best way to end a frirendship

[Flute56]

do you just disappear or have a heart to heart

What's the reason for it?

Depends on the reason but i would usually say gradually cut the friendship off. Only have a heart to heart if you want to salvage the relationship, and if it is not going to harm you to do so. Toxic people dont deserve that.

However ive had a friend who sent me a nasty message at night when i was going through a bad time, saying i was all a bit "boy cried wolf" and some other hurtful things. I didnt reply and never spoke to her ever again.

I think it depends on why the friendship is ending for you.

If its because you have realised that they are using/abusing you, then i would let it die a natural death by being unavailable.

If there are other reasons, which could be negotiable or aren't their fault, I would be honest and open.

If they are treating you in a way that causes you pain, ask yourself whether they would genuinely be open to a heart to heart, and whether you would be willing to limp along for even longer

Not enough information for a meaningful answer.

It really depends on the person.

For you, OP - just get in the ute, Flute.

But if the person is called Jack, Stan, Roy, Gus or Lee, I'd suggest handling it differently.

The friend has not been nasty or anything like that but I just feel we have come to the end of the road. She is not really interested in the things I do and all the time it is me contacting her but when I do she is always polite but distant so I just do not see any point in carrying on with the friendship.

Sounds like they are happy for the friendship to fade out also

It sounds like you're already flogging a dead horse, OP, so I'd just stop contacting her and it will fizzle out naturally.

I have been kidding myself for a while that this is a good friendship but it is not. And why did I think this? Bevause every birthday she sends me a card and in my card this year she put a sachet of face pack lol

I did not even like the face pack so I threw it away. It was a strange face mask that you put on and leave on like a piece of cloth soaked in liquid and it looked more like a face freshner. I did not see the point of it to be honest, but I was polite enough to phone and thank her for it and pretend it was lovely because what else could I do?

I had a significant friendship end a couple of years ago. It was a long drawn out realisation for me that it was pretty one-sided for the previous few years and when I was Isolated and at my lowest she wasn’t there for me and actually made things worse and made me feel like crap when I did reach out to her-this went on for a few years until I stopped reaching out to her altogether and realised that it just wasn’t much of a friendship any more. Ironically she then accused me of being a bad friend for not being supportive Enough when her new partner passed away (despite going to her when she asked etc... Which is more than she’d done for me) That was the final straw for me. I never even replied to her and haven’t spoken to her since. I have no regrets about doing that. I would rather we had just grown apart but she forced the issue and it ended up being a total alienation, which was unpleasant and difficult to explain to mutual friends. Sometimes friendships fade and stop being a positive force in our lives-it’s better to just let it fade than have a showdown or “break-up”

Not sure it's relevant in the wider context of your friendship but the face pack was a sheet mask which are very popular at the moment.

I'm not into face masks either and a colleague gave me a sheet mask as a gift. I tried it and was instantly converted and have bought some for myself so I don't think it was necessarily a passive aggressive gift.

As for the friendship, agree with PP who say it sounds like she has checked out already anyway. Quietly drop it would be my advice.

I believe that honesty is the best policy and as hurtul is it might be, if you both chat about why things are going wrong then you might be able to save the friendship. For instance, if I have behaved in a certain way that she has not liked then unless she tells me, then I am going to continue to behave in that way and it will affect other friendships. Similarly if I tell her what I feel is wrong with her behaviour then she can correct it.

Years ago a frirend said to me....... you never say to me how are you so it makes me feel as if you do not care. I was grateful for her for telling me that and ever since then, whoever I am dealing with, I always make a point of saying how are you because I do not want other people to feel the same and not everyone is brave enough to say something. If you just walk away from a friendship without thrashing out what is causing you to want to walk away then you cannot do anything differently in the next friendship and alter your behaviour so that the next frirendship can remain strong. I had a very bad relationship with my mother but at least if i did something that she did not like she would tell me. I did not always agree with her but at least she had the guts to say you make me feel like this because of your behaviour and if nobody points anything out then you are going to go on and on making the same mistakes and you will always wonder why your friendships fail

If it's always you contacting her then stop. She can always contact you. If she doesn't then fair enough.

I think if you feel like that it might be worth trying to talk to her. If she’s lost interest in your friendship she may not really welcome a heart to heart, but if she just needs a bit of a wake up call about things going two way your honest approach could pay off.

I’m going through this exact thing. This ‘friend’ of 20 years has form for dropping people, but for some reason, I never thought she’d do it to me. There’s been no argument or falling out, just a gradual pushing me away. I have been very upset at her behaviour and there is absolutely no way I would resurrect the friendship now. The situation is made all the harder because she lives opposite to me! I smile and wave, chat as I would with any other neighbour, but that’s as far as it goes. I think she still believes I’m at her beck and call. I’m not.

I think you thrashing it out and letting her know why you're calling time on the friendship would make sense if she'd done something awful or you'd fallen out. But you are just making all the effort and she isn't. So stop making the effort and just let it go- does it really need a long conversation to get closure?

"if nobody points anything out then you are going to go on and on making the same mistakes and you will always wonder why your friendships fail"

She might not be wondering at all- if people want to contact you, they will.

Why did the face mask upset you?

I ended 2 friendships a few years ago. I sent an email to one explaining why I was ending our friendship and politely asking she didn't reply so as not to get into a row resulting in bad feeling. All good.
Sadly I chose to ghost my bff of 8 years after the realisation hit me after all that time she didn't want her dc to socialise with mine.. No point us both feeling shit discussing the obvious..
So that's me friendless!!

@EuphegeniaDoubtfire

Why did the face mask upset you?

People get very upset about face masks these days.

I completely cut off my only friend at the start of the year. I didn't feel like I owed her an explanation and she was no good for my mental health and was a compulsive liar. List of things she did/said.
Constantly complained about how she had to hide her face because of a spot and how people would think she was gross when I was on treatment for acne.
Always talked about my clothes and made fun of them because my style was slightly quirky.
Talked non stop about how popular her two children of a similar age were when she knew my daughter was going through major friendship issues and had to be home schooled for a period.
Non stop bragged about all the places she was going (just her husband and herself) and called me a dinosaur because we only ever go anywhere with the children because we have no family.
This one is sensitive and I'm sorry if it upsets anyone but we were discussing abortion. I had an abortion for a pregnancy with anencephaly and she said the baby was a literal no brainer.
Lied about her son who was completely out of control and I knew for a fact didn't go to school, that he got all a* in his gcse and that he had automatically been accepted into cambridge.
I seriously could go on, but if I see her again I will walk by with my head up and not give her a second thought.

I don't get the problem with the face mask.

I may be wrong, OP, but it seems like you'd like to have it out with your friend. Is this an ego thing? Because it reads quite clearly that your friend has gently been trying to end or downgrade the friendship for a while and you haven't accepted that.

Well in this case you could just do nothing since it looks like she’s phasing you out anyway.

It sounds like you're the one who is overestimating the closeness of this friendship; you don't need to end it, just stop pushing for it to be something that it isn't. She sent you a card - she threw in a little something extra - what's wrong with that?

You’re finally ending the friendship because you don’t know what a sheet mask is? Sure.
Honestly you dont even need to ghost her because it sounds like she’s not bothered just don’t text her and consider it over.