Resisting the urge to check on Ex. Any tips?

[cheesecrackersandchips]

Advice welcome please.

I finished a very short dysfunctional relationship at Xmas full of love bombing and future faking. He moved on very quickly.

We still had to see each other for a work project.

He actually moved in with a new woman and that's now over so he's back dating again.

Anyway.
Finally extricated myself from work project so I don't really have to see him again. But I have this stupid urge to check he's ok.

He has MH problems and I think he's got some narc qualities.

Meanwhile I'm ok. Home, children, hobbies etc all relaxed and happy. I don't want to rub his nose in anything.

I stupidly still have feelings for him.

I've deleted his number and unfollowed him on social media.

I don't really want to block as it won't really change anything.

But I need to find a way not to care about what happens next. He's not my responsibility.

God I sound pathetic.

He sounds like a bad news. Keep yourself busy. Look for a new man!

Nunya Bizness, leave it.

DON'T DO IT. HTH. Your life sounds great, don't let him back in.

Thanks.

I can keep very busy but my imagination works overdrive.

I have been listening to some very old school dance music which helps.

I don't have any 'stuff'. That's all long gone.

I think I've spent so long trying to maintain a cordial work relationship that I can't quite believe I've now managed to quit and don't have to bear witness any more.

We've previously gone weeks without contact but then he'll need to discuss something and the chat restarts.

Btw the woman he moved in with was 'mental' as was his ex wife. He can't see his own part in relationship function.

He has MH issues and some narc qualities .

You’ve moved on ,as in you are no longer with him . Great ,keep it that way for your own sake . Be honest with yourself , are you wanting to check he’s ok , or are you wanting to check where he is relationship wise . From your description of him , he’s not exactly a keeper .
I’d draw a line under it , block and carry on with your life

Blocking will change something - it will demonstrate to yourself that you care enough about yourself to do it.

This is your chance to put yourself first, ahead of his 'needs'. And then, whenever you get the temptation to unblock him, ask yourself, 'where am I neglecting myself right now? What am I trying to medicate by looking at this man's life? What do I think I would gain from a relationship with him?' Ask anything that gets you curious about you again, rather than curious about some loser who fakes relationships because he can't properly care for another person.

When we get hung up on someone who doesn't truly care for us, it is often because they are reflecting back how little care we have for ourselves. They are a handy 'fixer-upper' project designed by ego to keep us safely focussed outside, and not looking at where we are vulnerable and lacking in self-love on the inside.

Thank you. Really helpful.

I always feel a bit grubby after any kind of 'checking' anyway and I can see why.

And yes I ask myself why am I concerned with him? He's not my problem.

@cheesecrackersandchips It's a really difficult situation to navigate, I'll give you that. But if you want some advice, the number 1 step is to stop thinking about the positives of the relationship and start thinking about the realities - for example, is there anything that happened where you think, "thank christ I never have to deal with that / the fallout from that again"? Also a (possibly) insensitive factor is that I think it's so much easier to miss a previous partner when you're lonely / bored (not saying you're either, just saying it would be understandable in an epidemic). Only thing you can do is keep yourself busy with things you enjoy, and my personal golden rule is to treat it like any kind of addiction - half measures won't work, you have to stop completely. Hope your pain eases soon. xx

Block

I agree with pp's, block. I know what it's like for your mind to keep wandering and thinking what if. You need a new obsession, a big home project or some fascinating books. Anything which could be all consuming for a while. Stop your thoughts about him and don't indulge yourself, he's bad news and you know it.

I was similar after my last relationship, I didn't want to delete him because I thought I wanted to remain friends, but I was checking on him constantly. This went on for a few weeks and I was getting worse rather than better so I just deleted him on everything. Didn't even need to block him. I was over it all within a week, once you can't see anything the habit and compulsion go, it's the only way.

6 months later I'm "Kevin who?" 😁

@ChristmasFluff

When we get hung up on someone who doesn't truly care for us, it is often because they are reflecting back how little care we have for ourselves. They are a handy 'fixer-upper' project designed by ego to keep us safely focussed outside, and not looking at where we are vulnerable and lacking in self-love on the inside

Thank you. This is so true.

So helpful. Thankyou.

I definitely can focus on the negatives. Also it was me that finished it so he has every right to move on and be happy.

I have endless lists of bad stuff and the ‘Ick’ that I got with him.