Depression ruining our relationship

[Fuccia]

Married for 3 years, together for 9. Have a young DC.

DH has been struggling with depression his whole life with periods where it's really bad and periods where it's meh. Almost every evening he gets very upset about his job and how he wants to be rich and mildly famous and how he will never be happy unless he is. I feel like me and DC are never enough.

He is very introverted and hates socialising so when we got together I slowly lost my wider circle of friends since I didn't want to go to things without him and all my close friends live far away so I feel very isolated. I have to always push him to do things because he would literally stay home forever if I didn't.

We have a lot of fights, maybe once a month or every 2 months where he shouts and makes me really upset. I don't want DC to grow up with shouting in the house. My own father was abusive so any shouting is a bit of a trigger for me.

I do love him so I don't want to leave...and if I did, I am pretty sure he would try to commit suicide. He talks about going away and ending his life whenever we have a big fight.

I am just so exhausted of living with such a sad person who hates himself so much. I can't really say any of this to him though since it would make things worse.

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess to hear if anyone had gone through anything similar and things worked out.

DH is now on antidepressants but he forgot to reorder his prescription so he'll have a couple of days with no pills. I asked him sternly to phone the GP practice to make sure he gets his new prescription today but he started shouting that I'm being horrible (he's afraid of the phone). He's done it online but now he'll be without medication for a few days and I worry about the effect that will have.

This is a really tricky one. Whilst mental health issues are terrifying and you should understand that many of his behaviours aren't his fault, you're only human and there is so much you can put up with.

How come it's now that you're reaching out? Have his behaviours become worse recently? If so, it may be that things have become worse for him and something has happened to him recently. Perhaps sit him down and have a calm, proper chat with him. He is on antidepressants but has he had any help, therapy or counselling? Perhaps you can sit and look through options with him too. Don't take the snapping personally.

However, the comment about him saying he would end his life doesn't sit well with me. That could be a very manipulative comment. I'd defo keep an eye for any similar behaviours.

Good luck xxx

Too much of your life is controlled by his mood. What you are describing is an emotionally abusive relationship even if he isn't doing it on purpose.

Isolation from friends.

Suicide threats if you argue.

Regular shouting.

I would stop thinking about solving him and depression, instead put your thinking into yourself and being in an emotionally abusive relationship. In other words don't try to solve him; solve you.

You are probably codependent yourself due to your childhood which likely means you have very poor boundaries with your DH and so you put up with very bad treatment like this. It is worth reading up on that character trait of yours.

Too much of your life is controlled by his mood. What you are describing is an emotionally abusive relationship even if he isn't doing it on purpose.

This

He talks about going away and ending his life whenever we have a big fight.

This is nothing more than bullshit manipulation in order to get you to shut up. It works, doesn't it?

Thank you all for your replies.

I don't think it's manipulation though. He doesn't try to stop me being angry by threatening suicide. It's more like he realised he was in the wrong and starts saying he is the worst person in the world, occasionally hitting himself, saying we'd be better off without him etc. It's not a threat. I have to remind him of his good qualities to stop him down that route. He did try to commit suicide once before we met.

About the argument we had, he apologized and said he'd been having a very anxious day. He did phone his GP in the end and got his prescription.

When he goes through a period where his depression is not so bad, our relationship is amazing. He's my best friend. But last few months have been so hard. I find it hard to be happy when he's sad which is most of the time. Life is passing bad and feels like we're wasting it instead of enjoying, but I don't know how to fix him and make him feel good about himself.

I think we likely are co-dependant though. Depression sucks.

Also, he's never tried therapy. It's too expensive (I think £60 a session) and he wouldn't want to pay that for something that may not work. The NHS won't offer it.

Maybe I'll ask on the depression board if it does make a difference more than antidepressants.

saying we'd be better off without him etc

Tbf, he's right about that.

It might not be , I know someone that goes and it's £35 and the woman is brilliant it's really helped. It's worth looking into , look on counselling directory for one in your area and choose one that specialises in depression.

@pumpkinpie01 thank you, will go and have a look today. It's worth a try tbh even if it's more expensive. There's no price on being able to live happily.

but I don't know how to fix him and make him feel good about himself.

STOP.

You are not a psychotherapist. If you were you would be making £60ph and would still not treat your spouse.

You are not responsible for fixing him. If you maintain responsibility for fixing him he definitely will not get fixed.

He is responsible for fixing himself. He has to research and choose the treatment. He has to do it. Not you.

The language of "fixing" is rather offensive I feel. He cannot be what you need him to be, which is not meaning he is broken, that's just him. For many years, even before you, he has been deeply unhappy. He is not a broken toaster. He is a person who is not managing his own personality well. Only he can do that. He does not have to have a goal of moulding his personality to match what you want in a husband.

Codependents tend to think in terms of "fixing" and "knowing" what is the "right way" for people to behave. This is not a useful way to be with other adults.

There is work you need on yourself to accept that he is how he is. It predated you and the children. Then if you decide it is unacceptable to you, you end the relationship, you do not attempt to change him. Not least because that never works. Which is obvious when you step back from your codependent desperation and look at reality.

Ok, DP with severe and enduring mental health issues here:

Quick fix for meds: sign him up to an online prescription service. You can set reminders so just have to click on a quick link to initiate the repeat and takes seconds....or even offer to manage that for him. He doesn’t need to talk with anyone then.

I’m not understanding why you say he can’t get counselling on NHS?
I know there are waiting lists but he would be seen for at least an assessment within a few months. I know this from having anxiety/depression issues myself in a much milder form than you are describing. Is it him telling you that?
Have you asked if you could attend a GP appointment together with him to specifically explain how much it is impacting him and you from your perspective and observations?. Unfortunately IME, DP will minimise how unwell he is and how much it effects his life and relationships- not deliberately. It’s more lack of awareness of how ill DP is himself. So, for instance I always join my DP and psychiatrist at end of their 6 monthly reviews to add my observations and perspective so that team get the full picture.
You will need to be explicit and assertive with GP, even if it upsets you DP, to clearly state the risk of self harm, abusive behaviours that arise when he is unwell. Sounds easy I know, but make a menance of yourselves.

If he doesn’t want you to be involved in GP and you think he is minimising to medical folks, there is a form you can use to request GPS do an assessment..can’t remember number and you never get told you can do this. Extreme I know, but it is an option.

The meds are only ever going to control the symptoms. And sometimes they’re not able to do that completely. Some GPs think this is enough unfortunately. However, If there is any chance of sustainable or permanent healing then therapy, surely, has to come into play to get to root causes of his illness.

Sorry, just reread about making yourselves a menance to GP- not literally🤭...a nuisance in terms of keep going back, escalate etc..politely not threatening!

@Carer1508 thank you so much for replying. It's great to hear your perspective given you've been in a similar situation.

DH definitely doesn't tell his GP everything and it's taken 2 years of feeling extremely low to finally persuade him to get an appointment last month. I asked him if he'd talked about his suicidal thoughts and he told me no, I don't want them to know that.

Our practice is doing remote appointments at the moment, so I'll ask if I can sit with him when he next talks to his GP. He told me they won't refer him for counselling so not sure if this is his assumption or whether he's asked. I'll ask if he doesn't want to. He hates talking on the phone so remote appointments are not great.

Reading back my OP, I was feeling very sad when I wrote it. He's super hard-working and when depression is mild he thinks of everyone else before himself. He is a really wonderful man, but sometimes during a low period it's easy to forget, especially when he thinks of himself so lowly.

Thanks again!