Does this behaviour have a name?

[Gardenerboo]

Hello,
My DH has a long standing habit of doing something wrong and no matter how mild my reaction, it ends up being my fault.

An example would be, he dropped my work iPad (doesn’t belong to me), I was annoyed (mild reaction to the accident) and somehow it ended up being my fault.

Another more serious example was when I discovered (not through snooping) some inappropriate messages being sent from him to another woman, I had done something worse by reacting, than he had in the first place.

I hope that makes sense, I guess I wanted to read more about the type of behaviour but without a name for it, it’s hard to google!

Thank you

Sounds like deflection to me. I googled 'deflection behaviour relationship' and a few pages came up that look relevant for you.

Thanks! That makes sense, I’ll have a look.

Blame-shifting

Probably some gaslighting too. He sounds awful OP. He can pretty much get away with anything then by the sounds of it. Actually sexting another woman and still not to blame. You need to get shot of him.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/my-partner-blames-me-everything

Emotional abuse to be blunt.

‘Being an arsehole.’

LTB.

@anotherdisaster

Probably some gaslighting too. He sounds awful OP. He can pretty much get away with anything then by the sounds of it. Actually sexting another woman and still not to blame. You need to get shot of him.

This one hundred thousand per cent

It gets worse

Thank you everyone. I’m trying to be brave enough to leave. I think researching what I’m up against is probably my way of justifying why I’m leaving. Silly I know.

You don't need a reason to justify leaving. Simply 'I am not happy and this isn't working for me any more'. He sounds horrible. Don't waste any more precious time on this knob.

Fuckwittage.

Sexting other women and telling more lies when caught out, not taking responsibility for breaking things and lying about who's fault it is, lying that you should not react to these things and doing so makes him blameless.

Lying, sexting other women and being a nasty little shit. There's the justification.

You don't need to justify why you want to leave. Being unhappy is reason enough. To be honest, whatever your reason for leaving it sounds like it will be twisted by your husband and be 'your' fault anyway, and your reasons won't be 'good enough' in his eyes. Please don't feel guilty if you want to leave. You don't 'owe' him this marriage at the expense of your own happiness.

Thank you. Everything you’re all saying is exactly what I would say to a friend in my situation. It’s just different when you have to take your own advice.
I am reading and taking everything on board. Thank you.

Narcissistic, manipulative and toxic.

I think researching and reading is a great idea and the opposite of silly. Mumsnet is an absolute goldmine of very knowledgeable people too - check out some of the other relationships threads.

This is a man who wants to do exactly what he wants without considering that when he's in a relationship, he has to genuinely take someone else into account.

Flowers are easy; taking responsibility isn't. Weaselling it back on you is a good way to make sure you don't challenge him and a good way of not putting much work into a partnership.

I agree with @Vodkacranberryplease. Research will give you power to know what you are dealing with and give you the strength to do whatever you need to do. I researched the shit out of my relationship with a narcissist and it helped the scales fall from my eyes.

Just reading your responses is more help than you probably realise. Thank you.