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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed

15 replies

MoreListeningLessChatting · 12/08/2020 19:03

I have been seeing a man for 12 months. His previous partner ended with him (nearly 2 years ago), not really sure why - she didn't really want to be in a relationship anymore - she has since been single.

I have been told that they didn't finish then and were on off for a long time after that - even during when he was seeing me for the early few months. I asked him and he says he did go back out with her 'a few times' because he wanted to get back together with her. He never mentioned this before and so I assume a gap between us. Her social media profile shows a night out with other friends with him tagged that was after we first had sex.

Is this
A a person to not trust
B No big thing
C He is one of those people who cannot be single and was looking around but hoping the ex would also take him back so I was 'make do'

I feel really odd about this and feel that he is untrustworthy now and not worth considering for a long term commitment.

Or I could just be over the top and overthinking things!

Help?

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 12/08/2020 22:04

I asked him and he says he did go back out with her 'a few times' because he wanted to get back together with her.

I wouldn't like him have been sneakily seeing other people as well as me, and it's tactless for him to say he wanted to get back with her while he was seeing you.

LilyWater · 12/08/2020 22:15

The risk you have is that if she ever shows interest in him again in the future he could go running back to her (including behind your back). It would be different story if the relationship had definitively ended before you both started seeing each other. The fact he was still sniffing around trying to get back with her when he's supposed to be in the honeymoon period with you shows he prefers her. Sorry OP but this only screams future heartbreak and I would also wonder whether he's only with you in order to distract himself from what he's lost with her or trying to make her jealous.

Anordinarymum · 12/08/2020 22:20

I wonder who broke up with whom? And after he had seen her and you and then presumably only you, was it his decision or hers?

Don't write him off until you know. I would want all the facts

OhYeahYouSuck · 12/08/2020 22:25

Hmm, it's tough. Perhaps he thought you and he would be a casual thing and wasn't expecting it to turn into anything, then it did.

I'd have a frank conversation with him. Tell him you want to know and ask why he lied. Also ask him if he still has feelings for her. He may lie but you may be able to work out if he is. Tell him it's damaged your trust in him and see what his response is.

Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 14/08/2020 10:52

@Anordinarymum

Thanks.

He initially said they split a couple of years ago. Then roll on a year and I find out they did split 2 years ago but he saw her a number of times (4?) over the next 6 months on dates, and really wanted to get back with her. He met me, early days but she still tagged him in fb posts although others there as well. So feels odd and makes me feel uncomfortable.

I believe in being open and honest and I think he has skirted around a bit and is a bit evasive. So hence, I feel uncomfortable. I believe that after he saw her during our first few months it completely ended but it's that beginning stage - why do that? It's really hurtful.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 14/08/2020 10:54

@SoulofanAggron

All these wanting to get back with her was just before I came on the scene (I think) although he did go out again with her and a group of others a few months into our 'relationship'....

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 14/08/2020 10:56

@OhYeahYouSuck

He says he is committed to me. However, this doesn't show in actions. I feel unless I text/ring etc he doesn't bother. I feel like I run it all and do all the running...

So I have answered my own question really. I just want someone to love just me - it isn't a lot to ask is it.

OP posts:
OhYeahYouSuck · 14/08/2020 17:32

It's not a lot to ask. It's the basic premise for a relationship with someone. As they say, actions speak louder than words so I would go by what he does, not what he says.

seensome · 14/08/2020 17:50

He is a man not to trust and seems like he would rather be with his ex if she would let him sorry to say... also him seeing you both, you finding out, why did you carry on with him? It's like an open invitation for him now to be a cheat because you accepted that behaviour.
If I was you I wouldn't put much hope into a solid committed future with him, just a bit of fun the way he is treating you and date other men.

Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 16/08/2020 10:11

I was told he had been seeing someone else during the period we were getting together.... that wasn't true. I spoke to him and then checked with the person that told me - humm I think they were deliberately vague and dropped hints that could have ruined a great relationship. He did try to get back with her on a few occasions after they split up 2 years ago which was a long time before I came along a year ago. The other individual implied that it was more recent that was untrue... said that I misunderstood - which I did.

Note to self - communicate and ask more questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 16/08/2020 10:14

@seensome

I think you misunderstood 'you accepted that behaviour' ... I never accepted it - I was only recently told that he was chasing after his ex the implication was recently - I spoke to that person again and it was immediately after they split (a year before I came along) and for a few months then went separate ways.... I think they were deliberately vague and set me off thinking/overthinking but once I actually asked for actual it was a few months after they split! He then confirmed that. I spoke to other person first.

OP posts:
cautionhot · 16/08/2020 10:15

But it's not a great relationship....?

Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 16/08/2020 10:17

The night out with other friends and tagged was a group event they all were at and not together. I think my taking 1 and 1 and coming up with 5 says that I wasn't confident but now cleared up all good. Sadly, people do like to cause confusion and are deliberately vague when suggesting things... I've learnt to immediately question said person if they suggest anything about anything - I didn't at the time because I was shocked. Some people love to stir

OP posts:
Babdoc · 16/08/2020 10:20

OP, I think your update was more telling than the original post. That you have to do all the texting and make all the running, otherwise he doesn’t bother.
That screams “He’s not that into you”. And probably he does still wish he could get back with the ex.
Please don’t be so needy that you hang onto this man (or any man) out of a desperate wish to be loved.
Take some time off from dating, learn to love yourself, to be more independent. Then look for a man who will actually love you and be committed to you in deeds, not just words. A man who isn’t using you as a first reserve insurance policy in case he can’t get his ex back.
You are worth more than that.

Original poster
MoreListeningLessChatting · 16/08/2020 16:51

Thanks for all your replies, much appreciated.

OP posts:
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