Beginning to think I’m too sensitive for this relationship

[AirCloud]

I’ve been with DP for 2 years and at first he made me feel the centre of everything. Now the honeymoon period has gone, I’m left feeling really insecure about everything. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just too sensitive to be in a relationship.

How do I toughen myself a bit? The things I get sensitive over are probably trivial to everyone else. I hope I don’t get flamed for discussing them here... please go easy.

Here are examples of my feeling sensitive. He has a second home where he sometimes lived with his ex wife and every time I come across something belonging to her, I feel really sad and upset. Her prescriptions. Her old diary. Her forms for stuff. He is happy for me to chuck stuff but I just feel odd. He has had evidence of past “dates” he brought here, e.g. a book that a previous gf wrote. A business card. Some massage oil. Someone else’s sanitary stuff (he has generously donated the house for rental to a family, could be theirs). It makes me feel a bit like a spare part. I’m not that special at all... he’s brought other women here.

It’s like he’s tough and tough with emotions, but I am sensitive with mine.

I could give other examples, but it extends to FB and instagram. He uses his accounts for photography, so won’t put photos of us together - although tbf not that many of himself, either. He won’t put that he is in a relationship (although I can live with this, neither do I!). I was upset before because it looks like he’s on holiday by himself! He has tagged me into some shots, where he’s thanking me for being the driver, or he acknowledged my telling him about things.

Another thing I find upsetting is that has a female “admirer” who likes his every single photo. I mean every single one. Maybe she has a bot, but it’s a bit much. She’s a photographer/model/actress and I expect he messages her to say how wonderful she looks.

I am a mass of insecurity in this relationship. How do I overcome this? Is it indication of the relationship not working? I don’t want to leave him as otherwise, we get on well together. It’s also hard during the weeks when we are apart (we don’t live together).

Does anyone else get like me?

I think you might have a point, especially about not putting you on Facebook which sounds deliberate.

How old is he?

You sound like you’re driving yourself unnecessarily mad about the house, OP. It’s actually a nice thing that he’s had a life, experiences and relationships before - if he hadn’t then he wouldn’t be the person he is now. Try to find comfort in his calmness about it all. He’s relaxed and happy for you to clear odd possessions of hers so he isn’t cherishing them. He’s choosing to be with you and that says a lot. That said, I wouldn’t be happy about the social media coldness or being tagged as a photographer. I can understand why you’re unhappy about that - could you sit him down and explain why it unsettles you? Perhaps you could find a compromise that actually works for you (tagging you underneath in the blurb as his girlfriend but avoiding coupled up shots)? He could use the occasional photo of you without boring the world! My husband has a business page on Instagram that is full of his clients but he does put a photo of me/ us/ the family every so often doing something related to his work. I hope you manage to clear your head, best of luck

Why don't you comment on the pictures, say something like " this one was of my favourite locations with you"
Put heart eyes on there and say that this one of the many talents you love about him.
That way you're letting people know he's taken. It might make you feel a bit better too

🙄 that’s like a dog pissing on something to mark its territory. And it’s extremely juvenile and transparent.

Gosh - when you said there was an age gap I was thinking you were maybe 19. Although your updates sound quite measured /sensible I think many of the things you’ve mentioned were the kind of things that would have concerned me at that age, but not now (at 40).

He’s had a (long-ish) life before you. Women will have come before you and it’s really not something you should be concerned about unless he’s clearly still hung up on one (which I don’t get from your posts).

As for social media - I cannot for the life of me fathom why people want to share intimate details of their lives with strangers on the internet. I just view it as something daft teenagers do before they know better (sorry).

As for this girl he’s messaged - you’re thinking he’s sent messages about how gorgeous she is because you think she’s pretty. That’s your insecurities talking (unless she’s spectacularly bad at the work he’s saying is amazing).

I’d say you really need to work on your self esteem here. He clearly wants to be with you and is not hiding you. If you’re not careful, you’ll drive him away as he’ll feel unfairly mistrusted (unless there’s a drip feed coming).

I assumed you were 19, 20 as well & hadn’t been with someone before who had previous relationships. At your age you must have, so why is this one getting u der your skin?

Personally I’d be creeped out by someone in his 60’s (or so?) who had been single his whole adult life. What’s passed is past.

And Instagram (for other poster above) is not necessarily vacuous, it reflects the user. It could be 18 year olds posting photos of their bums in bikinis, it could be (endless) photos of fish someone has caught, it could be award winning photos. I’ve seen countless people carve out a photography career from starting on Instagram, learning, and gaining a following, then being paid to travel the world (or stay at home and do studio shoots). It’s vacuous if the poster is vacuous.

@Finewine1976

Morning. Why don't you comment on the pictures, say something like " this one was of my favourite locations with you" Put heart eyes on there and say that this one of the many talents you love about him. That way you're letting people know he's taken. It might make you feel a bit better too.

Bloody hell, may as well just wee on him!

Just wanted to update. It’s been a really productive few days. We talked it through, and he posted a pic of us together on FB doing normal holiday things He just didn’t want to feel pressured into posting and wanted to do it in his own time. As a PP pointed out, he is one of those people who uses Instagram for semi-professional photography, so less relevant there.

I showed him the stuff I had found belonging to his ex wife and he binned it

I know this might have all sounded immature, but it has been an important step for me in our relationship and in this house. He has a LOT of history and I now feel like I can coexist with that, rather than competing with it.

Thank you all for advice and perspective. It was v helpful to have this thread

@AirCloud

Thank you Ritascornershop

It does seem a bit odd the exwife has left so many things there. You are sure he is single?

Yes, I’m sure. As it was a sort of holiday home, I think the ex wife didn’t realise she wouldn’t be returning IYSWIM. Plus she left him, so I think she couldn’t be bothered to take things from drawers. He’s a bit chaotic and I can imagine it hasn’t occurred to him to go through some of the rooms. I’m being silly.

Yes, that is an excellent point about Instagram. I need to remember that these are often mindless “likes” and that photos pop up all the time, and not to obsess. I was upset when he told her she was amazing and asked for more, but I discussed this with him and he was very pragmatic! I also keep telling myself that the comments are there in the open - it’s just social media banter. I need to chill!

When he said she's amazing and asked for 'more' what was the phrasing / context? Her photos, her looks? More what? Could be construed in so many ways. Acknowledging you as the driver / camera holder after you expressed concerns comes off as slightly passive aggressive to me...

Hi, I thought about this a lot. He asked for more of the music she had written and played, and it was this that he called amazing or whatever it was. I’m sure it’s in context. He has taken on board all my comments and I feel confident that he has listened to me. Ditto the camera holder/driver comments. It’s good now.