A man/men abused me in many ways while/after he was my Dom in BDSM.

[SoulofanAggron]

From journaling, I realized that the end of one of my 'relationships' a few years ago was verbal/emotional abuse. This is why the breakup was hard to get over, even though the relationship was only for a couple of months, and long distance. He called me an 'attention wh*re' (I wasn't being, and of course that's often misogynistic.) He also said I was 'socially inept.' This was something I'd told him which he was using as ammunition to wound. I'd said I find it difficult to keep friends (a couple of years later, at 41, I was diagnosed as having ADHD with autistic traits, which I had not really know at all.) He was phrase it as 'I'm a jealous guy, who thinks you are an attention whore' etc. Because he'd deliberately started the statement with something supposedly self-deprecating, it was difficult to challenge what he said.

There were a couple of other incidents where he to an extent he displayed that he didn't care about something I was going through during the relationship, or called me something I wasn't.

The relationship ended because I said there was a need I had and he said my asking to have my needs met because I wasn't just a sub, I'm a human with needs, and he said this showed a 'fundamental misunderstanding of our relationship- presumably because I had asked for something, whereas as a sub I was supposed to never ask for anything.

The other thing was he was beating me one time and I found it so painful and asked him to stop (I've heard that a woman feels pain differently as part of her cycle.) I used my safeword and he said 'I'm not going to let you get away with that' and carried on for a bit.

I'd also brought condoms with me and he refused to use them. Nowadays I think I would tell a guy that if he doesn't use them then he's not going to get any sex.

I'm going to try not to have any BDSM aspect to my 'relationships' from now on. I'm a people pleaser and with my latest ex I found it hard to say no to anything he wanted. The types of sex he wanted were degrading and humiliating, he used to give me orders to do degrading acts in the middle of sex. The sex fed in to the imbalance of power in the relationship and was part of it.

I am a sub but am not going to do that in future as I think it can exacerbate any imbalance of power.

Interested in your opinions/experiences. I suppose that as the first bloke ignored my safeword, that was not standard BDSM, where that wouldn't happen.

Interested in your experiences etc.

Abuse is abuse, OP, and I’m sorry you got together with such a jerk. I’m glad you’re out of it. BDSM done properly is absolutely not abusive, as with anything sexual negotiation, respect and careful contracting are vital. Ignoring safe words is bloody dangerous and highly abusive. He doesn’t sound so much a Dom as an asshole who has decided to legitimise degrading his partners. Only you can decide if you want to step back from kink for a while, or whether for you being a Sub is a natural choice or something you feel was coercive.

Sub-ism is natural to me but I think it's probably part of an unhealthy codependency I develop in relationships sometimes, probably due to issues with my father in my childhood. I'm not saying that's the case with other subs.

I think bloke #1 was misogynistic, and probably sadistic in a bad way. He said he had gone through a time where he felt bad about his dom/sadistic tendencies and wondered if they were bad.

Block #2 -well he was 'just' a misogynistic narc/psycho.

I meant to put 'manipulative psycho,' but he probably was misogynistic too. He was a rape apologist.

I think you should completely avoid BDSM/sub/probably any sort of relationships until you work on yourself, your self esteem. You should probably do the freedom programme too.

@Cloudfrost Yes, I can't do it as it just adds to feelings of having to do anything to please etc.

I'm doing the FP when it's on again in real life- I got about half way through before Corona. Will check if they're doing it online. I'm doing a related programme our FP facilitator is doing online. www.ownmylifecourse.org/ I find it a bit intense sometimes. Last week it was about sexual stuff and I had to sign out half an hour early. But I enjoy it.

As PP have said: this guy wasn't a dom. He knows nothing about true BDSM which can be amazing when done properly and respectfully.

My partner and I practise it sometimes and we were taught it as power over, power under. The sub is the person who truly holds the power and calls the shots. So if the sub doesn't like something, it stops. Immediately. That's what safe words are for. So no - this guy was not a dom, he was just an abuser.

But as PP have said: given what you are struggling with at the moment, it is probably best to avoid BDSM unless you are with someone who truly knows what they are doing. Unfortunately, BDSM easily lends itself to being misused by people with abusive tendencies. My partner and I literally took lessons from a professional.

OP, I think most women engaged in BDSM have childhood issues that they choose to resolve in an unhealthy way. Find yourself a truely good therapist, the kind that won't try to gaslight you. Or maybe try to find and contact other women who were once part of the BDSM community and then realised how abusive it is and left, they might help and support you, I know they exist.

@DonnaQuixote Ooh, it's a good idea that I might well find a forum for women who've left BDSM.

I have a therapist and she's pretty good. Last week she didn't quite get what I was saying, which was one of the worst things I remember with guy #2.

TW for TMI and sexual grossness:-

I have mentioned this one on the board in the past. We were completely clothed as I recall, and chatting in his living room.
I was trying to talk about something serious about my life or whatever. I ended a sentence on an upbeat note, he cut me off/didn't reply as someone would in a conversation.

I finished a sentence and he quickly said, 'That's good now s my c.' It was just so disrespectful how he did it when I had been talking as a friend. I like to think that if someone talked to me that way now while I was talking about something else, I'd go 'fuck off!'

Maybe it doesn't come across the way it was when I try to explain it. What depresses me/makes me feel violated is as usual I didn't say anything, I just did it. He had effectively turned me or I'd turn myself into an object that just did what he wanted. It honestly all makes me feel queasy at the violation of my ability to consent; it wasn't always there, as I didn't want to lose his friendship.

A similar one was in the bedroom he'd say 'l my a.' There was something wrong with him, I should've told him really as a GP probably should've looked at it. It was like he had a leak in between going to the loo. One time there was a big bit of poo sticking out. I wiped it away with some loo roll and did it. I think I'll puke now lol.

So even though that relationship wasn't explicitly BDSM, although he knew I was a sub and enjoyed a bit of that, there was a power imbalance and it was used. Imagine the connotations of that act. People are called someone who does that, as an insult. If it had been any other guy it mightn'tve had those connotations, it would just have been part of sex. But in that relationship it had connotations due to it being particularly disgusting, and with the power imbalance in the relationship because I didn't want to lose him and wanted to please him. So I was demeaned.

Forgive the typos, esp. in my OP. Have had workmen in, so it's been a long day.