Worth ending a 5 year relationship purely due to lack of intimacy?

[AnonEsk223]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years now (I’m 23, he’s 25). He is the loveliest, kindest, patient and most gentle man I’ve ever known.
We lived with my parents since last June and since then, we have probably had sex about 4 or 5 times. Not only this but we don’t kiss or do anything else, only cuddle.
Just before lockdown, our relationship broke down as a result of this, as well as me feeling like he wasn’t making a massive effort. We spent lockdown apart and after about 6 weeks, we had a ‘f* it’ moment and decided to put everything into our relationship and rent a flat together.

4 weeks down the line, things are nice. We have a lovely flat, we love each others company and we’re having fun. But I just feel like I live with my roommate. I feel so guilty for having these thoughts because he is SO lovely but it’s just not happening. He says he doesn’t want to initiate because he knows I don’t want to, and I feel so so guilty. I just know I’d be forcing it. But I just feel like we have tried everything. I am absolutely terrified of losing him and the thought makes me feel sick because I know so many people would die to have a boyfriend like mine. I know full well how lucky I am and I do think he’s good looking, I’m just never in the mood anymore. I’m also starting to find another guy attractive which is really making me panic.

Am I being dramatic? The thought of leaving such a fantastic man makes me feel sick but I’m so lost. I’d appreciate any help. Thanks x

It's time to admit that something is missing from this relationship, and it doesn't matter how nice of a man he is. Don't waste your youth on a partnership that doesn't fully satisfy you, because this is not going to get any better.

Please end this now. It won’t get better.
My exH was lovely - we had the best time as friends, but the lack of intimacy killed us.
If I wanted a housemate, I’d have gotten one, not married.
Please, please find someone who loves you for all of you.

I left my ex of 5 years, we had a wedding booked the works, owned a house. Listen to your gut

No you're not being too dramatic. On a fundamental level the two of you are not compatible. I've seen way too much misery and damage endured by people in relationships in which they are just not sexually compatible. So many people downplay this but it can utterly wreck a person's sense of well being in the long term. The length of the relationship doesn't mean you should soldier on if its not working for you any more.

When you say you're finding another man attractive, can you see yourself being intimate with him / someone else? As if you can then I think thank answers your question, as it may be that it's not that you don't want to be intimate it is being intimate with your current partner isn't what you want.

Did you previously enjoy sex with partner? Do you think anything could get you back into that place?

Ultimately though, you don't need to stay with someone just because they're nice, if there is no spark, no connection and as you say no intimacy then something is missing, and you're aware of that by posting. I think you know what you want to you, and that is ok.

Well I've been with my DW 30 years, married 28. There are many reasons why our relationship has endured but one of the most important - perhaps the most important - is that we have always had an active and fulfilling sex life. We are now in our 60s and still DTD at least once a week.

If sexual compatibility is an issue then you should think very, very carefully before embarking on an LTR.

Leave!
I was in an almost similar situation and I had to go. I'm now seeing someone who has such a bigger sex drive than ex. We are more compatible in the bedroom. You're missing out

Thanks for the replies everyone :)

I am just really struggling cos he's my best mate, he's been making me laugh all day and I'm really struggling. Theres so much going for us but literally just the lack of sex lets us down.

Thanks all x

What sort of contraception are you on?
Are you taking any medication?

Can you think of any reason your sex drive has vanished with him? Bad experience? Resentment of something he's done?

It could just be that you’ve grown up and grown apart. It happens, you can still love him and not be in love with him. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, but if you feel like housemates then you need to let him go. He needs to find someone that wants to be with him as a girlfriend.

Don’t stay with someone just because they’re nice. Plenty of people are nice.

Why not just be single for a while and see what happens. Don’t stay in the wrong relationship because you’re scared of being on your own.

I was on antidepressants for a while so thought it was them, but I've been off them for a good few months now. I'm not on any contraception and he's never done anything wrong/I've never had a bad experience x

Maybe he's just meant to be a great friend, not your lover/life-partner?

If you're fancying other people, but don't want sex with him, then it's not looking good. You would be better trying to split amicably now, than dragging on and ending up cheating on him - or vice versa.

But do you think you'd have more of a sex drive or more desire for it if you were with someone else?
Perhaps you can have a chat with him and see if you can spice up your sex life, let him know how you really feel. Then if after giving it your all, you still feel something is missing, then perhaps it's time to move on.
Sex for me is not the most important part of a relationship, I'd take a good man who made me laugh, over a sizzling sex life any day...

Do you not want to have sex at all, or just not want to have sex with him?

SSRIs can cause libido issues that can certainly persist some months after stopping

Annoyingly I fantasised over having sex with someone recently that wasn't him :(

At 23, OP has plenty of time to find a sizzling sex life with someone nice who makes her laugh. I wouldn't encourage anyone to settle, especially so young.

@AnonEsk223

Thanks for the replies everyone :)

I am just really struggling cos he's my best mate, he's been making me laugh all day and I'm really struggling. Theres so much going for us but literally just the lack of sex lets us down.

Thanks all x

have you tried talking to him?

Yeah we've spoken about it a lot over the last few days. He's a bit shattered by it all and said he needs a few days to think x

Have you tried initiating it more?

You're so young that it's difficult for you to judge if you'd just be like this in every relationship. How is your life generally? Is it mundane? Would you like more excitment there? What do your fantasies about other men involve? Where are they? What are you doing? Examining these will help you understand what you need.

If you laugh like that with him, you really enjoy his company so much AND he'd handsome, I wouldn't let go just yet.

@AnonEsk223

Annoyingly I fantasised over having sex with someone recently that wasn't him :(

That does suggest to me that it's not your sex drive, but rather that deep down, you don't want sex with him. During the time I was planning to leave my abusive ex, I started fantasising about other people. By the time I left, I was donig this to help me get through sex with him, so he didn't suspect anything.

I would think some counselling, alone, would help you to unravel what's going on.

If you are fantasising about having sex with someone else then the problem lies with your current relationship . If you were having a sex drive problem , you wouldn’t be wanting it with anyone .
In all fairness to your DP I’d step back for a moment and give you both some space . No one wants to have a partner that can’t face the thought of sex with them . You say he’s pretty much perfect , but maybe he’s just not perfect for you .