Brother seems to be faking his relationship, should I talk to him?

[CellyAne]

My brother has recently had a child with someone he has known less than a year (I know...) he’s stepped up, she’s moved in. A very nice girl but we all know he is not in love with her. I can tell he is conflicted with being delighted with his son and trapped in a relationship that he didn’t intend to be in.

I’m fully aware he got himself in this situation and that he should totally and completely be doing right by her and his son. There’s no question there. As a much older sibling, I’ve always been almost a parent to him and I am worried for him. His partner has very much embraced life with him but has no family around and when we see them together it is clear they are not in love or a ‘happy couple.’ He has confided in my hubby that he didn’t want to let the relationship go otherwise he wouldn’t have everyday time with his son, as she will move away to be near family, but said he is worried about the long term with her.

I feel so sad for him and yes he totally got into this situation and I get that, but should I have a chat with him or stay out of it? I’m not one to meddle at all usually but it has been hard to watch from the outside knowing he is essentially faking this relationship with her.

Hes a big boy. Stay out of it

Oh bless him. He has certainly done the 'right thing' but he could have been supportive without them moving in together.

It's a difficult one but just wait and see how things pan out. Friendship can turn into love.

Yep that’s what I thought jess

Maybe it will turn into love

I just hate seeing him so unsettled and in a functional thing rather than a happy and natural relationship

How do you know they're not in love and just not very demonstrative?

Because of what he has told my hubby. And I know my brother well, he’s there for his son, he’s not in love with her. Maybe I’m being pessimistic and the love will grow

Maybe he wants to step up as a father and see how it goes with the mum? It’s good he has an active interest in his ds and wants to bond with him, but I hope he isn’t leading the dm on

He is from a home where dad disappeared so he has always been totally fixed on wanting to be there for a child. I really respect that. I’m just worried that the relationship won’t develop and as time passes he will feel more trapped. Given they weren’t in a relationship before it may have been sensible to start off from afar, but then of course he wouldn’t be in his son’s life each day.

I think I’m going to stay out of it, it’s just worried me that he’s confessed he is confused about her and what he really wants with her, aside from his son who he obviously is happy to be with every day.

Could you offer more practical assistance such as babysitting regularly so that they get a date night and time to themselves to get to know each other better perhaps? Tricky with covid bubbles but just an idea.

I am a big sister and it takes ALL my willpower not to give advice/ help when my little sister makes interesting decisions! But you MUST stay out of it, as painful as it is. The truth will always come out throughout the course of time and everything will sort itself out maybe soon, maybe in 20 years.
What people don’t need is meddling from the outside even if it’s well intentioned.

You have no idea if he's faking it to her. He (and she) may be perfectly open with each other about the nature of their current partnership and where it's going longterm. For all you know they have decided to support each other domestically through the broken nights, nappies, maternity leave and getting back to work stage and THEN decide how best to go forward. But that's nobody's business but their own.

The same thing happened to my brother when he was young. Got his GF pregnant with twins! They moved in with each-other shortly after they were born because he wanted to be a good man and stick by her and the children. Anyway, he tried with his GF but ultimately they weren’t really compatible on any level and after many arguments they split up when the children were 4. He was devastated because he loved the children and he knew he wouldn’t get to see them every day anymore but he wasn’t fussed about the relationship with their mother. He always paid his way and saw them every weekend. The point is, we knew and could see it but we never involved ourselves in their relationship. It came to a natural end and the children were still very much in his life. They’re adults now and know he’s always loved and supported them.

That’s the thing, he would always be there. I do need to stay out of it and you’re right I don’t know the details.

It’s just sad as as nice as she is, they are so different and they are not about to embark on a long term thing that is truly about love. I want to tell him it’s ok to parent separately because a lot of this is how he is worried about what it looks like. Also her moving back home would be 3 hour journey for him. Hardly close.

Please stay out of it, if she gets whiff that his been discussing his relationship with you and your husband, she’ll definitely up sticks.

Just think how men who go running to their mothers are referred to, blabbing to your older sister is just as bad. Trying to parent your brother is weird.

And is it really so bad ? Not ideal maybe but better than being a every other weekend dad

If it doesn't work out, he can think about parenting separately then. Why do you think your idea is better than his?

What would you say to him? Advise him not to live with her? Do you really want to take responsibility for whatever effects that has on their coparenting, or on their child?

Imagine if it was a slightly different scenario - they'd been together for 5 years and the love had faded, then they discovered she was pregnant so they stayed together in the hope that things would improve. A common enough scenario. Would you be telling him to split up then?

He hasn't known her long, so of course he doesn't know how it will pan out and has misgivings. Sounds very sensible, rather than a sign that this is doomed.