Really worried about friend

[totallymortified]

I'm going to try and present this as much as fact as possible in case I'm being over protective. I know there is nothing I can do without ruining our friendship and I could be completely wrong. What do you think?

My friend started seeing a man in early May during lockdown (broke lockdown rules all over the place) He has a conviction for fraud and she thinks he probably has ADHD. From what I've seen of him, she's right (I work in this field, it's not just a random guess!)
She was told by various locals who know him that he has been controlling and manipulative in the past, he admits to this but says he's changed. She's also been told that he feels that the rules don't apply to him - also appears to be true from what I've seen.
This relationship is moving so fast. She has 2 children, he has 4. Kids were told about him less than 2 weeks ago, they met him the next day and then he started sleeping over 3 days later. He's been there every night for the last 7. They've made plans to change the rooms around to fit his kids in and bought loads of new furniture, one of her kids is going to have to share. She insists he's not moving in until December but he's currently living with his mum and he and his kids are staying for the week that her kids are away with their dad. I cant see him moving out again after. They've booked holidays for next year and while she is agreeing to everything, it is very much driven by him.
She likes time to relax but he has completely filled her time with activities to the point that she is so tired she feels ill. She also has no time for any friends or family. I know its completely normal to isolate yourself at the start of a new relationship and just enjoy each other and so I don't want to over react or read it wrong but they seem to be moving so fast. She agrees it's moving fast from the outside but says it just feels right. He will literally do anything for her and is buying her gifts, making her lunch, bringing her Starbucks while she's working etc. Maybe he is just really over the top lovely.
I know there is nothing I can do and maybe there is nothing wrong at all but there are times at the moment I just want to shake her and tell her to slow down!

She’s moving at 100mph, that’s well speeding. While wearing rosy tinted glasses.

Sounds like he’s lovebombing her with a view to moving in so he can escape from his mother’s house.

ie using her. She’s fallen for it. There will shortly be cries of “ but he really DOES love me, he does...” during any convo you try to have with her.

Only a matter of time before he starts manipulating her like he has done others before. While buying her flowers etc to prove He’s Changed.

I hope she can be strong and do what’s best for her children. Although the fact she’s rushed into a relationship with perhaps the first random guy that’s shown her any interest makes me doubt that.

You can’t win in this one OP. You say anything and you’ll be the big bad wolf. You don’t say anything and watch her change after the first few rosy tinted months into a shadow of her former self.

Or perhaps I’m wrong and he really Has Changed and really Does Love Her.

His background and history alone are creating huge red flags for you and quite rightly so. In addition to this, the abnormally rapid rate at which this relationship is moving is a worry and has already impacted on at least one of her children. He also seems to be 'love-bombing' her and on top of that, she doesn't have any time on her own to even reflect on this relationship.

If you speak to her, you are better off dealing in facts:

1. The swiftness of the moving in
2. The impact on her child
3. Her health

Ask her to read up in love-bombing and tell her you care about her and her children and that you will be there for them all if they need you.

I know I just have to sit back and wait for it to unfold no matter how hard. If I have ever hinted that things might be moving too fast or that she needs to know things like how much he's earning if they're moving in together, I end up being shouted at that she just wants to be happy and we're standing in her way. Its just so sad to see a wonderful person be so taken in by someone else. I've been hoping and hoping that I might be wrong about him but every time I think it, something new happens or gets moved into her house.
I know she's going to need her friends at some point but its getting harder and harder to be around her.

Suggesting that she does a Clare's Law application to find out the extent of any past violence/ controlling behaviour against past partners would be a very good idea.

Otherwise I'd be backing off and leaving her to the fall-out of her choices. You sound like a good friend, you've raised your concerns but there is only so much you can do.

@Aknifewith16blades You are right. It's just so hard watching your best friend of 10 years be swept up in something you know she'd normally be horrified with. Turns out at the weekend she doesn't have her kids but she's looking after 3 of his and one of his friend's children that she's never met, while he is playing football, he didn't ask her before he agreed the the extra child. It would be different if they'd been together a while, but it's only been 3 and a half months.
Does it seem too fast and a bit odd or am I being over protective?

It's ridiculously fast and your friend is being stupidly irresponsible and putting this man before her own children. Ffs I can't believe how often this happens. Clare's Law check and then all you can do is sit back, knowing she'll likely come back to you when it goes tits up. And can only hope the collateral damage to the kids is minimal.

Oh Christ. Everything about this is deeply worrying and, as a mother, your friend is behaving very irresponsibly. She must have been feeling very lonely and desperate to fall for his love-bombing and this BS. @SummerWhisper has very good suggestions re. how to talk to her and as @Aknifewith16blades suggests you might encourage her to do a Clare's Law application. He hasn't changed - if he had: he wouldn't be rushing the relationship the way he is; nor would he be asking her to look after his own 4 children (when he is supposed to be with them) plus additional random children who happen to be around. It shows how exploitative he is. And none of that is how a responsible parent behaves - after all, that is supposed to be his time with his 4 DCs and he palms them over on someone else and buggers off. He sounds like a right piece of work.

In the end, all you can do is let your friend know that you'll always be there for her. She's going to need you. That's a certainty.

Are there big age gaps between the kids too? Teenagers as well as little ones?

The eldest is 16 the youngest is 7. The younger 4 are all very close in age.

Moving teens in with primary school kids makes this even more irresponsible a move from your friend. Bloody hell, what is wrong with some parents that they can even consider moving a relationship along at this speed.

Unfortunately all you can do is stand by and hope for the best and be there when it all falls apart

This doesnt sound a good decision on her part. All you can do is be there when it goes bad - she’s lucky to have a good friend like you!

@Lozzerbmc Thank you, that means a lot because I feel like a terrible friend right now for doubting her choices.

You can talk to her as a friend but try to not to sound so judging about it.
It's her business and she will do what she's doing whether you approve or not so just be her friend and be there for her when she's going through crap.