loveless marriage.pulling me down

[tyrone2020]

hi there..looking for some guidance / support..I have been with my husband 28 years married almost 18..all in all it has not been an especially happy relationship..a lot of it stemmed from having to do IVF due to male factor fertility I believe..it too over 10 years to have our 2 kids..I know that the sleeping arrangements with our kids has really bombed the marriage ...they struggled to sleep on their own so over the years a lot of bed hopping to the point he went to the back bedroom and has never really returned....I feel I am now living with a husk / empty shell of a man..no love or kindness..intimacy is basically gone..I feel so alone and rejected..I had 2 close bereavement also in a year that was tough but still no thawing of the ice...I am.hurt angry and resentful and went through so much punishing fertility treatment when the issue was with him...i would love to leave even though my support systems are pretty poor but worry about how this would affect the kids.. a broken home...its just so difficult and lonely.. am.i the only one that this ridiculous situation has happened to?

I feel for you. I can understand your resentment. It sounds lonely and no, you're not the only one.

I don't know how old you are but my experience has taught me that time doesn't necessarily heal despite all efforts to make it so. The fertility issues sound like they could be one of those 'time won't ever heal' issues, but only you can determine that.

Have you tried talking to him about how you are feeling? He might be desperately lonely too, and want to rebuild intimacy - maybe he just doesn't know how to. That's the place to start. And If you haven't tried counselling that might be worth trying.

If you think the issues between you are insurmountable then maybe it would be best to look to an independent future while you are young enough to begin again. Start getting your ducks in a row as they say here on MN. Support networks would open up as you move into an independent life. The children will be happier if you are happier.
Good luck.

thank you for your reply..counselling is something he would not do...I know this is no life ..I deserve much better than this..i am sad i gave him such a chunk of my life..

Have you spoken to him about how you feel. Perhaps he feels pushed out and rejected because of the dcs. Perhaps he thinks you blame him for the fertility issues. That would hurt a lot.

Does he want to rekindle the relationship too? Can you take some time, just the two of you? Ask grandparents to look after the children while you have some downtime to try to sort things out.

I am in a similar situation. 20 years here. Issues with parenting young kids and his temper led to separate bedrooms and he now won’t return. It is such a lonely life and I feel bitter and resentful. I had an amazing life before I met him and I wish I’d never given it up for him. I just want to meet somebody who thinks I’m lovely and is kind and wants to spend time with me. I feel that I’m destined to spend my life alone and lonely.
My self esteem is through the floor. So I understand what you are going through.

thanks again for your replies..I feel really sorry that others such as yourself baked off is going through this too...my kids are still only 11 and 7 and my wee boy 7years really is still clingy and wont sleep on his own yet..I really try to keep a physical connection with him when I can muster up almost the courage ..but it is rarely returned and so I end up feeling almost like a prostitute...I am just living with a carcus of a man and it is really affecting my mental health. I feel like I am in a daily state of mourning..and I just keep going for my kids...but I am sick looking at the relationships of some of his siblings ..ie happy couples and feel that it is now pointless going to any of his family get togethers in the future because I am really not a married woman...

What did he say when you spoke to him about this?

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one for the sake of your children. Staying for the sake of the kids is never a good idea and whose sake really are you staying for; theirs or just as likely yours because its somehow "easier"?.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you would potentially want them to emulate too, no it is not. Its not good enough for you either.

Your children will and likely indeed have picked up on all the vibes here between you two both spoken and unspoken. Their house too is likely not the sanctuary it should be.

everything you are saying is so true...I feel like a paralysed coward.. I think if my family support system was stronger I would be gone.. losing my parents and a frayed relationship with a brother has completely knocked my confidence...I know that emotionally I am alone anyway...the kids adore him and he is so much lighter with them...I think perhaps if I can get my job situation sorted out and get myself into a better position financially .then the final shift of leaving might be easier..my wee girl is starting a new school and I have to keep things steady for her for another little while anyway...at least to the new year..what's a few extra months..when I have been only half living for all these years...

You do not need your family to validate you; you just need to validate your own self as a person here and to give yourself permission to leave. I also doubt very much that your children actually adore him as much as actually fear him because they see all too clearly how you are treated (and perhaps worse of all even blame themselves for the state of their parents parlous marriage). At the very least they are getting mixed emotional messages from him if they are being treated well (or at least well whilst they are compliant and quiet) whilst you as their mother are ignored or otherwise denigrated and disrespected.

It would also be an idea for you to start to seek legal advice re separation and divorce. You do not have to act on that straight away and planning is also key here. Knowledge too is more power to you.

An extra few months of living like this will also affect your children. You have a choice re this man, they do not and they have to follow your lead. There is never a good time to leave and always some excuse or occasion to stay; now you are using your daughter's new school and there will be other excuses. How many more years and months are you going to waste on trying to keep this sinking ship afloat?.

thank you attila for taking the time to write...you are right about the sinking ship...I am not living a happy life with this man and he either dosent want ir cant be bothered putting in the effort to make a change...its pointless ...I have got to have a hard reality check of what I need to do en if it scares the hell out of me...

I’m sorry to hear this OP.
Have you told your husband exactly how you feel? I just wondered if it might prompt him in some way to actually start communicating with you at least.
It is sad that he wouldn’t go to counselling. Could you give him an ultimatum and a timescale that if nothing changes you want to separate?

It seems like there is a lot of resentment in this relationship. You are blaming him for your IVF treatment because the issue was with him (not really a blame situation for me that, the issue could easily have been with you).

The issue with the children is also one that you are equally to blame for. Allowing your children access to your bed is a no no for me other than in extreme circumstances such as illness. This leads to the situation you have now.

It sounds like this is going to be very hard to come back from to be honest. You have to have a discussion and lay on the line how you feel and ask how he feels and be prepared for some answers you might not like.

His refusal to go to counselling is not a good sign though. It’s almost as though he is resigned to splitting up but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who suggests it.

Only you can define your own happiness and the life you want and if it doesn’t involve him anymore then it’s ok to admit that and do something about it. It looks like it will be you that has to instigate it though.

hindsight is a wonderful thing..the ifs...yes sharing a bed with your children is not the right answer..but maybe going through 12 years of multiple ivf treatments and miscarriages..shaped my attachment to the kids...I went through that journey pretty much on my own...no emotional support or understanding and actually paying for most of the treatments ..not a shared cost at all....when you are in something so deep it's hard to stop ...I have tried to talk to him multiple times about our marriage crisis but it's like he dosent want to hear or know. or gets pissed off if I bring it up ..there is always something else to focus on..work or farm work....which is a completely other story... you're right about me making the move...it would have to be me...its going to have to be me...this is never going to get sorted...if only one person is trying...

I would suggest counseling for yourself if he won't go to give you the time and space to process what you have been through.

I am getting the impression that you are holding a fair amount of blame about his infertility which you must know isn't fair as he had no more control over it than you did.

I had IVF following male infertility so I do get "it's not fair" concept but it isn't fair on the bloke either.

But it sounds as though your marriage problems go beyond that and it may be better for both of you if you separate and focus on co parenting.