Sister in unhappy marriage

[Hotandknackered]

I love my sister and her children loads but I can't stand her husband. This is mainly because he's a terrible husband and father. She is due to return to work after mat leave soon and her husband has just become unemployed again. He is pretty crap with the kids leaving most things up to her and losing his temper quickly when they are unsettled. He has very poor emotional intelligence and has quite traditional gender views. I could go on, but the point is I can see she is very stressed and has a short fuse. She's not looking after herself and I want to help.

I look after/spend time with the older child who is 4 and we have a great relationship. So I know that helps. Our mum does lots too. I helped out in various practical ways early on after the second was born & the first actually. I will help with the baby when I'm at her house or family are together. Obviously lockdown did impact on this!

But I feel like helping with the kids is only going so far. I want to talk to her about her husband and how he's bringing nothing to the table and making her miserable. But feel she's ignored this for so long she maybe doesn't want to see it? I know everyone has different relationships and dynamics. But I just hate seeing him bring her down and making her unhappy. She's even said herself she doesn't see them being together long term.

Am I better just letting her take her own time? Or do I owe it to her to prompt her on this? I'd have to be quite blunt as I've been more tactful about it before and it doesn't seem to register. So worry it would damage our relationship to call out her husband.

Anyone?

I think she needs to come to the conclusion herself. You dont want to risk alienating yourself by being blunt about him if shes not open to receiving it. I think you just need to be there for her but shes a big girl and can really make her osn decisions in life 🤷‍♀️

I would not tell her if I were you. She probably knows deep down that he contributes very little and is not the best
Parent. However she made the choice to have children with him. She has a 4 year and a baby less than a year old. She will probably be questioning in her own mind whether to stick it out. But ultimately she is likely to want the family unit to stay together for their sake. Giving them a stable family unit in their very early years. Splitting up comes with lots of challenges and compromises regarding shared custody and step parents/blended families which can be just as frustrating and stressful. I think the best you can do is offer practical support. But try not to hold any judgement. She probably does enough questioning in her own mind about the type of father she has chosen for her children.

Thanks for the replies. I try to be as neutral as possible when talking to her about him. I'm probably judgemental of him for being crap (in my head /to my partner) but definitely not of her for having children with him. We all have errors in judgement or hope things will be better than they are. My nieces are wonderful so it's obviously not all terrible!

I agree she will be questioning herself. I suppose I'm just concerned she thinks she has to stick it out. I also know my mum is quite concerned for her so that's hard as it's causing her stress.