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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex husband making it hard

36 replies

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 08/08/2020 21:17

My ex, who I still see a lot as we share this house and children is making life hard for me.

I’m ready to go out and meet new people and do new amazing things. But he gets very jealous. Crying. When I ask him if I can go for an evening walk he get all sulky and cries because he thinks I’m meeting someone. So I just don’t bother. He creates it so that I feel that bad about going I just don’t. I wanted to go shopping today. On my own. And he kept saying that because I had new underwear on, a blouse and make up that I was meeting someone else.

Honestly I despair.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 09/08/2020 14:22

Why is staying in the house more important to you than getting out of this cycle of abuse?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/08/2020 14:49

This is all kinds of fucked up. Change the locks - never fucking mind what the police say - say you lost your keys and had to change the locks for security. It'll take him 6 months and £2k in legal fees to get a judge to tell you to hand over the new key so i'd start with that.

I don't believe he went through your drawer and by going through your underwear drawer he knew that you were wearing new underwear that day, sorry. Where were you when he was going through your drawer?

You need to step up and take some responsibility for the situation.

backseatcookers · 09/08/2020 15:41

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

This is all kinds of fucked up. Change the locks - never fucking mind what the police say - say you lost your keys and had to change the locks for security. It'll take him 6 months and £2k in legal fees to get a judge to tell you to hand over the new key so i'd start with that.

I don't believe he went through your drawer and by going through your underwear drawer he knew that you were wearing new underwear that day, sorry. Where were you when he was going through your drawer?

You need to step up and take some responsibility for the situation.

I took it to mean he went through her drawer and saw new underwear, rather than he said she was wearing it one specific day. Like it was one thing in a list of things he was using as ammunition to say she must be out meeting men. I could be wrong obviously but just a different way of reading it. I agree though OP needs to push harder to get him out of the house, at least putting a lock on the bedroom door as there can be absolutely no good reason for him to need access in there and if nothing else it will stop showing him he has all the power.
Original poster
damnthisvirusandmarriage · 09/08/2020 19:04

He doesn’t live here anymore but comes to see the children.

I didn’t even wear the new stuff and he discovered them in my drawer.

Turns out he’s in contact with other women. Maybe that’s where his paranoia has stemmed from 😔

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 09/08/2020 19:17

@damnthisvirusandmarriage

He doesn’t live here anymore but comes to see the children.

I didn’t even wear the new stuff and he discovered them in my drawer.

Turns out he’s in contact with other women. Maybe that’s where his paranoia has stemmed from 😔

Will you make it a priority this week to get a lock on your bedroom door and also ask the police for advice on other steps you can take considering the fact he is going through your underwear drawer? You need to start setting boundaries now - I would say you need to get him absolutely out of your house totally but I know that feels too big for you right now. You need to start the process though.
Original poster
damnthisvirusandmarriage · 09/08/2020 19:20

Yes a lock is a good idea. I’ll look into it. We have already had the other locks changed x

OP posts:
LillianBland · 09/08/2020 19:24

My only concern would be that he could let on that he just happened to turn up and discover that you’ve left the children unsupervised. I’ve seen some really manipulative behaviour when people have split up.

category12 · 09/08/2020 19:24

He needs to take the children out, not see them in your home. That's what people do in normal break-ups (I know yours isn't, and there's abuse, but the norm for access, is not the ex sitting in the resident parent's home).

You need to push forward with legal action to stop him getting up to this shit.

I hope you're not too upset that he's seeing other women - it could be a really good thing if he gets involved enough with someone else to give you a bit of space. But I realise it's probably a bitter pill.

backseatcookers · 09/08/2020 19:25

@category12

He needs to take the children out, not see them in your home. That's what people do in normal break-ups (I know yours isn't, and there's abuse, but the norm for access, is not the ex sitting in the resident parent's home).

You need to push forward with legal action to stop him getting up to this shit.

I hope you're not too upset that he's seeing other women - it could be a really good thing if he gets involved enough with someone else to give you a bit of space. But I realise it's probably a bitter pill.

All of this too.
roundandsideways · 09/08/2020 21:12

I wouldn't have him in the house helping with the children, he's obviously just trying to make sure you're not seeing anyone new. Don't let him, or ask him, stop that now, it's the on,y way. He's not sad, or unable to cope, he's emotional,y blackmailing you.
My ex has done all that, and threatened suicide

roundandsideways · 10/08/2020 02:17

Did the police tell you he can come to the house whenever he chooses, or did your ex inform you that the police told him this. It doesn't sound right to me at aall

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