I’m sorry for this rambling post, I’m not even sure what I want from it but my head feels like it may explode and I need to tell someone how I’m feeling. I don’t feel I can talk to family or friends – it’s as if it would make it real, because people would know. I don’t even know if that makes sense.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, since I was 21. So we’ve been together practically all of my adult life. He is quite a lot older than me and has been married before. (They split before we met). We have a beautiful 7 year old together.
I’m not happy in my marriage and it feels I haven’t been truly happy for a long time. I look at DH and don’t feel anything. It feels as if I have grown and changed and matured so much since we first got together – I guess that’s bound to happen over 20 years – but I also wonder if that’s because I was still young when we got together. DH was already much older so already at maturity. Who knows.
I go through stages where I find myself spending a lot of time thinking about us splitting up, looking at the practicalities of that in terms of finances etc, but at the same time the thought also makes me feel so very sad. I am in tears writing this as I just feel so confused.
In some ways I guess most people feel upset about separation even if it’s what they want, particularly when children are involved. But what I don’t know is whether that sadness I feel is at the situation, or whether it is because I do still have feelings for DH deep down.
DH and I spoke recently after we’d have a row about nothing in particular. It came out that I am unhappy and don’t know if I want us to be together. He looked so terribly sad – he still loves me and it made me so feel sad and to want to be close to him. I don’t know if it was because there are still feelings there for him or because I am scared of the unknown. Unfortunately, we are not great at really communicating/talking.
DH is a good man. It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault. After 20 years together, DH and this life we have together feels……….safe but not right. Does it feel that way because I still care, or because it’s all I’ve really known as an adult and I’m a coward? Is this what 20 years together actually feels like and am I being ridiculous.
I read threads where people talk about the way they feel about their DHs, how amazing they find them and how much they love them and I just can’t relate. It makes me feel so sad. How do I get the feelings back? Is it even possible?
When there is no affair or abuse etc, how do you know when it’s the end? How do you know when the love has definitely gone and isn’t just hiding there under all the shit of normal everyday life? It hasn’t gone for DH.
We do have good times as a family. We do things, go places and they are enjoyable. We have a secure life.
What if I’m wrong about how I feel and I only discover this when it’s too late and we have already split? There’s won’t be any going back.
How do you even begin to unravel 20 years together?
How do you put your own happiness before your child’s? Just how?
DS is a real Mummy’s boy but loves his Daddy. DS sees DH and I squabble/bicker a bit but nothing major so it doesn’t feel like splitting would necessarily be better for him in the long run, if that makes sense. How do I break my child’s heart to make myself happier?
Sorry for the rambling. There’s so many questions in my head and I’ve just word vomited them on this post. I don’t even expect answers to them.