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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage disaster

25 replies

bakedoff · 13/08/2020 00:16

My DH has totally checked out of our marriage. I spend every night on my own. Sleep separately. Watch TV on my own. I’m so lonely. We’ve been arguing a lot over the last couple of years and he’s now taken to giving me the silent treatment (only ending if I beg and apologise). It’s never ending. We have kids. What do I do? At the moment he won’t even talk to me about us and the marriage. I feel stuck. The silent withdrawal and withdrawal of company drives me to despair. I just want to be with somebody who wants to be with me and who argues “well”. Everybody falls out don’t they in long term marriages but you agree to disagree or say sorry and move on...how do you move on or resolve when there’s no communication? He’s just completely shut me down. Does anyone have any words of wisdom please?

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2020 00:18

What do you want to do?

Original poster

bakedoff · 13/08/2020 00:24

I want a happy, easy marriage with hugs and kisses and fun times

OP posts:

CausingChaos2 · 13/08/2020 00:27

He’s emotionally abusive. He’s using tactics like the silent treatment to stop you from challenging him. You really don’t have to live like this, please seek support in real life too.

LemonTT · 13/08/2020 00:28

@bakedoff

I want a happy, easy marriage with hugs and kisses and fun times

Then you need a new husband.

madcow88 · 13/08/2020 00:32

I don't agree you need another husband. But you most certainly need to get out of this marriage for your sake. Be happy on your own with your DC and I promise you you will be so much happier.

Sending big hugs.

Enough4me · 13/08/2020 00:34

You are at point A, you want point C, the journey B is easy to write, will take years to go through:

End it
Legally financially separate & divorce (these are related but separate)
Adjust to being single
Go on lots of dates meet someone new

Original poster

bakedoff · 13/08/2020 00:41

I’m too old to meet someone new. I’m too tired. I’m too broken. I just want my husband to be nice to me!

OP posts:

RainbowMum11 · 13/08/2020 00:41

I do think there are 2 sides though - maybe the marriage is over, but from what you have said, I really think there is a big back story or at least another side.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2020 00:51

You won't get what you want from him.

When did things get so bad?

Is he interested in the children?

Did he want children?

Is he different with friends or family members?

The absolute detachment from you could indicate he is seeing someone else.

Do you work at all?

I was thinking maybe he wants the marriage over, but perhaps financially it would be difficult, so he feels resentful and takes it out on you.

This isn't a healthy relationship and it will impact on your DC.

While you decide what to do, I suggest you turn your focus away from him and focus on being the best version of yourself...whilst making good memories for your DC.

Begging and apologising for doing nothing wrong is humiliating and the more you do it, the less he respects you. In his mind, he'll just see you as undesirable for begging and you boost his ego with the begging.

Couchbettato · 13/08/2020 00:52

Unfortunately OP you don't have the power to change him.

You can only change yourself.

Your happiness is important so get your ducks in a row, and serve him with divorce papers for treating you like a second rate citizen in your own home.

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2020 00:59

@bakedoff

I want a happy, easy marriage with hugs and kisses and fun times

So when did the fun stop - I am assuming there was fun once ?

GlorianaCervixia · 13/08/2020 01:11

This is no way to live.

You can tell him that you want the relationship to change and that you miss him but if he stonewalls you in response then you need to make a choice. You have a whole life ahead of you, you shouldn’t have to spend it begging for scraps of attention.

Original poster

bakedoff · 13/08/2020 05:42

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

Coffeecak3 · 13/08/2020 05:53

The easiest way to get your dh's attention is to genuinely not care if he gives any.
Dress yourself up and go out and live.
He'll notice that!
And you'll have fun.

PicsInRed · 13/08/2020 06:10

@bakedoff

I’m too old to meet someone new. I’m too tired. I’m too broken. I just want my husband to be nice to me!

He won't, this is who he is.

Your self esteem is already battered, your sanity will be next. You need to leave. As they say, you need to put the mask on yourself first so that you can care for the kids. His behaviour towards you is also abusive to the kids - it deprives them of a happy and focused mother, your focus being otherwise totally diverted to HIM and HIS feelings. As he wants and intends it.

Needtogetbackinthesack · 13/08/2020 06:49

I had a very similar marriage - lots and lots of other issues, but the end result was that we lived exactly as you described.

Eventually a couple of big things happened that led me to make plans to leave, but during the planning we went on a holiday with our 2 kids and it was the most lonely, soul destroying week of my life. At home I used to get on with my life/hobbies/social life and could survive - that's what you need to do. Make plans to leave but also make your own life while you execute those plans.

You say you're too old - unless you're on your deathbed then you're too young to live like that for the rest of your life. It will completely destroy you. As much as I had my own life, his treatment of me did completely break me and I had low confidence, and still a year on I still get anxious about meeting my new partner's friends in case they give me the same disregard that the ex and his friends did. In actual fact I have a very loving and attentive partner and his friends have welcomed me too. You can get out and enjoy life, this can't go on.

OhioOhioOhio · 13/08/2020 07:07

There are not 2 sides to abuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2020 07:46

You are not too old; that is just an excuse and a poor one at that. He will continue to bash your self esteem into the ground if you continue to live this half existence with him.

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one for the sake of your children. Staying for the sake of the kids is never a good idea and whose sake really are you staying for; theirs or just as likely yours because its somehow "easier"?.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents (so what did yours teach you?).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you would potentially want them to emulate as adults, no it is not is it?. Its not good enough for you either. And indeed there are no two sides to abuse; that is all on him.

pointythings · 13/08/2020 07:51

@RainbowMum11

I do think there are 2 sides though - maybe the marriage is over, but from what you have said, I really think there is a big back story or at least another side.

I just love the way there's nearly always someone who comes on these threads to say what amounts to 'Well, you must have done something to deserve it'.

Bollocks. Sometimes people just change. Sometimes people just show their true colours. Some people are emotionally abusive and start ramping it up when they can get away with it.

OP, you need to adjust your thinking. What is 'too old'? I'm 52 and the widow of a man who turned into an abusive alcoholic. I'm currently not dating and not interested, but I'm anything but broken and absolutely open to the idea of meeting someone. I still have two kids at home (17 and 18, the 18yo is fostered) and I have a job. I love single life. There is better than what you have now.

BurtsBeesKnees · 13/08/2020 07:54

You can't change him op, this is who he is and he's behaving the way he wants to. All you can do is change your reaction to him.

Give yourself a choice, it's either continue living like this, or leave and live on your own with your dc? Which seems the most attractive?

Dennysheart · 13/08/2020 07:56

I’d rather be alone than live like you are. The silence is a form of abuse tactic to get you to shut up. He’s not interested in how you feel. I would make plans to leave.

Guavaf1sh · 13/08/2020 07:58

Silent treatment is abuse - he won’t change. You only live once so you might as well be happy - find a better non abusive husband

SandyY2K · 13/08/2020 08:01

Can you elaborate on this?

We’ve been arguing a lot over the last couple of years

This may shed light on him checking out of the relationship.

What's causing the arguments. What are you arguing about?

You sleep separately....well that's usually an issue in a marriage unless it's by mutual choice.

The lack of a physical relationship will impact most relationships.

Was he ever the person you truly wanted him to be as a husband? Or has he just become worse than bearable.

OhioOhioOhio · 13/08/2020 08:06

pointythings

I used to be in the 'two sides' club. Omg I have learned my lesson. I didn't do anything ever to deserve my xh nasty and venomous behaviour towards me. Op. Get out.

dottiedodah · 13/08/2020 08:42

I feel for you .You say you want a happy easy marriage with hugs kisses and fun times! Sorry but I think this sounds like a dream! Sure most marriages start off like this .But after a few years together with DC money worries and so on they will erode! When you say you have been arguing over the last few years ,what are the issues ?(not nosy ,just trying to get an overall picture)! Are they still unresolved.Are they circular arguments where you go round and round over the same points ?Have you considered Counselling (Even alone if he wont come with you to see what is going wrong).Many people can become "polarised" as DM often focuses on DC ,and DH can feel a bit too taken up with work and so on.As a last resort what would he say if you told him you were thinking of a Divorce do you think? I am sorry to say this but could he be having an affair ? If he has "checked out" of the marriage ?

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