Pregnancy scare feels like it could be the end of the road...

[Squish613]

Hi.

I’m currently going through a pregnancy scare. I legitimately think if it turns out to be nothing, it’s the end of the road for us. We’ve been together 6.5yrs and I’ve spent the bulk of that time ridiculously broody.

We both want kids, just not yet. Although if I am pregnant, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Ideally I want to lose 3st beforehand.

This whole situation has made me realise just how badly I want a baby. The thought of a negative pregnancy test makes me want to cry. The thought of having to lose weight beforehand makes me sad. It’ll take longer than I want to wait to lose the weight. I have endometriosis & lots of scar tissue so ideally I want to try ASAP.

I really don’t want to spent the rest of my life resenting someone if I can’t actually get pregnant, but then again, I don’t want to throw away 6.5yrs in case all is well.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

Take control of your life. Lose that three stone. If you lose 1lb a week for the next year (with a few weeks allowed in there for no loss) you’ll have done it - that’s a realistic target. Have a chat with him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that this time next year you want to really try for a baby and if he doesn’t want that’s you need to separate and move on. Be absolutely honest and ask him to be.

"We both want kids, just not yet."

@Honeyroar's advice is very good. Also remember - most men can comfortably father children well into their 40s and 50s, whereas women's fertility windows generally start to close at least a decade earlier if not more. You don't mention ages but assuming you're both early to mid-30s - his "not just yet" could allow him to wait another 15-20 years, more even. You don't have that luxury.

So as @Honeyroar says, embark on your weight loss programme and be very honest with your partner about what you want. Make clear to him that he has a lot more time in which to become a parent than you do so if you are to start a family together you need to work on your schedule not his.

Sadly, it is not uncommon for women to forego having children because their male partner wasn't on board only to have their male partner leave them after their fertility window has shut and start a family with a younger women. Make sure you don't fall into that trap.

I don't really understand why you're going to resent your partner? Is it because he's the "not yet" for dc and you're ready?

I would ask him for a timescale and if it's not one you can get on board with or you don't trust him to stick to it, then you need to split.

Are you planning on reducing your hours or otherwise taking a hit to your career prospects/earning power if you have dc? If so, you should really think about marriage or civil partnership, if you're not already.

Even if you are pregnant aim to keep your weight steady for at least a while. But if not you can always find an excuse to put it off. Until this or that. I'd say if your DP is ok with it just crack on.

Age is a factor. If youre early twenties wait. If mid thirties dont. How old are you.

If it turns out that you’re pregnant the. The weight loss journey can wait until after you’ve had the baby. If it turns out that you’re not then I think you need to have a serious discussion with your OH about it. Especially as you have fertility issues. As previous posters have pointed out if you’re in your 30’s you don’t have time to waste. If your OH wants children then he should realise that the opportunity for this to happen is closing.

I’m 29 with some unique health issues which in itself will make a pregnancy high risk. The shittest thing of it all is the fact that if I’d lost the weight I want to, we’d already be trying.

I don’t want to be in a position where it takes ages to lose weight, then ages to get pregnant then have my age going against me whilst actually pregnant.

I’ve hit the point where I’m not prepared for someone to take away the potential of being a mummy which is starting to feel more & more likely 😭

I’m just all round fed up.

Sorry for whinging.

You are just having a down day. Taking one year at 29 to get yourself lighter and healthier is not a big deal. You could easily do it. Focus on doing something positive rather than the negative (I know what it’s like to need to lose a lot of weight). You could’ve lost a stone in two months if you start now. Two by Xmas.. I said a year before because I was saying you could lose it slowly but surely in a year, but you could do it quicker.

Why do you need to delay trying for a baby until you've lost 3 stone?

Yes of course it makes your pregnancy higher risk, but not by much.

Are you both using the weight as an excuse?

I think you should start sensible eating now. Cut out all the usual fattening extras for a month or two. Then start trying. And keep up the momentum. Giving yourself a year is no good. It will be next week, next month then a year eill havd gone by.

Who is going to be ‘taking away the potential of being a mummy?’ You or your partner? Do you want to be with him?

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your partner. I’m 29, have endo too and a low AMH. My partner and I weren’t ready for kids but we had a fertility MOT just in case which gave us worrying results; we start IVF next month. My DP put his not ready worries aside and we’re going for it because it’s important.

Have a serious chat with your partner, start that diet and have some tests done so you have all the facts. Then you can make a decision.

I understand how you feel. It will be okay.

I’ve hit the point where I’m not prepared for someone to take away the potential of being a mummy which is starting to feel more & more likely

Who is someone? Is your partner refusing to TTC if you don't lose the weight?

If you mean your partner then you've got a big problem. If you think it's just a case when any excuse will do then that's difficult. He needs to be more upfront IMHO. That is stop stalling and making excuses. It's not too uncommon a problem on here and it does crop up. But everyones circumstances are different.

When are you going to take a test? No point stressing when early tests can tell you several days before your period is due.

It’s sensible to be a healthy weight before ttc if you can. You’re only 29, I’d prioritise losing weight, even if you don’t shift all of it.

It’s not clear if he’s stalling because you haven’t lost weight, is that what he’s saying? If so do you believe him or suspect he’s got other reservations?