Is this sneaky behaviour re alcohol

[DevilsIvy]

I just wanted opinions on this as to me its odd. So ive brought my DHs drinking up numerous times to him and tbh ive had enough and currently in the midsts of finishing decorating the house to sell and part company (which hes aware of and doesnt accept).

Anyway, ive asked him, also numerous times not to drink in the house as literally bar one to two nights a week (mostly one) he is always got a beer in hand, then that leads to lack of patience with the kids, shouting etc and i might as well be a single parent. I have called him out on it (4-6 cans per night week nights/ 6 cans plus wine on weekends) but he minimises it “everyone drinks like this” “ive been work all day” then will sulk and ask things like “can i have a drink tonight” making me feel like a bore and also his parent ffs. Anyway, because ive counted cans and units before (in a bid to help him face up to things) he seems to sneak around the house to open another drink. He will literally try to quieten the opening of a can, will walk into another room or go outside to pour- im sure he thinks i dont see, almost so i cant see its a fresh drink. Is that odd. I have questioned him on it and he laughs and makes me feel stupid

OP,
So awful for you.
Tell everyone what's happening.
You can't be accused of blind siding him if everyone knows.

Perhaps use his desire for alcohol NOT to be on the paperwork as leverage.

If he doesn't cooperate it will be ALL over them.

Stay strong.
You sound great.

I do hope you aren't suggesting staying in the same house together as a separated couple for two years - that would be a bad idea. Your kids are already affected, they should not have to take more. I stayed with my alcoholic H for far too long and my DDs are still in therapy 2 years after his death. I know a divorce is an enormous upheaval (been there) but it's necessary.

Sorry Op but he won't believe you mean it until he's holding the divorce petition in his hand. Time and again on MN there's threads where the women have told their DP/DH's they want to seperate and they just ignore it, don't believe you'd leave over something they see as "trivial".

@billy1966 thanks! Yes i think im going to have to start to talk about it. Was kinda waiting for him eg with his parents but its clear hes not going to

@pointythings oh good god no! Was thinking more along the lines of get house sold and live separately whilst waiting for the two years to elapse 😅

@user1465335180 sadly i think youre right 🙁

That's a better plan, but unfortunately one that needs more of his co-operation, DevilsIvy. Even with a divorce petition ongoing there are a lot of spanners he can throw into the works and he doesn't sound like someone who is going to accept that it's over and just acquiesce. Bottom line is he doesn't think there's a problem.

He's alcohol dependent... next step he'll tell you you are controlling...

@pointythings ok im going to have to have another talk with him and make it as clear as possible. Then im going to start telling people. Then apply for a divorce. Im just about ready to put the house on the market (ive had to decorate as my LO had drawn on the walls upstairs and looked awful.

@Skyliner001 yeah probably and ive got a mental illness too no doubt.... must be mental to leave him etc etc 🙈

Sober alcoholic here. Yes, it's standard alcoholic behaviour. The glass that is never empty, you never see them open the next, it's one continuous drink to attempt to fool everyone about quantities. And that's just when he's obviously drinking...

@theemmadilemma yes that’s definitely what he does just so i cant count. Doesnt leave cans on the side anymore, they straight in the bin. Goes shop “for something for dinner” even when ive bought something, its like he makes an excuse to go supermarket. Then sneaks them into the house so (he thinks) i dont see them. Stops Beer bottles clinking together. He just makes me feel like im a psycho and being over the top questioning it

You absolutely aren't. Alcoholics are sneaky, deceptive bastards when in the grip. The drink comes first and all number of smoke and mirrors will be deployed to cover and enable it. You're doing the right thing for you.

I feel your pain my husband is also alcohol dependant. He never goes a day without drinking and during the lockdown its got worse as hes been off work since March.

My husband drinks two bottles of red wine a day plus a few cans of cider (he has them earlier on and then starts the wine at around 4pm) and sometimes more. I'm sick of it and hate the kids seeing him with a can or glass of wine all day every day. Just listening to him drink the wine knocks me sick.

I am planning on leaving soon just biding my time until kids are back at school due to me working and keeping my fingers crossed i can get childcare sorted so i dont have to rely on him as i fear it may turn nasty at some point.

I hope you get things sorted soon DevilsIvy

I think a tiny bit of me hoped the threat of losing his family might make my exp sort himself out but it didn't. He's living in a caravan now living off microwave meals and feeling sorry for himself.
He's also got a gambling problem so my life is much improved without him here.

The sooner you tell people you’re separating the better. If others know, there can be no denial from not so dh. He can’t claim ignorance if others are aware.

My ex-wife was drinking 70-90 units pw, and was in denial. The smell of booze, the bad behaviour and the flthy temper drove me nuts. Now she's gone, I'm happy.

I’ve been where you are op.

My ex drank 10-13 cans a night when we were together. He thought that just because it’s at night when he drinks, it’s not a problem and that the kids wouldn’t notice. But it affected how he was the next day and affected how he was in general. It made him lazy, aggressive, dull, affected his work so he lost more than one job because of the way he was acting, The kids saw all the empty cans in the kitchen the next morning while he snored away drunk in bed. If I “nagged” he’d become violent. He made us suffer financially too.

He still drinks excessive amounts now. He’s jobless and he’s living on his own full of self pity. I do feel SO much guilt for kicking him out, but I tried to help him for so long and there comes a point where you have to put yourself first and of course the children.

Hi OP. You’re not overreacting. I’m another on here who is divorcing an alcoholic husband who was also a secretive drinker - topping up, necking an extra between public drinks, hiding bottles, running “errands” and coming back pissed- it’s exhausting and well done for planning your exit.

I won’t tell you the divorce process has been easy so far but having him out of my day to day life and not teaching my children that this is normal is worth all the agro. My advice is not to worry about upsetting him, he’ll get upset no matter which way you do it. Crack on with the divorce papers and cite his alcoholism. He may not like it but I think there’s something important about being able to name the thing that caused so much damage in your marriage. More importantly, much better not to string it out for two years if you can help it!

Good luck!

If he's in denial about selling the house and the divorce, I wouldn't even talk to him about it again. Just press on with it. Ultimately he can't stop you but it just makes it a bit more awkward.
At the end of the day, if fear of losing you and his family life isn't enough to make him stop then nothing will.
If he genuinely doesn't have a drink problem then he would have no issues stopping/cutting back. Clearly he won't though.

I'm very sympathetic to DevilsIvy and all on here who are struggling or have struggled with an alcohol dependent partner. It's horrible. But I found doing the right thing for the childrens' sake to be cathartic. Seeing a parent routinely drinking to excess is bad for kids, and I reckon increases the chances of them having issues later in life. Apologies if stating the obvious.