5 year relationship ended out of the blue... what does what he is saying mean?

[Twopaperaeroplanes]

Hi there, so at the start of July my partner of 5 years broke up with me.

It was a bit messy, the day it happened we were viewing a house that I had paid to reserved and I had paid mortgage broker fees etc. So we were far in to the process and a day away from signing documents etc.
He said he loved the house it was really nice. Then we went home he put a film on and then he suggested to watch another film and I said sure but lets just decide what to do about this house that we 100% want it. And then he just ended it, said he didn't want any of it and didn't want to be with me.

Obviously we had a huge conversation there were A LOT of tears from both sides. He told me he still loves me, he still cares about me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. He said I haven't changed to make him feel different and I haven't done anything wrong its something with him and he doesn't know what.

After lots of talking I told him I think he has depression, when you look at all the symptoms he's got 99% of them. He agreed said he thinks he does too I said he should speak to someone and he shrugged and said he got through it before he can do it again and I said that's not a fair way to approach it for himself or anyone around him. I asked him what helped him get through it last time and he said me.

We spoke last week, and he said he's having to force himself out because if he doesn't go out he's sat at home in his bed on his own sad and upset missing me and regretting what he had done. So I said why didn't you call me to talk about it and he said that he just can't see a future anymore. I said theres more to the future than a house that isn't something we have to do right away we can wait. He said he knows that.

Leading up to the break up he blamed be for his weight gain (However he is the slimmest I've ever seen him since knowing him) And I feel like he's blaming me for his sadness but I've given him my all and done everything I can to try make him happy. I feel like he's blaming me for things that really he needs to take ownership for. He's been in the same low paying job for 10 years with no change and he hates it there. He can be quite lazy and stubborn so to me it just feels like I'm getting the blame so he doesn't have to face the truth?
Sounds crazy but I don't think this is what he wants?

Enough about him. What do you want???

I think at the very least you need some time apart. There are clearly issues that need to be resolved.
Take some time to reflect on your role in relationships and how you see yourself. You’re coming across as a rescuer to me.

Think about what you want moving forward. Be realistic about whether or not you can have that dream with this man.

Life with someone with different values and goals to you and with a mental illness might not be the best thing for you.

Good luck

Sounds like he's done you a favour. He resents you for not being unhappy in the way he is.

Take your time to get over him and move on. Find someone not stuck in a rut.
Or be single it's awesome.

As hard as it is I can't see this relationship ever making you happy.. ever!
Take this time to make yourself happy for once. 5 years is a massively long time to be treated like this.

We haven't been like this for the whole 5 years, I would say since lockdown is when it changed. So it hasn't been me stuck in a horrible relationship for five years :)
But I understand what everyone is saying. I'm just upset cause we've always been on the same page about the future etc had very similar views so now I'm just left a bit shocked and to go from one morning about to move in to a house together and take our next step to that night it all gone?
I love him an incredible amount. We really were best friends and so alike. I'm just so heartbroken and wish he'd of spoken sooner. I really don't want us to be over :(

Why are you so desperate to cling onto this man? Unless you've been the one putting the brakes on the relationship the whole time, it's telling he's made no legal commitment to you i.e. marriage after 5 years together. Theres no way he feels the same as you - he doesn't even want to have house ties with you! OP raise your standards and your dignity! You're worth so much more and the good thing at least is that you've found out now. Move on and dont waste any more months/years on him or you'll live to regret it

A similar thing happened to me when we were looking at buying a house. The most painful time for me. Can I ask how old you are?

My dp blamed me for how he felt and said he wanted to leave (5+ years together). Eventually he referred himself for therapy and we spent a lot of time together helping him see what was really bothering him (he looks at what he thinks should be bothering him not what is actually bothering him) and now we have never been stronger. However, he had to make that commitment to seek treatment and work on us and you can't force someone into it if they aren't ready.

Yeah my ex pretty much did this, although I didn't get much of an explanation. Broke it off after 6.5 years when we had made an offer on our house.

It was out of the blue for me and I was shocked and heartbroken but on reflection two years prior he had also had a period of seeming to be depressed and tried to leave. He didn't, but unfortunately he also didn't communicate what the issues were, so I didn't know how to make things better. I thought the relationship was good and it was, on reflection I wasn't always super perfect myself but it has taken a couple of years to find this out for myself due to the lack of communication. So anyway we carried on until he eventually left at the house purchase stage. Was heartbroken and blindsided, it was two years ago, I am still having nightmares and still not fully recovered.

Anyway when it happened I also thought he might be depressed again, despite him leaving out of the blue and me being so upset, I kept in contact via text etc for a while, asking if he was ok, asking if I could help him. Meanwhile he just blocked me on all social media whilst still responding to my texts in a way that suggested he appreciated me checking he was ok. In the end it was too hard for me to keep this up as I was suffering too so I cut all contact with him and also mutual friends unfortunately.

Very shortly after I saw him on Tinder, Bumble, etc although he had been adamant on leaving that he just wanted to be alone. One year later he was with a girl 10 years younger. No further contact.

I don't know what the moral of the story is but if he is ending it he is ending it, he may have depression or it may be an excuse, if he does have it he may be wrongly attributing all his unhappiness to you, which is unfair. Ultimately what do you want and are you strong enough to try to help him even though he has called it off and hurt you. In the end I wasn't.

I still wish none of it happened and I never knew why it really did. I just know what happened after with the dating sites and the young woman.

I've given him my all and done everything I can to try make him happy

Big mistake, huge.

You could have years and years of trying to 'make him happy,' until eventually there is nothing of you left.

This must be such a lot to take in for you. I think the depression could be an excuse as being depressed doesnt make you want to end a relationship.... I think you need to let him go. He is the only one that can make himself happy not you. I think its pretty mean to pull out of house purchase like that, he must have been feeling like this for a while.

@Colourmeclear So I am 22 nearly 23 and he is 26. So obviously relationship started young however we've always had similar wants for the future. I'm glad you guys managed to work through it and I really hope we can too, however I just can't see him pushing himself to get help. He's told me before he finds that scary.

@Clementinewine I'm sorry to hear you are still hurting from this 2 years on. It is such a horrible experience and thing to go through when you are so deeply in love with the person but also the relationship you have.
The scary thing is how they can push it all down as if nothing has happened. They can almost just forget it all so quickly and it's horrible when you're sat heartbroken and upset.

This has been a crazy time, I can see both views. The struggle is when you know a person so well it's difficult to see a side of them so out of character from what you know. I said to his best friend the week before the house viewing 'This is such a big step its so exciting but he'll probably break up with me after the house viewing' As a joke. I predicted he would do this I know him and I know how he works. Same as I can't shift this gut feeling that this isn't what he wants.
I know theres no way to 'get him back' thats for him to decide thats his mind and choices. But I just can't stop thinking about him and us.
I found out through mutuals social media that he's going camping soon to the middle of nowhere (They do this every year) I'm hoping that time away secluded and away from everything will give him time to think.

I just don't know how to keep busy and distract myself from the pain I'm feeling.

Buying a house together is a big commitment. Could he have got cold feet and is using "depression" as an excuse to back out? Either way, it's not fair on you OP leaving you in the lurch at the last minute. I would give YOURSELF some space and time to think.....focus on YOU for a change and let him get on with it. You never know, you just might come to the conclusion you're better off without all the drama.

@Cherrygirl3 Maybe? I do wonder if he used depression as an excuse however he has suffered with it in the past and he has all the symptoms of it too. It's just a fight in my head constantly now.

I do hope I can focus on me now and just handle all of it better but it just hurts in the now.

The depression is his and he has to be the one to get help with it. Right now the break up is raw and painful. Unfortunately, that is just a phase that has to be endured until it finally wanes. Even if, in the future, you do get back together again there is a strong likelihood that something similar would happen again.

Is he actually doing anything about the depression? If he's getting help, then maybe you should keep trying. If he's not getting help, bin him off. You're far too young to be tied to a miserable man who refuses to take responsibility for himself and makes his feelings your problem. You've had a lucky escape here. Make sure he pays you his fair share of any fees you've paid for the house, and be glad you're free.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

Is he actually doing anything about the depression? If he's getting help, then maybe you should keep trying. If he's not getting help, bin him off. You're far too young to be tied to a miserable man who refuses to take responsibility for himself and makes his feelings your problem. You've had a lucky escape here. Make sure he pays you his fair share of any fees you've paid for the house, and be glad you're free.

Well I gave him lots of links to things that could help him, therapy, just general symptoms, numbers he could call to talk if he needed to. But he's not done any of it. His friend who we both lived with through our relationship has told me he's focusing on himself now and setting goals for himself etc. But what bothers me about that is that I never ever would've sat there and stopped him doing that? If he turned around and said I'm not quite ready for this house yet cause I want to focus on this I would've been like that's fine that's cool go for it. Have just cut contact now, his friend said that he is never going to message me or talk to me again but I don't think that's true. When he broke up with me he said this isn't to say we can never talk again just need some time not talking. I dunno.

@heyday

The depression is his and he has to be the one to get help with it. Right now the break up is raw and painful. Unfortunately, that is just a phase that has to be endured until it finally wanes. Even if, in the future, you do get back together again there is a strong likelihood that something similar would happen again.

Yeah it is a horrible stage to go through. To be honest I wouldn't get back with him unless he got help but also was actively trying to better his life. He's sat at the same job for 10 years and never tried to progress in it or progress from it. Meanwhile I've changed jobs twice and had 2 promotions.