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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please confirm this is not normal

42 replies

BestDaysAheadOfMe · 14/08/2020 00:39

I grew up in a family where mum and dad did not kiss or hug or showed any affection towards each other. Dad is suspected undiagnosed aspergers and mom seems to have developed a martyr complex.

I am now in a failing relationship where there is no kisses, hugs or affection (no shit Sherlock!) I’m divorcing, 2 kids. But i still get told by mom that that’s how most marriages are, loveless and affectionless.

But are they, really? Please come and tell me this is not normal and not how majority of families function? Or... do they?

OP posts:

rvby · 14/08/2020 00:43

My mum and dad were affectionate. My parents in law were affectionate. My ex and I were affectionate. My dp and I are affectionate. My friends and their partners are warm to each other, we don't see them in such intimate settings as private family life, but in social settings they are kind and engaged with each other.

None of these relationships were/are perfect, but affection is normal in marriages, in my observation.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I don't think your mum is right, but she may lie to herself quite a bit in order not to feel too crap about her life Xx

1WildTeaParty · 14/08/2020 00:46

What have you observed - in the relationships between friends parents - or work collegues etc.?

It does not sound normal to me.

I don't know anyone in a marriage without affection or love. All the married people I know hug and kiss and dance (though also sometimes disagree /get irritated)

Most people I know have been married quite a number of years - only a few are divorced and they have married again (so must have found it a happy state at some point).

Bringmewineandcake · 14/08/2020 00:48

My mum and dad weren't affectionate in front of me as a child, but I'd like to think they were once out of sight otherwise it's a bloody miserable life.
It's definitely not normal or acceptable to be loveless and affectionless unless both parties are happy with the convenience of the marriage.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/08/2020 00:50

But i still get told by mom that that’s how most marriages are, loveless and affectionless.
Only the bad ones or the ones going belly up.

beautifulxdisasters · 14/08/2020 00:50

My parents had a relationship that sounds pretty similar to your parents OP and it really fucked me up and taught me some really bad lessons about what is normal.

A relationship without affection is not normal and not worth saving.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2020 00:53

We've been married 7 years, together a year before that, 3 kids. We still kids and cuddle (mainly in the kitchen where there's no kids), if we're watching a movie well sit together with good arm around me/hand on thigh etc. If we were to go out without 3 kids we hold hands. He makes me drinks because he knows I'm useless at remembering and I bit him banana milkshake cos it's cute he still loves it. Yes op, there's more to a relationship that growing to despise reach other xx

Alwaysinpain · 14/08/2020 00:53

@beautifulxdisasters

My parents had a relationship that sounds pretty similar to your parents OP and it really fucked me up and taught me some really bad lessons about what is normal.

A relationship without affection is not normal and not worth saving.

Same here!!! ^

SoulofanAggron · 14/08/2020 00:55

I think my parents were quite affectionate, though they eventually divorced. They would occasionally have a little kiss in the kitchen or whatever and make appreciative kissing noises. It never felt unduly sexual or anything, just quite sweet.

I wouldn't want a partner that wasn't affectionate. Most people are affectionate to those they love/when a relationship is going ok, I think.

Goodnightelizabethwalton · 14/08/2020 00:56

I’m in an emotional desert marriage! I think now my husband has Aspergers as only wants sex but can not see he needs to be a bit affectionate or stop being angry and miserable all the time. He’s like a tantruming toddler all the time! We just live in the same house, literally do nothing together! I dream of escaping to just live on my own and do my own thing, just hanging on for youngest right now.

Original poster

BestDaysAheadOfMe · 14/08/2020 00:59

Wow, thank you for so many responses so late at night.
I suspect it’s not normal as i don’t feel right or happy. But then, that’s the only ‘normal’ i know and weirdly, i sometimes feel almost comfortable in it. Like, you know, i don’t exist to you dh and it’s fine, totally fine because of my parents🥺
I have a daughter though and would absolutely hate for her to experience this.

I guess that’s saying something..

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/08/2020 01:11

We’re drawn to the familiar, e en if it doesn’t make us happy. That’s why kids who witness abuse will often end up in abusive relationships too, even though they didn’t ‘enjoy’ being part of that dynamic.

Given that half of all marriages end in divorce, there probably ARE a lot of loveless, affection less marriages out there, but that doesn’t make it ok, or make you wrong to want more. Your mum might be projecting about her own choices here, trying to convince herself it wasn’t / isn’t so bad.

You get one life and you deserve the chance to find someone who makes you feel adored. And even if you don’t meet him, you don’t have to put up with someone who makes you feel invisible instead

whereistherum · 14/08/2020 01:28

I can honestly say this last week is probably the longest I have gone without hugging/touching my other half. due to weather

We have been together 10 years.

I would say we don't hold hands in general and thats just because neither of us like it.

pollyhty · 14/08/2020 01:37

We're not that affectionate in front of the DC, will hug, peck and be quite tactile though. Once they're in bed there's affection.

My parents weren't affectionate, divorced when I went to uni. Before they divorced I used to wonder why they were still together.

RLEOM · 14/08/2020 01:38

Did your mum and dad show affection towards each other behind closed doors?

Pobblebonk · 14/08/2020 02:13

Please don't say that your father "is" Asperger's, whether suspected or note. It's generally viewed as quite offensive. He may have Asperger's. You wouldn't say that someone is flu, measles, or cancer.

Dannemora · 14/08/2020 02:21

The less said about my parents the better, but after 15 years together, we still kiss good morning, goodbye, hello and good night. I’m more of a hugger than he is, but we hold hands 50% of the time walking down the street (more so if he’s trying to stop me wandering into a shop ), and we manage the horizontal tango twice a week.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 02:22

But i still get told by mom that that’s how most marriages are, loveless and affectionless.

Your mother has had a very sad life. This is not my experience at all. My parents have been married 51 years and are very affectionate with each other, always have been. Both sets of my grandparents were mad for each other. My marriage of over 20 years is very loving and demonstrative.

I wouldn't live a life like your mother's, and I'm glad you're getting out of your miserable marriage.

FifteenToes · 14/08/2020 02:27

It's weird isn't it, the power of what's missing.

One of my abiding memories of childhood is the fact that I can never EVER remember seeing my parents touch each other. Not once. Not just affectionately, but I can't remember ANY instance of physical contact at all, even as an accident. You'd need to really hate each other to live in the same house for 40 years and that to be the case.

I wouldn't say it's normal in the sense of "the majority", but it's probably a lot more common than generally recognised.

MustShowDH · 14/08/2020 02:33

Normal here and it makes me miserable. Reading the responses above just makes me wonder how I got into this mess.

TitsOutForHarambe · 14/08/2020 02:33

It's very difficult to know what is "normal" in a marriage because most things happen behind closed doors and no one can really be sure what someone else's marriage is like. Just look at some of the threads on here - there was one recently about a woman being called a bitch by her partner, and there were wildly different views on how normal and acceptable this was. A lot of people swore blind that in a normal marriage this sort of thing was ok, and just as many swore that it wasn't. Everyone thought that their view applied to the majority of marriages. We usually tend to think of our own experiences as "normal", which is going to be different for everyone.

What I can be sure of is that everyone deserves to be in a relationship that makes them happy. Yours wasn't making you happy. I dont blame you - I wouldn't be happy with what you have described either. Don't settle for this if it doesn't feel right.

SeaToSki · 14/08/2020 02:34

Ive been married for 20 years and I still hold hands with DH sometimes when we are out walking. We kiss and hug in front of the dc and they groan and fake retch (but secretly I think they like to see it)

TwoZeroTwoZero · 14/08/2020 02:48

I can't talk about my mum and dad because they divorced when I was 4. My mum and step-dad weren't overly affectionate with each other - one thing I can remember is my step-dad rubbing my mum's back when she was trying to do something and her snapping at him to leave her alone - but they did obviously love and care about each other.

Dh and I are affectionate with each other. We don't hold hands, or even kiss very often really, but do sit close and touch each other. We cuddle often.

I have seen a few relationships that appear to be loveless and devoid of affection, so I do think it's common, but they don't seem happy. I couldn't live like that.

BubblyWater · 14/08/2020 02:58

Fuck. My marriage is like this. Completely devoid of affection and I always assumed dkids never noticed. This is giving me food for thought.

HopelessSemantics · 14/08/2020 03:00

We always hold hands, kiss, hug. I also grew up in a house with no affection and it is grim. Seeing my husband kiss and cuddle my son is so lovely but makes my heart break for me and my brother that we never had that.

PuddyMuddles4 · 14/08/2020 03:20

My DM was very affectionate, and tried to be towards my DF, but he would have none of it. I told myself I would never be with a man like my DF, but guess what? I ended up having DC with someone just like him (they even have the same name!!).

In answer to your question - no, it's not normal and you really deserve better.

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