Sex life

[sleepy18]

DH just text me saying he wants to move into the spare room as there is no affection between us at the moment. He said he has been sexually unsatisfied for years and doesn't see that changing.
I am currently 3 months pregnant and we haven't had sex since I conceived as I am feeling so terrible.
Prior to this we probably averaged about once a month since having kids, which I knew wasn't great but didn't think was terrible either. It has come up a lot in arguments before. I never refuse him, he just never tries it on with me!
I'm not really sure what to respond or to do. Things are definitely not going to improve whilst I'm pregnant and feeling so rubbish. And I don't really feel like being affectionate towards him now he's said that to he honest.

Can you 'revive' your sex life? Or shall I just give up now?

There needs to be a lot more communication by the sounds of things, particularly if this has come out of the blue for you.

You shouldn't have sex if you dont to. Do you get intimacy in other ways? E.g. holding hands etc?Do you spend quality time together away from any DC? Expectations and how each person are feeling about sex need to be communicated and revisited in my experience - especially when someone is pregnant!

It can be saved, it's all about communication for me. Good luck!

I think sex is the tip of an iceberg... The rest being all the other little things which make you feel connected like eye contact, a quick squeeze on your way past in the hallway, a kiss hello, a kiss goodbye, laughing at each others jokes etc etc. In the absence of all that kind of stuff the sexual desire just evaporates imo.
We have been in a similar situation to you, I was kind of worried we would never get the spark back at one point. But we talked about it and let each other know the bits in that were missing that would fall into the casual little intimacies category, both of us took it seriously and we came back through basically trending the garden so-to-speak.
Now we aren't exactly at it like rabbits, we still have a lot in our plate, but, we don't feel like we are drifting to a brother-sister like relationship anymore.

Hope you speak fluent auto correct - sorry!

Thanks Kassandra, good advice.
Yes you are right the communication between us has been pretty shocking when it comes to our sex life. We went for a lunch together last week and I got all dressed up and he didn't even notice. Had to ask him to put his phone away so we could actually sit and talk.
I mentioned this earlier and he said he is 'just not feeling it anymore'

I feel like he is putting all of the blame on me when this is certainly a two way problem

I can also massively recommend 'I love you but I'm not in love with you (seven steps to saving your relationship)' by Andrew G Marshall. It is excellent and definitely helped us. Assuming there is still some will from both sides to try to rescue things.
Good luck

Chickens - that's good to hear that it is fixable! How did it all come about for you? Did one of you admit that you weren't satisfied anymore or was it more of a mutual thing?
How long did it take for things to improve?

Looking up the book now, thanks Chickens!

What others have said but also your choice of words are interesting, in that your dh has to 'try it on' and you 'never refuse him'. It sounds very one sided and like you don't want to be intimate with him (which it sounds like you don't and obviously you shouldn't have sex with anyone if you don't want to but on the flip side, your dh can also chose not to stay in a sexless marriage).

If I felt like I was always the one to initiate sex and my partner was just 'not refusing', rather than being an active and willing partner then i would lose interest too.

Was this baby planned? It's a little harsh (and late) for your dh to say he's 'not feeling it' after you becoming pregnant.

Why move into the spare room?
Do you think he has met someone else? Wants to satisfy himself online sexting or porn?

I just find moving into the spare room, saying he's not feeling it anymore and hasn't been satisfied for years and doesn't see that changing like dumping you by text.

If I got that text I would take it that he just ended it and would be assuming he was in the spare room while I was still living there.
And why by text?
Could he not bring himself to have a proper conversation with the mother of his unborn child?

Did he agree and want this baby or is he punishing you for the pregnancy? If you can't even be in the same room to discuss your sex life there are definitely issues that need urgent attention. I would not be happy if my partner never made advances and left it all to me, I would feel unwanted and unattractive, so I can see why he has just given up. You really need to talk to each other.

@Iwishiwasawizard

Chickens - that's good to hear that it is fixable! How did it all come about for you? Did one of you admit that you weren't satisfied anymore or was it more of a mutual thing? How long did it take for things to improve?

We went through an extended period of too many life demands and not enough time to go round, inevitably (children babies) everything took a higher priority than caring for 'us', also I took the brunt of the things which took all the emotional energy I had, so I had nothing left for me/us, I lost my sense of humour (temporarily luckily) and we were just putting one foot in front of the other. This is ok in the short-medium term if you start off in a good place but not sustainable in the long term. Both of us were dissatisfied even if we were coming at it from different directions. Ultimately the solution took communication as a pp said (listening and talking both ways), patience and a desire to get back what we had from both sides. We are in a much better place but not where we want to be yet, but we know now it is circumstances not innate and we are going in the right direction.

His behaviour and the things he has said make me think he's detaching from you one step at a time with more to follow.

@Badoukas

His behaviour and the things he has said make me think he's detaching from you one step at a time with more to follow.

I was about to say this. Especially as he informed you of his move to the spare room by text while he wasn’t with you. Who was he with at this point and why would physically distancing himself be on his mind at that time, rather than coming up at bedtime for example? Sounds suspect to me, sorry

Cherchez la femme.

He raised this highly sensitive and important issue by text?! Really?

It seems as though your sex life is not the only problem in your relationship, communication is pretty dire as well. The issue has come up before "in arguments" - so what have you done about it? Do you know what he wants and have you tried to find a way to compromise with him? It's quite common for one partner to have a higher libido than the other and a happy medium has to be found, as a PP has said if you impose celibacy on him don't be surprised if he eventually leaves.

I have a higher libido than my DW, our deal is broadly that I never refuse her if she comes on to me, if I come on to her and she isn't interested she will sometimes "assist" me or she might tell me to sort myself out. Very rarely will I get an outright no. That is our happy medium.

Sorry I didn't explain myself very well. He told me in person that he wanted to move into the spare room, I was in the middle of typing a work email and it was so out of the blue I didn't fully take it in. He got angry because I didn't react and then left the house. He then sent the text to say he was unsatisfied.
I know there is no one else, especially in lockdown!
Baby was a mutual agreement although sadly for him, it was our first try, so sex life never really got any better. Even though we both wanted it, we have been chatting further tonight and he said he feels like I have used him for another baby and he just a seed to me, not true at all.
He told me he doesn't see me as a wife anymore, just a mum.
Re sex, I'm usually the one to initiate. We have had a lot of arguments about him initiating more but nothing ever changes.

How can he say he is sexually unsatisfied if he doesn't even initiate unless he is saying you just don't do it for him?

Any dream - Maybe that's what it is but he's being too polite to say so? He's never really been that affectionate or complementary, always quite reserved.

He's just gone to see his friends at the park now (friends came her first so not lying) but before he left he said some pretty harsh things, that he hasn't been happy for a long time and that I need to change and be more affectionate otherwise this isn't going to work. Ironicallly I feel like I'm the only affectionate one! He seems happy to just blame everything on me but not really willing to listen to anything he needs to do to improve.
It doesn't really look good does it

It doesn't I'm afraid and thats really shitty. He's putting everything on you for whatever reason. I don't think he's being honest at all. Have you asked him why he doesn't initiate affection or sex if he misses it that much.

Unfortunately it could be that he wants out and is laying all the blame on you when in fact he has his own reasons for wanting to end it.

Yes you can. But for me not while I was pregnant. When I was pregnant with my second I would not interested at all.

The book how not to hate your husband have kids has completely changed my marriage for the better.

He sounds selfish and childish like he's spitting his dummy out tbh! This isn't the best time for him to come out with all of this is it, while you are feeling unwell in early pregnancy, I feel for you!