You have likely slowly but surely become his ‘mother’ over the years - I suspect this happens a lot when one partner has MH issues, especially anxiety and/or depression as by trying to help and support you end up taking on more and more ‘adult’ stuff to give them the space to deal with it. But sadly, this doesn’t usually help anyone as they just learn to operate with less and less responsibility whilst you are firmly in the parent role (in this case, one of a petulant teenager who is blaming you for everything..).

I would personally find that deeply unattractive in a partner and the only way to truly ‘help’ is to walk away and force them to stand on their own two feet (or not..).

Not an easy decision for your heart right now, but this is dysfunctional and will affect your DC and that is who truly needs your parenting