Please help me decide when to leave my marriage

[femalecyclist]

Long time lucker first time poster. I have been together with DH for 20 years, married for over 10 years. Two DCs below 10. No abuse or anything but I am not happy. I work nearly full time (97% to enable pick up of kids) and everything is left to me. The house, the garden, the kids and their activities, the shopping and the cooking, the ironing and plus I am the high earner in the household not that it matters. Well I wanted it all a career and kids!

My DH is a lazy man child currently sat on the play station/or browsing the internet which would be where he would be if given the choice all day. He is not a bad man but is not a good father or husband. I would stay was he a good father for the sake of the kids but I am not sure he sets a good example for the kids.

We have separate bedrooms for over 10 years and are pretty much in a sexless marriage (handful of times per year). I have no reasons to leave as I am not looking for another relationship and am largely staying for the kids.

A divorce would benefit him as I came into this marriage having bought two properties in London which would be split evenly in a divorce. I am scared of the financial repercussions for my kids. However I get nothing out of this marriage. We don't fight, I have a lot of freedom and we generally get along so it is not a terrible marriage so I could stay until the kids are older. Please tell me what to do? Should I try to salvage for the kids even though I don't think I love him anymore?

The logical solution here would be to part amicably - you having brought 2 houses into the marriage is a huge plus because it means you will each have somewhere to live.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

The logical solution here would be to part amicably - you having brought 2 houses into the marriage is a huge plus because it means you will each have somewhere to live.

This is the conclusion I am coming to. I am not sure whether he will let us remain in our main home (my preference) and move into one of the rental properties. It's such a mess. I worry how the kids will cope and about custody. It's been easier just not to rock the boat and carry on. It gets easier as the kids grow up and become more independent.

As the child of parents who stayed together but were miserable I would say leave sooner rather than later. No matter how well you think you hide it, the kids will pick up on tensions especially as they reach 10. I dont have many happy family memories from my secondary school childhood and didn't have a good example of what a relationship should be like which could well explain why I'm about to be divorced for the second time! You deserve to be happy and the kids will adjust especially if they see you are both happy. Good luck with whatever you decide

How about couples counseling?

The longer you leave it the more you are going to have to pay him eg. part of your pension.

I’d suggest that you get legal advice to find out what your financial settlement could look like. Make a list of your income/outgoings and a list of questions before you see a solicitor. Once you have all the relevant information you can decide what to do.

Does your DH work or do any childcare that enables you to work?

Yes my husband works and he has the kids in the morning to enable me to get to go to work early so I can leave work early and be back for school pick up at 3:30pm.

The longer I leave it the worse financially I will be. I earn about 60 to 70% more than him. Seeing a solicitor would be good.

I fear that counselling may be too late and will only delay the inevitable which is that we will need to split at some point. It may enable me to remain for a bit longer if he changes.

I see this lack of support in both our families where both my mum and MIL worked and the husbands did nothing else in the household but worked with the women being responsible for everything else. I fear for my sons as I do not want them to be like this. To tell the truth my FIL is worse than my husband so maybe from generation to generation it improves.

I’m guessing that as you have been living separately in the same household for some time and neither of you has addressed the issue, your marriage is over. Your next decision is if you want to carry on with this situation or not. It sounds like you don’t.
I would see a solicitor and work out your next steps. Yes you could end up in one of the rental properties, but this won’t be forever and at least you will be moving on with the rest of your life.
I’m also guessing that this is the answer you were looking for and just needed confirmation.