im so devatsted, how to come to terms with this on my own?

[traleu]

I hope this is ok to post as its mumsnet not childless net!

I’m in a complete state after finding out I had a bout of PID earlier this year. I am constantly on edge about any twinge or pain because I think the infection is back. I’ve been told they can’t assess fertility but obviously PID can have huge impacts on this. I feel let down as I had been to the doctors with symptoms but wasn’t treated until I pushed for swabs to be done. They came back with BV so have had it for a long time.

Even in spite of the health problem, I am older now and feel totally exhausted by dating and trying to make a relationship work. Realistically I won’t be in a place to date for a while, maybe not even for a couple of years. I don’t have that time if I want a family but I can’t fake it on dates and pretend. I also worry about being upfront about the prospects of a family with a new man. All of these things make me realise I am more likely to find someone much later in life anyway, if that ever happens.

I just don’t know how to deal with it all. I am sad all the time. I talk about it in therapy but wondered if anyone else was out there who has been through similar? I am desperately sad and can’t see the light in my life anymore at all. Doesn’t help that it is baby central this year with most friends. I barely sleep, feel i have no purpose and that this was all my fault anyway for letting an infection happen.

Is anyone there to talk to...not feeling good today.

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time. Can I ask how old you are?

There are also men who want a family too, my friend just had to finish with someone as he wanted a family and she doesn't want anymore.

I will be 36 in October. I feel like I’ve lost fertility and also feel so broken about life that online dating is exhausting- I don’t want to date I just want to settle down, but obviously have to date to settle down! So I’m at a loss as I can’t face any of it anymore, I used to date loads and now I don’t see the point.

I’m just not sure how to navigate things now. I feel like I have no future that I wanted and feel scared as to what that looks like. Everywhere I turn I can’t escape the lonely feeling.

I hope I can give you 'hope' if nothing else.

I had severe pain when I was 23, went to A&E at 2am and was told it was indigestion - I had already booked an appointment with a local GP for the next day, where she asked 'Did they do an internal?' I said no, she had a look and said I had a really bad uterus infection. I had a LOT of antibiotics, which worked but in the interim, I had what was felt like a stitch.

Things still weren't right, went to hospital- was told it was very likely PID. The pain came back a few years later, same type of pain, went to GP / antibiotics again and I was told I couldn't ever have the combined pill again as my body didn't agree with it (made my uterus too 'wet?' so the mini pill was prescribed which I actually got in with better.... Went to hopsital again for another internal ultrasound and investigation and was told again, it was most likely PID.

When I was 34, I decided my partner and I should try for a baby - we had sex once and I became pregnant (I've written what happened after that on a few posts and don't think it's needed here).

I appreciate there are a lot of genetic factors and things to consider, but I believe (and so does the hospital) I've had 2 bouts of PID and it didn't seem to affect my fertility at all. I appreciate you may not be that 'lucky', however - PID doesn't always mean you can't have a child so please don't feel that you don't have a future, it's not black and white and at the moment I can appreciate it's frustrating as you 'don't know' a lot of things, but you may be absolutely fine even if you do have PID.

Thanks fluffy that is a comfort to read. I’m struggling with it all so much! I feel like I am not good enough now for anyone at all. Also feel like an idiot for letting myself get such an infection. I should have been more careful and I wasn’t. Was your pain quite bad? Mine was literally on one side near the hip. It was strange and it is still there now weeks later but I’m told there’s no infection.

I think you are the same poster? I just posted on your other thread

I really don’t know if MN is helping you as I am not sure you are getting the reassurance you need. Are you the poster who name changes and comes back every week to ask about this? Really you need to ask these questions of your medical team

My pain was horrific, but gradual in building up.

I was a bit of a gym freak when I was at Uni (I was at Uni until I was 24) so I used to go most mornings. I used to wake up at 3am with a massive sharp pain, it then went to a dull ache after 20-30 minutes and I used to say in my head it was 'something I ate'... and then I wouldn't just get it at night, but also when I went to the gym and it would get more and more frequent.

I managed to ignore it for about 3-4 months to begin with - However one morning I had had pain all night, still went to the gym, but my friend took one look at me and said 'You're WHITE' and I was, I was also shivering and in a lot of pain - hence why I phoned up for a GP appointment. However the pain got worse during the day, hence why at 2am in the morning I went to A&E as thought it was appendicitis as it was on one side (round where my ovary is).

Why is it your fault that you got PID? I had no idea why I got it as I wasn't even in a sexual relationship at the time. All STD tests came back clear (as they thought I could have picked something up).

I really don't think whether you do or don't have PID should have any bearing as to whether you're 'enough' for someone! If someone judges you for it, then they're not exactly a pleasant person and you probably are better off without them.

To add 'fun' to my condition.... I was classified as obese at 33-34 (and still am, but am doing well with weight loss!), didn't have a very healthy lifestyle and was diagnosed with endometriosis last year.

I'm only 38 now, so it wasn't a long time ago that we decided to try for a child, so what I'm still saying is..... There are so many dice rolls to having a child. You don't have to be the perfect age / weight / body - so whilst I do understand why you're upset and worried, I think you should try and cut yourself some slack. Worrying about your potential fertility when you can't do anything about it is not going to do your mental health or you any good. Is there anything positive you can focus your energy on in the interim, until you are able to get a fertility test?

menora I have only posted once before and yes I have come back. It is helpful to read people’s experiences but I know I also need to go back to the people who have dealt with this with me at the hospital/gp.

fluffy that is a good point and it is affecting my mental health. I think because I have always wanted a family and now it seems unlikely. I also fear I won’t know if it has come back so I am constantly looking for signs. The pain isn’t too horrendous but it has stayed even after I finished the antibiotics. I’ve been told it could be the cyst but I don’t know.

Thank you for responding.

I had PID and endometriosis. I collapsed one day in agony and ended up in hospital. One of my ovaries had a massive cyst on it and it had burst destroying my ovary, so my fertility was basically reduced by 50%.

They gave me antibiotics and put me on medication for a year to treat the endometriosis. I had one period after I finished the medication and was pregnant before the next one .

Try not to worry, I know what you are going through and how tough it is .

Thank you achilies I just feel so scared. I’m glad it worked out for you

Was the Endometriosis linked in PID? I’m just scared it is going to come back.