Growing up wasn't the end of being piggy in the middle

[Anxietea]

For the past 20 years my parents have been at each other's throats. My dad was physically abusive, my mum antagonised him. Growing up I couldn't wait to move out and escape. I don't think I really had any happy memories in that house. I just wanted to go. I was selfish, but she wouldn't leave him. She was a stay at home mum but she had a dreadfully short temper with us kids. We are immigrants and she was paranoid about him remarrying someone from the motherland and this woman benefitting from her hard work by getting an easy ride/ passport.

Eventually I escaped to university. Then I had to move back home for 2 years. It was hell. I have since settled down and moved out. I just turned 28. It's never ending. He has now "toned it down" in that he mostly ignores her and then she tries to initiate a conversation and he blows up and is verbally abusive and she calls me in tears that he's being horrible to her and all I can think is "why are you surprised?" She is in denial but she has been for years.

I know she's hurting. But she's paralyzed and inactive. She overshares with me about things you didn't tell your children, like his unfaithfulness. I don't think she should, I think it's inappropriate, she has a sister, she has friends and cousins she could talk to. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to deal with it. We were never close and I find myself disassociating a lot. We can't have a normal conversation. She's always either crying or smothering or asking me if I'll abandon her in a nursing home when she's old. I'm exhausted. I know I'm emotionally cold, I know these reactions are not normal. The more I tell her I don't want to hear it the more she tells me, it's like a perverse joke. She has fits of jealous rage and accuses me of being on his side, covering for him. For what, I don't know.

I'm sorry for rambling but it's been another heavy evening on the phone to her. It's so hot, I can't think straight.

Don't pick up the phone.
You're an adult now.
Just as you expect her to be responsible for her decisions you need to own yours.
You are doing this to yourself.
You want a new outcome? Then stop engaging with her drama.

I am sorry your mother putting you through this.

Similar happend to my oldest sister except my mother was isolated, had no siblings or friends to talk too.

Considering you have told your mother you think it is inappropriate, I wonder if she sees this as a game and your be using as a tool in their toxic marriage "oh I told our daughter you done this!" Disengage, if she starts talking about your dad, put the phone down. Be an adult woman and start putting down boundaries.

Actually I think your reactions are normal. Dissociating from a situation like that sounds completely understandable. It’s your way of protecting yourself. Is there any way you can reduce the amount you talk to her. Give her the number for woman’s aid.

do you suggest to your mum that she could leave? if so, what does she say? I think if there was any chance of helping her to leave, I would try to help.

I hear what you're saying about not engaging but I feel so guilty. I worry that he will seriously hurt her, or kill her to be frank. I used to why to call the police when I was a kid but she always talked me down, begged me not to ruin the family and we would have no money without him, etc. It's horrible looking back but I was mostly a good girl who did as she was told.

ukgift2016

I am sorry your mother putting you through this.

Similar happend to my oldest sister except my mother was isolated, had no siblings or friends to talk too.

What did your sister do?

ThickFast

Is there any way you can reduce the amount you talk to her. Give her the number for woman’s aid.

I try to keep contact to a minimum but she keeps calling and now we're in a situation where she calls me crying a lot after an argument or something. I feel bad as I accidentally caused one of them. I bought a house recently and we need a front door. She offered to look for one at this place near where they live and I said yes please not knowing it was uPVC only and they didn't stock composite doors. I gave her the measurements but she she still asked my dad about the size and style etc and he blew up at her that I didn't want any plastic shit, called her a bunch of names. I feel very guilty about that but I don't understand why she keeps trying to talk to him and is surprised when he reacts in exactly the same way every time.

Her English isn't fantastic, do women's aid speak other languages? I'm sorry if that's a stupid question, I've not had any dealings with them myself.

chillied

do you suggest to your mum that she could leave? if so, what does she say? I think if there was any chance of helping her to leave, I would try to help.

I've been telling her since I was 12 to leave. A few months ago I offered her my spare room. She refuses.

I'm sorry about the typos, I didn't sleep much last night and my head is all over the place.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I don’t have any practical advice but just wanted to say it sounds so tough and like you’ve tried to do the right thing for many years.

Please don’t be hard on yourself and blame yourself for being cold. I think your feelings sound normal as it must be very hard and stressful. You have tried to help and you can’t force your mother to make changes.

Hiya xxx
Wow that's heavy and relentless xxx
At the very least, you sound like you need a break from it all. Right now.

In the long term, you might...
Work out what youd like with each person.
See if it can be brought about ie no contact with father, limited with mother and with conditions.
Think over how embroiled you are in the dynamic. Their fault firstly as the adults, and now your responsibility as an adult.
You have to do things differently to solve this....think over that. They won't like it but you must hold fast.
The root of it may be that your childhood had serious deficiencies and has harmed you. Your parents may never be what you need. And it's ok for them to know.

I cut my family off at age 25, starting with my abusive mother. I wrote and told her straight and I was petrified that she'd come and get me. Nothing happened. But I went on to finally come out as a person without all the shit and upset hanging over me.

You are not alone. Lots go thro this. It's ok to hang up, to block for a while, to tell them straight why, or to cut one or both off. Try a year first and see how you go xxxx

Oh my word, they have done such a number on you...you are so self-aware, yet trapped in hell at the same time. You are not responsible for them, you never were. You are part of their games, you are a part of the drama. Can you work with a therapist perhaps and make steps to improve your boundaries and step back? Good luck.

That situation with the door is not your fault. The abuse is not your fault. Any of it. Even if it’s happened because of something to do with you. The only person to blame is your dad. I know you’re an adult, but it feels like your emotions are still stuck in child mode. Children often think that the abuse is their fault when it’s not. So it might be good to try to work on that. You didn’t make the horrible things come out of his mouth. He’s the one who said them.

When I used to work in a refuge, we would often use interpreters for women who don’t speak English. There’s a way of doing it on the phone. And lots of our staff spoke other languages so that may be the case at women’s aid too. Google the national dv helpline. And I’m going to say it again. It’s not your fault. You are not responsible for all of this and you certainly can’t fix it. Only your mum can make the decision about what she wants to do.

Sorry, by child mode I didn’t mean that you sound childish. I just mean in that aspect of your relationship with your parents.

ThickFast

Sorry, by child mode I didn’t mean that you sound childish. I just mean in that aspect of your relationship with your parents.

I understand, thank you. I do feel like a regress massively whenever I'm around them. I'm a competent human being in life usually!

Do you think she sees you as the surrogate spouse?

She comes to you the way she would a spouse is what I mean.

It’s very easy to regress with parents. I wonder if you felt responsible for her safety even as a small child. For you own sake and well-being, you’ll need to figure out a way of putting up some emotional boundaries with her. Let go of the responsibility for what you can’t control.

Op this is called Triangulation.
Your DM is drawing you into the toxic relationship so that you are made to feel responsible for her emotions but also feel FOG
Fear, obligation and guilt.
Stately homes thread in relationships is great and will be helpful.

Aussiebean

Do you think she sees you as the surrogate spouse?

I don't know, maybe? She's an odd mix of ineffectual and incompetent, and very stubborn and "resilient" in that she built up a life for us here in the UK and helped various friends out in various ways.

I'm usually a calm person but she makes me lose my temper often. She will never drop things. I can't just say stuff, I have to shout at her and then she will say "ok ok daughter, you don't need to yell, I understand".

ThickFast

It’s very easy to regress with parents. I wonder if you felt responsible for her safety even as a small child.

Oh absolutely I did. I can't even tell you how much I tried to make her leave when I was young and naive, I wanted to fix everything and I wanted to lock my dad up and then we could be happy. I can't to my senses as I grew up and that's when I started to pull away, emotionally. I remember someone saying to me once, off-handedly "some people can't be saved". I feel very conflicted about that: some days I think this applies to her, other days I think I can stride in and fix everything. But I don't understand how she thinks and she tells me to be quiet, not say anything, not make things worse for her, and I retreat back into myself, feeling paralyzed and furious and like a failure.

StyleandBeautyfail

Op this is called Triangulation.

I've never heard that phrase before; do you have any links I could read up on?

Your DM is drawing you into the toxic relationship so that you are made to feel responsible for her emotions but also feel FOG
Fear, obligation and guilt.
Stately homes thread in relationships is great and will be helpful.

I fear for her safety, I feel obliged to help her somehow, even though I think i end up making things worse, and I do feel guilty for "leaving" I suppose.

I've seen that thread referenced before, isn't that for kids who were abused? I was never abused, the worst I ever got was a smack every now and again for acting out.

Hi OP
Stately homes thread is for adult children of toxic parents.
Abuse is not always physical.

I think you need to go low contact with both of them. Pull away for 6 months. Force them to realign their lives without you being their support, and then later you can decide whether it's possible to go back to more regular contact, or not (you might find you don't want to... which is absolutely ok).