Seriously we seem to live in a world where fault lies with the victim....why?

[Fightingback16]

Sorry for another question like this!

I’ve been reading other people’s threads who have other people making them defend there position as a victim.

For example, if you left yourself be abused then that is your problem. Also rape trials on the news where how the women are dressed is brought up....how does this effect the actual crime?

The thing I hate most about sexual assault is the bonkers logic.

1. This is a very serious allegation
2. It's so serious that, if true, it will destroy the life/prospects of the man who did it
3. Given the gravity of the situation, it would be utterly terrible if you were wrong in making the accusation
4. We're not going to pursue this case just in case you're wrong

Rapist walks off, having assimilated the important lesson that you can basically do what the fuck you want as long as it's a) very serious and b) only affects females.

What a fucking world.

And then the arguments about where taking personal responsibility for your safety and security crosses the line into victim blaming. I think this is much of the gist of it.

Moving away from rape for a minute, if someone leaves their keys in their car and a thief makes off with it, most people would say “what the hell were they thinking leaving the keys in the car...” Similarly if you leave the front door unlocked, or leave your laptop on the back seat of the car while you go into the shops.

And the problem with that is that on some levels, there is some truth to it. Not that the person is to blame, but that we as individuals can take actions to minimise the possibility of us being victims.

And on here if someone advises a poster to take precautions e.g. “it’s really not a good idea to just hale a cab on the street if you’re out,” then that person is accused of victim blaming when actually they’re just advising someone to be careful. Because the truth is we do need to be careful. In an ideal world there wouldn’t be opportunistic criminals, but there are, and so we need where possible to mitigate against that.

Its all about power, and power corrupts. We live in a world where the predominently abusive sex has hegemony over the predominently victim sex. So they set the game and the rules (law & societal expectations) and then they precide over it (court & precedent).

We've made inroads, wins along the way but we started way, way back. And unfortunately instead of recognising their power and privilege, many men just feel entitled to it and fight to maintain the status quo, or even set us back when it suits.

I get that. I was advised on here to look at why I was abused, what made me personally a possible victim. It turned out I was emotionally neglected by my mum. It has given me some control back as I can look at healing the parts of me that I sought him to fix. There are bad people out there. But every aspect of my journey so far is based on me taking responsibility. My husband has had to take no responsibility whatsoever. He will get access to the children, even though he is a monster, he will get the benefit of the doubt. He forced me to have sex when I don’t want to because the consequences was punishment. Who will listen to a women being forced to have sex with there husband.....no one. There isn’t any consequences.

Basically, if it's women's fault, then it's not men's.

Which is a handy interpretation for men.

Who are in charge in a patriarchy, so they push this line.

@heartache590

Look at Tedx and the feminist who spent a year with MRA. We have the run off still from the 90s attitudes, but it is compounded by the use of false allegations by a minority of women, without understanding the severity of the allegation, for strategic personal gain.

Nobody agrees that rape is right, but there are no repercussions on making a false allegation that causes a man to lose his job, his home, his children and in some cases their life without even being charged for the offence.

Women cant even be legally charged with rape, even if they drugged and forced themselves on a man. Work that one out!

MRAs you say. 🤔 Do we have one in the building just now per chance?

I was threatened with being sectioned by my husband. I wonder how many women this has happened to. Towards the end of my marriage I was loosing my mind but not of my own doing. Then I guess the kids will be left with the devoting husband!

Moving away from rape for a minute, if someone leaves their keys in their car and a thief makes off with it, most people would say “what the hell were they thinking leaving the keys in the car...” Similarly if you leave the front door unlocked, or leave your laptop on the back seat of the car while you go into the shops.

How about if you were just lawfully driving down road using your vagina car and some rapist thief hauled you out of the car and took off with it? Because that's the equivalent, not the piffle about leaving the keys, or the door unlocked, or a lap top on the back seat. Women are literally going about their legal business or living perfectly normally in their own homes and being violently and traumatizingly raped with zero criminal accountability for the rapist

IT'S A DISGRACE.

There is also a bit of the 'just world hypothesis' going on - the idea that bad things happen to bad/stupid/weak people, not randomly to good people.

If you can find a reason why the victim's own actions led to the bad outcome, you can tell yourself (falsely) that it won't happen to you because you wouldn't take those actions. This makes people feel psychologically safer.

It may partly explain why women engage in victim blaming in assault cases as well as internalised misogyny.

I think in things like ongoing domestic abuse, victim blaming also helps people avoid the uncomfortable thought that they perhaps could/should have helped the victim more. There is sadly a lot of head in the sand from some family and friends, which is them selfishly protecting themselves psychologically.

With rape and sexual assault cases, I also think that many men just line themselves up according to biology i.e. if they are more worried about being accused of rape than experiencing it, that issue is going to loom much larger to them. We've already had one leap on to the thread to demonstrate.

@Antibles is that why I was told to look at what could have made me a victim so that I could work on that and feel safer it wouldn’t happen again. Which I have taken on board but there really wasn’t anything wrong with me in the first place. I was just someone’s prey.

I think when we all accept that every human has the capability of sexual assault, abuse etc and takes ownership over not doing it, the better. It's not enough to just think you aren't capable and then assume as a consequence everything you do is ok.

I’m not capable of sexual assault or abuse. It’s doesn’t form part of my identity but it does form part of others. It’s too engrained in society. Take the virus, those who care and take care of others are amongst the lowest paid but suddenly everyone is outside clapping for them. Being kind doesn’t really get you anywhere until the shit hits the fan and it’s really shows how important it is in society. Society is set up for people who have no emotion and are able to climb up the ladder ruthlessly.

Society needs balance so therefore for people to be up others have to be down in contrast. People aren’t happy for the power to be distributed so we all together in the middle. Sustaining each other and the world, instead we destroy each other and the world. I don’t enjoy living in this world.

I am merely pointing out what @Fightingback16 has just said. I am not an MRA, I am in favour of a balanced approach.

I dont agree with the current status quo as it is in mens favour currently. The comments on what women wear etc is horrendous. Nobody asks to be a victim.

What i disagree with is a knee jerk reaction the other way.

I think sometimes bad things just happen to good people and I will have to get used to that. The only trouble is those people are somebody else but this time is just so happened to be me. For example my dad died of lung cancer two years ago and he didn’t smoke. I’ve asked myself why and the only answer I have for myself is just because that’s life. I think asking people to look at what could have made them a victim is a round a bout way of trying to put some control back to the victim. Perhaps if they had been different it wouldn’t have happened and if you be less of what you are it won’t happen again. But it only happened really because bad people exist. Being kind and compassion is not a fault, the fault lies with the other person.