26, friends, loneliness

[Newjh94]

So I’m 26, single, not a mum (hope this is ok.. feel like I often see good advice given here)

I have never had huge groups of friends and at the moment most of my friends are living either abroad or hours drives away. I moved back to my hometown 2 years ago as I was lonely in my new city and had no friends other than work mates who I didn’t see out of work. I thought I’d be less lonely but on reflection I’m not. I feel like I’ve swapped one time of lonely for another, being lonely because I’m literally not seeing anyone out of work, to being lonely because although I do see one or two friends occasionally, I feel that I’m the only person making effort to make plans, and despite knowing I’ve struggled with loneliness and depression, my best friend does not invite me when she goes out with her work friends who are a similar age/similar to me in general. Maybe it’s just me but if I had a friend I knew was unhappy with loneliness I’d invite them along to anything I could!

I feel like no one really that bothered about me and has time for me. It makes me think I’m better off moving away again and starting fresh - at least if I was alone then I’d know it was because I was new to the place and not feel like it was because I’m not good enough for my friends to want to see me.

I know people are busy and have their own lives - I’m not asking for hanging out daily or going on holidays, just some effort and something to let me know My friends want me around.

It also makes me reconsider whether these friendships are because we really love each other or because we have been friends for a long time, none of us have heaps of other friends from school, so we just stick together for the sake of it?

It makes me want to say f* it, I’ll just go it alone, I don’t need anyone anyway. I don’t want to be that bitter person because I’m sociable and I love having good close friendships. Just not sure how I can improve this situation

I wish I had some words of wisdom for but I don't. I posted my own thread on similar lines a few days ago. I have no friends, work colleagues who I can't see at the moment because of WFH and I'm desperately lonely. You are not alone in that sense.

Sorry to hear that.

I can understand your friend not inviting you along with her work mates though - it's often hard to mix different groups of people together.

But have you tried talking to her about how you're feeling, and asking her if you can join them?

TBH if you're the one that usually instigates things, perhaps people have just got used to that?

How about setting up a zoom chat with a few of them and just saying you'd like a chat because you're feeling a bit low - they may simply not realise you're feeling lonely and if they really are your friends I'm sure they'd want to talk to you/help you.

Loneliness is awful; and I really feel for you. I think lockdown has really made those living alone feel very lonely. I’ve been a click and call volunteer and so many people are requesting phone calls from complete strangers to have someone to chat to. So you are not alone in how you feel.

Once life has gone back to ‘normal’ I would suggest joining a team sport or a group thing and make an effort to join in with the socials. You don’t need loads of friends, I’ve got 4 close ones that I always see and talk too. My loneliest friend has about 45 friends, but none are actually that good a friend to her so sometimes less is more.

Have you told your friends how you feel? Could you arrange a meal out and invite them along?

Do you have any family you are close to?

@OverTheRainbow88

Loneliness is awful; and I really feel for you. I think lockdown has really made those living alone feel very lonely. I’ve been a click and call volunteer and so many people are requesting phone calls from complete strangers to have someone to chat to. So you are not alone in how you feel.

Once life has gone back to ‘normal’ I would suggest joining a team sport or a group thing and make an effort to join in with the socials. You don’t need loads of friends, I’ve got 4 close ones that I always see and talk too. My loneliest friend has about 45 friends, but none are actually that good a friend to her so sometimes less is more.

Have you told your friends how you feel? Could you arrange a meal out and invite them along?

Do you have any family you are close to?

I’ve actually started going to a group sport thing which is good but probably not somewhere I’ll make close close friends as they are lost a lot older. And I am usually quite happy just having a few close friends who I talk to regularly and hang out with a bit. The problem is now it feels like those close friends (at least the ones who are close physically - only 10 and 20 minute drives away) don’t seem bothered about seeing me even though they do know I’m lonely - I have told them

I get frustrated because I actually really like time alone and am happy doing things on my own - I’ve travelled for months alone, been for a weekend break alone, walk my dog alone etc and I am comfortable with this but when this is all I am doing and I have no choice about it, it loses its appeal and just makes me feel pathetic and sad.

I have kind of suggested it and she’s said yeah I don’t know why everyone doesn’t hang out.. but then they proceed to have a day out and she doesn’t ask me, even when I said in a light hearted way I’m jealous of the day out (before they went) as they were going to a real nice place for the day in the sun. So then I start feeling like there’s a reason she’s not inviting me - am I embarrassing? Not good enough? I don’t know

I just don’t know how you can know that your best friend is feeling this lonely and not make the effort to include them, it’s not a huge thing, it’s just be a little thing that would make such a difference to me and I feel like I would do it for them if the situation was reversed. Are they being thoughtless or am I just an especially thoughtful person (haha, I don’t actually believe that!)

Hi Op, there have been a good few threads like this over lockdown so you are not alone.

I am on my own with two late teenage DC's but would love to see friends. I have no family local either as moved away yrs ago. My newish local friends are important ( to me) because of this but they all have husbands, existing friends and family all nearby and they just don't get it at times.

I have gently expressed and reminded friends how alone i am here but it has made no difference. Lockdown restrictions lifted and relaxed ages ago, still not seen anyone socially, pretty much as what life was like before lockdown. Makes me feel like Nigella Nomates! I have had work though and that has been a godsend , my colleagues are good fun while there as well as my DC's so not totally alone.

I wonder OP if you may be best to make an additional circle of friends when things become more normal. Join a walking club or book club? Help out locally, volunteer that sort of thing. Use this time to scout out locally what is going on. It does hurt when friends don't respond when you reach out to them. We are told to reach out and say honestly how we are feeling, then when we do and nothing changes it does feel a bit grrr!! How much of it is them just not thinking or how much is deliberate it is hard to tell.
I have still to work that out.

Take your social life and circle into your own hands now and expand your circle so you are not so reliant on the same people who are not responding to you. I have decided, after this experience , to stop investing in the same group of people i already know and make new connections. Good luck sweets.

@KatherineofTarragon

Hi Op, there have been a good few threads like this over lockdown so you are not alone.

I am on my own with two late teenage DC's but would love to see friends. I have no family local either as moved away yrs ago. My newish local friends are important ( to me) because of this but they all have husbands, existing friends and family all nearby and they just don't get it at times.

I have gently expressed and reminded friends how alone i am here but it has made no difference. Lockdown restrictions lifted and relaxed ages ago, still not seen anyone socially, pretty much as what life was like before lockdown. Makes me feel like Nigella Nomates! I have had work though and that has been a godsend , my colleagues are good fun while there as well as my DC's so not totally alone.

I wonder OP if you may be best to make an additional circle of friends when things become more normal. Join a walking club or book club? Help out locally, volunteer that sort of thing. Use this time to scout out locally what is going on. It does hurt when friends don't respond when you reach out to them. We are told to reach out and say honestly how we are feeling, then when we do and nothing changes it does feel a bit grrr!! How much of it is them just not thinking or how much is deliberate it is hard to tell.
I have still to work that out.

Take your social life and circle into your own hands now and expand your circle so you are not so reliant on the same people who are not responding to you. I have decided, after this experience , to stop investing in the same group of people i already know and make new connections. Good luck sweets.

Thank you, I’m the same with work, although it’s just part time as I’m a mature student, its nice to be out and with people and doing something productive.

I actually was in such a good place during lockdown (aside from obviously feeling worried for people/economy). I was happy doing my own thing and keeping myself busy and I think because there was no FOMO as no one else was doing anything, I was ok. This is why I’m feeling like moving somewhere new, feeling lonely when you have friends down the road is almost worst than feeling lonely when you have no friends

There is an app called 'meet up'. I wonder if it would be worth exploring. My MIL was reaching about it so I checked it out and there are groups for everyone on there!

Op have you tried "meet-up" groups - search for these online, it's a great way to meet new people, including those with a hobby/interest in common. Obviously a lot of these groups are happening online at the moment. Volunteering is also a good way to meet people, as well as helping your local community.
Doesn't sound like there's anything 'wrong' with you at all -it's just circumstances.
I think your best friend didn't invite you because she didn't want you to feel like the odd one out since the rest of them are all know each other really well and bonded by work stuff/banter which you naturally are not in the loop in. I do the same myself, I tend not to mix groups of friends unless it's a big thing e.g. a birthday party.

Op, i feel the same. I was secretly loving how my friends were in lockdown and by default experiencing what is was to live my "best life". I kind of did enjoy lockdown as it was a great leveller.

Don't act hastily op re the moving. Wait for things to calm down and return to normal and invest in local pastimes, clubs and groups . You are clearly brave and a wanderer. Maybe that's why your friends feel
threatened ? Your independence.

I am wanderer OP. Moved away first when i was 24. The only one of my group to do so. You have so much time and opportunity ahead of you. Looking back, If you were me when i was 26 i would encourage you to stop worrying about flakey friends and start building your future and social networks. Enjoy yourself and use your freedoms to experience things and make new connections. You will meet many interesting people. I wonder if this issue with your friends has knocked your confidence?

I also wonder and suspect this issue is not yours to carry but your friends. They see you making choices and your freedoms , your bravery to move away and your willingness to move on and explore , as a kind of threat to them.

Are the friends who are leaving you out the same friends you left behind when you initially moved away? If so, they probably want to make an "example" of you for being so brave as to move away, now that you are back.

Make new friends OP and widen your social circle. Meet up is good and so is putting yourself out there where you are now. If still no joy then you can look at moving away again.

Maybe you have just outgrown your hometown and more exciting things await you elsewhere.

@KatherineofTarragon that is brilliant advice. Really well put.

Cheers @Name.

Thank you so much, everyone. Still feeling a little sad about the whole situation, it’s hard when you can see other people with many friends and lots of social gatherings, to compare yourself and wonder if it’s something about you that is the reason you don’t have that. I’m not super outgoing but I’m not shy and quiet either. I just want people to share life with and have fun and laugh.. I don’t feel like I’m asking for too much

You are not asking too much, but sometimes friends can be jealous. Perhaps if you have moved away and got on a bit more in life, and they have not. Join new stuff as much as you can in the current situation. You are still young and your whole life ahead of you - don't let a few sad gits affect your confidence.