Assault?

[daynamechange]

I need help figuring out what happened last night and whether I'm in the wrong - he's in the wrong - or were both as bad as each other.

Together 12 years, married 7. Two toddlers.

Last night toddler 1 was being a right PITA. Refusing to stay in bed. Shouting and screaming to come downstairs. General 2 year old behaviour.

DH can not cope with it. I know it's really frustrating. I've lost my temper a few times - but he loses his temper immediately. My loss of temper will be yelling "get back in bed!" - his involved storming upstairs to shout at her and put her in bed. I mean REALLY shout. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing dad - but a fair weather dad. He's brilliant when the kids are bahaving, but can't cope when they're not.

After going up last night he storms back down face like thunder. I ask him to turn the tv off as it's noisey enough listening to her yelling without a war film playing that neither of us are even watching. He goes off on one. Totally mental. Calls me a bitch. At this point I'm sat with my feet on the sofa against his legs. I shout "don't call me a bitch" and push a foot in to his leg. Not a kick. A push - still shouldn't have done it. He responds by pulling his arm back and clench fist punches me to foot.

I know the entire event has crossed the line and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I'm to blame for pushing me foot. Either way - it's pretty toxic isn't it?

If I was reading this I'd say LTB but it's really not easy in real life is it?!

A line has been crossed.

It's unlikely to be the first and last time.

It must be scary for your little girl to have her dad behave like that towards her. She's only a toddler fgs. Don't downplay this.

He lost control with both your daughter and then you.

You may not want to leave (which I think should happen) but he needs to leave temporarily whilst he gets anger management as a minimum. Your daughter is 2, she must have been terrified. Then he got physical and closed fist punched you. Not somebody I would want around me or my child.

I was the one who got physical first though aren't I? I know it wasn't in a comparable way

Violence is now on the table in the home.

The way he treats your toddler is not right and damaging.

Is this the type of household you want to bring your dc up in?

Sounds like a very toxic environment. His anger is clearly a huge issue and I feel very sorry for your DD. Are you scared of him? The fact that either of you were willing to get physical with one another is concerning.

You either both need to seek external support immediately and engage with it fully, or you need to split.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

There will be a next time. My guess is that he has been ramping up the power and control here in your house against you people over time too.

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence and I doubt very much he would have at all acted like this in front of or to anyone else in the outside world. He would not have called his neighbours, work colleagues or boss a bitch would he?. No so he does not have an anger management issue. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Look at his parents too here, which one of them acts like he does?.

You are not in any way responsible for his actions here nor supposedly drove him to it. He acted of his own free will here and you and he need to be apart now.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model to teach them is it?. You would not want your children as adults to be in such a relationship either.

Womens Aid and or your local domestic violence support group here would be worth contacting as is the Rights of Women organisation.

Stop blaming yourself. Nudging him with your foot was like squeezing his arm or tapping his shoulder. You did not anticipate his reaction.

He was angry and out of control with your two year old. He hit you.

You need to leave before he is violent with the kids.

Did he punch your foot?

Yes @CharlieSocial

Thank you everyone. I can hear he's woken up. Urgh. I can look forward to a shit day of his minimising. I have taken on board everything. I need to think

He’s not a great dad, he really isn’t. He’s an abusivo twat who needs to leave asap

He’s not a great dad if he loses his temper and becomes aggressive when things don’t go his way, it’s easy to be pleasant and nice when people do what you want. He’s also not a good partner if he thinks an acceptable response to you asking him to turn a film off you’re not watching is to verbally abuse you and punch you. I’m assuming these kinds of things have happened before as you have already anticipated that he will spend today minimising what he’s done. You need to leave him as you and your daughter are clearly not safe with someone who can’t control their anger and inflicts physical violence and verbal abuse on you.

OP, come on. You know that you can't stay together. This is going to escalate and I have no doubt, you've tolerated his temper for years. He hasn't suddenly punched you, abusers never do. Their behaviour doesn't happen in a vacuum.

The whole house sounds stressful

Your shouting
He's shouting
Your child won't go to bed
Your probably sleep deprived
Stressed out
No time etc

No he shouldn't have punched your foot, but I think you both need to sit down and discuss better ways of tackling your child's reluctance to go to bed.

Come up with a solution which doesn't involve shouting and aggression

And please don't call him an 'amazing dad'

No he's not.

A push is not comparable to a punch but you do both need to be calmer with your children (they can't sleep at present; it's too hot)