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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to make sense of it all, was it rape? Trigger warning

20 replies

Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 12:58

Trigger warning- detailed

This happened years back, I was 15 at the time and a virgin. My best friend at the time asked me to stay at hers, I told my mum and dad that’s where I was ( I assumed we’d be staying there) when she said let’s go to so and so’s house (she’d had quite a few sexual partners). Stupidly we went. He was 19 at the time, i remember him being very touchy with me which I said I didn’t want to have sex at the beginning of the night... He had bought vodka and I’d never even had a drink like that before. He was trying to force me to down my drink, I refused and he took me into his bedroom. He locked the door and said I couldn’t leave until I had downed the glass of vodka which I repeatedly refused. I went to leave but he had locked the door. He said I may as well stay as it was late and my mum and dad thought I was at my friends. He said I could sleep in his bed and he’d go into the living room. When I was in bed he came in trying it on, I refused and he had a big strop opened all the windows removed the blanket and said I’d have to be cold all night. I said I’ll just go and talk to my mum Say I’d had an argument with my friend but he kept the door locked. I kind of blanked out at this point all I remember was being on the bed and repeatedly saying no i don’t want to. I must’ve said it at least 20 times, but he didn’t stop. I must’ve been struggling as (tmi) but it wasn’t working. I froze and just let it happen after saying no. I wish I had done more and I’ve never told anyone any of this. At the time I shrugged it off, I’ve only ever slept with one other person (my OH) and often find myself tensing up and not enjoying sex even though I want to. My OH has been very understanding. Sorry if this is tmi

OP posts:
Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:02

I also remember going to school a couple of weeks later and I overheard a couple of girls talking about him, he had done similar with another girl in my year and I remember her mum was going mad at the time, I was ashamed so I didn’t say anything

OP posts:
Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:04

I also did confront him over text to which he replied it wasn’t rape and if I told anyone he’d get older girls to ‘sort’ me out and knew a girl who had went to prison for stabbing someone. At the time I was scared

OP posts:
tenthavenue · 14/08/2020 13:10

Yes of course it was rape Scorpio. I"m so sorry. Can you get some therapy asap, sounds like you are trying to make sense of it all these years later.
it was in no way your fault.

Georgie65 · 14/08/2020 13:16

It was rape. There's additional factors as well. Quite awful ones. Being trapped in that room, feeling forced to drink the vodka. All of this coming in an environment where you were only 15 and it sounds like you were a virgin?. Rape on its own is truly awful, but you must have been terrified. I'm so sorry that happened. You have to access counselling as soon as possible, as a PP has said.

Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:18

Yes I was a virgin. X

OP posts:
Georgie65 · 14/08/2020 13:21

I'm so sorry that happened. It's a long time since I was 15 but I can imagine that scene really well and you were very let down by that man. He's a violent abusive predator. I want to send some friends to his door right now. You didn't deserve any of that to happen to you. You didn't do anything wrong.

PermaStress · 14/08/2020 13:21

That sounds horrific and yes absolutely rape.

I had a similar experience at 18 and new at university, although I liked the guy I had met. We kissed but he wouldn't stop after repeatedly being told no, i couldn't get him to leave despite trying repeatedly, we went to bed and I got so worn down saying no that I froze and let him. I didn't realise it was rape until years later.
Flowers

Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:21

I find it extremely hard to talk about, OH has a small idea of what happened but he doesn’t know the half of it.

OP posts:
Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:22

PermaStress that sounds awful I’m so sorry:( i definitely put it to the back of my head, I didn’t want to face up!

OP posts:
user1369875695412 · 14/08/2020 13:23

Yes, that was rape. I'm really sorry it happened to you and you've felt you had to carry it on your own all this time. You have nothing to be ashamed about - the shame is caused by being traumatised, not because you did anything shameful.

It would be unusual for a rapist to admit in writing he had raped you - he isn't going to want to make it easy for the CPS to convict and imprison him. But just because he denies it doesn't change what he did to you.

Doyoumind · 14/08/2020 13:26

Of course this was rape. I'm sorry it happened to you. It might be scary to admit it was rape but you had a horrific experience and that man was a rapist and he knew it. I think counselling would help if it's affecting your relationship.

KnitFastDieWarm · 14/08/2020 13:26

Yes it was rape. You did not consent, you did not want it, you did nothing to ‘deserve’ or ‘provoke’ or ‘encourage’ it. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of Flowers

He, on the other hand, is a vile, pathetic specimen of a human being.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2020 13:27

It definitely was rape
I'm so sorry it happened. Have you spoken to a counsellor or to rape crisis? May help Flowers

HollowTalk · 14/08/2020 13:29

What a bastard he was. Yes, it was rape. The fact he threatened to set someone on you just made his offence even greater. I don't suppose you still have access to those messages, do you?

Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:33

Oh no that phone is long gone! I wish I did

OP posts:
Georgie65 · 14/08/2020 13:38

I'm glad you were able to write it out in your OP, could you maybe write in all in a letter to your husband and then hide it away somewhere and if or when the time feels right, you can just give it to him then,?

I would want to know if that happened to someone I loved and he sounds like a caring person?

Scorpiowoman80 · 14/08/2020 13:44

That’s a good idea and I will definitely tell him at some point! He’s very supportive he has an idea of what happened and is very supportive and makes a point make me more happy sexually than himself

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Heffalooomia · 14/08/2020 13:52

Absolutely no doubt this was rape you, were the victim of a sexual predator, this predator coerced imprisoned and punished you
All of this is on him, none of it is on you.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you OP💐
I hope you can can find the help you need to process this trauma and move forward with your life

Bookrat · 14/08/2020 14:15

I'm so sorry you have had this awful experience. I was a bit older and a bit more experienced than you when I was raped, and what you have gone through breaks my heart. Saying no, freezing, difficulty in acknowleging what has happened: all these things are very familiar. In my case I blamed myself for a very long time, and pretty much reduced my boundaries to zero so that they could not be breached.

But it sounds as if you have made some very positive steps. So brave of you to confront this rapist afterwards, and since then you have been able to form a relationship in which you are respected. I have never been brave enough to seek counselling and I think I have perhaps now come to terms with what was done to me. (After thirty years.) But I wish I had sought counselling and perhaps come out the other side more quickly. I hope you are able to seek help, but you should be proud of what you have accomplished alone. Flowers

Heffalooomia · 14/08/2020 14:20

I think it's important to remember what happens when you freeze
you freeze because of an instinctive defence mechanism, it's part of the 'fight/flight/flop', I'm using the term flop because this is what animals are programmed to do in situations where they instinctively know they cannot escape...they flop or freeze, it's way of playing dead.
playing dead is what prey animals do when they are captured by a predator and are unable to fight or flee
freezing is not consent, it's an instinctive reaction

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