Would you if you could.....

[CountryBumpkin12]

Pay for everything. I will try and keep it brief. I met my boyfriend about a year ago, he was self employed although work was drying up.

He is autistic and I feel that is important to this.

I am lucky I get paid well for my job, I have grafted to get where I am and I am proud of what I have achieved. We moved in together shortly after COVID-19. I knew his work would get less and less. It is now zero and no savings.

I can afford to pay for us both and keep a roof over our heads, holidays and a car running (we share mine now). He is sporadically applying for jobs but being very picky, he also says he would struggle with anything too sociable and this would get him down. I've said I will support him to start a business so he could work alone but this is yet to materialise.

He largely pulls his weight in the house but does have the odd grumble.

So question, would you continue to support indefinitely ( I don't see the work situation changing soon due to lack of jobs).

If yes, how would you balance things and make resentment not creep in (that is starting). I love him and we get on but to me work ethic is very important, I don't care of he earns 20k and contributes very little as long as he gets up and does something.

Am i being unreasonable.

I personally wouldn't. If he was making a real effort to find work then maybe but he sounds like he's taking the mick now.

The resentment will only get worse .

No I wouldn’t. I had an ex who worked part time in a shop, made little effort to get another job and I paid for everything. You know how I ended up feeling? Resentful. We split up.

No I wouldnt. If hes going to live with you then he needs to contribute. Youre not his mum. Why on earth are you offering so much to him?
He doesnt have the luxury of being picky if hes out of work.

Is this a serious question?!

You’re basically his parent in this scenario!

So he is sitting on his arse, in your house all day whilst you work, grumbling about having to help with housework?

Are there kids?

@Dollyrocket

Is this a serious question?!

You’re basically his parent in this scenario!

So he is sitting on his arse, in your house all day whilst you work, grumbling about having to help with housework?

Are there kids?

hmmmm you're making me think for sure. No, no kids and not on the agenda.

Its actually hard finding someone who doesn't want kids, maybe that has been part of my issue.

I have become worried about the parent/child dynamic.

@Branleuse

No I wouldnt. If hes going to live with you then he needs to contribute. Youre not his mum. Why on earth are you offering so much to him? He doesnt have the luxury of being picky if hes out of work.

Did he get off his arse after that?

If you don't want children then you certainly don't want a manchild.

I'm always very wary when utterly unmotivated people become self-employed. It's difficult enough for a really hard worker to succeed on their own. Someone who can't be arsed to get up in the morning will never ever be able to run their own business. I wouldn't encourage him to do that at all. I would encourage him to leave, though.

No it won’t work out.

He needs to move back or and you go back to dating.

Why are you wanting to pay for a person to live with you? And he grumbles at pulling his weight around the house.

What’s the point of being in a relationship where you do all the giving and he takes.

Surely if you’re out of a job, you accept whatever comes your way and use it as a stepping stone to keep looking for your ideal job? Or in this scenario why isn’t he spending his time setting up this mystical ideal WFH own business?

From experience self employment needs more motivation to make it work and a really good work ethic. I think this is one of those things that would get you down eventually and if he sees it as you are all getting by he may be happy with just that whereas in time it will pee you off

I think that you need to give it a while. This site is so black and white sometimes. If this were a woman saying 'my DP is paying everything and starting to resent it - he would be torn a new one for 'not supporting' you in a difficult economic situation...

That said.. you mentioned at the start he is autistic. As you know - Autism isn't something you can opt in or out of and the spectrum is so broad.

My DSS is Autistic.. special school.. official diagnosis, taxi to school for 9 years.. Yet he can do loads of things .. if he tries... and is motivated. Eg he learned to drive ! ... but job hunting to some help and motivation and importantly direction. Yes there is a fine line between support and 'mothering'..

Personally - if everything else is good. and it won't put you in dire financial straights I would have a serious talk about all the above and see how you can support .. but within a timeline..

The one big thing I have learned living with Autism is you CAN be a lazy entitled arse AND be autistic. They are not mutually exclusive. Nor is it a 'get out of jail (or work) free card. ! Working out that fine line is the key.

Set yourself a timeline . Not a line in the sand per se .. but a realistic review date.. say 6 weeks .. for changes to appear.

I’m not going to agree with many of the pps. I would worry for women in the same situation being thrown out if they couldn’t get a job in the worse economic contraction ever. I do agree he should look for something even if it isn’t perfect, and make sure he is claiming what he can.

But we are are 4 months into this. He is looking for things. IME men tend to be picky about work when unemployed. Since they end up earning more than women, maybe they have the right mindset. A lot of women get supported on here with those type of choices. I am bemused at vilification.

OP what was your intended commitment to each other when you decided on moving In together. Because if it wasn’t to be a couple then a conversation is needed about what your relationship is together. Not on MN with strangers.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

I think that you need to give it a while. This site is so black and white sometimes. If this were a woman saying 'my DP is paying everything and starting to resent it - he would be torn a new one for 'not supporting' you in a difficult economic situation...

That said.. you mentioned at the start he is autistic. As you know - Autism isn't something you can opt in or out of and the spectrum is so broad.

My DSS is Autistic.. special school.. official diagnosis, taxi to school for 9 years.. Yet he can do loads of things .. if he tries... and is motivated. Eg he learned to drive ! ... but job hunting to some help and motivation and importantly direction. Yes there is a fine line between support and 'mothering'..

Personally - if everything else is good. and it won't put you in dire financial straights I would have a serious talk about all the above and see how you can support .. but within a timeline..

The one big thing I have learned living with Autism is you CAN be a lazy entitled arse AND be autistic. They are not mutually exclusive. Nor is it a 'get out of jail (or work) free card. ! Working out that fine line is the key.

Set yourself a timeline . Not a line in the sand per se .. but a realistic review date.. say 6 weeks .. for changes to appear.

Sorry I don't know how to only quote certain paragraphs.... but your Autism AND lazy arse sentence sat with me. I am not going to lie, the Autism has become much more apparent since we move in. I think there is an 'element' of lazy arse creeping in but overall its feeling overwhelmed. I work in a very 'buzzy' field with lots of socialising and he grounds me in many ways, I am chaotic, he is organised, there are many qualities he has.

The thing that's been mentioned is communication. What is hard is when I say cant you see this from my point of view' he says 'no, dont be stupid I am not you'. Which I get on a logical sense but its infuriating at the same time. He likes rules and when I asked him to pull his weight a bit more, if I am ever pissed off now, he says 'I don't get why you are angry you asked me to empty the dishwasher more often and I do it everyday'

Its not black and white. He isn't a bad guy or a cocklodger (I hope) but it is very hard at times.

@LemonTT

I’m not going to agree with many of the pps. I would worry for women in the same situation being thrown out if they couldn’t get a job in the worse economic contraction ever. I do agree he should look for something even if it isn’t perfect, and make sure he is claiming what he can.

But we are are 4 months into this. He is looking for things. IME men tend to be picky about work when unemployed. Since they end up earning more than women, maybe they have the right mindset. A lot of women get supported on here with those type of choices. I am bemused at vilification.

OP what was your intended commitment to each other when you decided on moving In together. Because if it wasn’t to be a couple then a conversation is needed about what your relationship is together. Not on MN with strangers.

Thanks Lemon, I agree, although it has become a little bit like guess work. I totally accept supporting him through difficult times and I am in no way thinking of this from a wanting to be 'looked after' perspective. I can do that myself, I am happy to be the high earner through out the relationship, but I do want to feel like he is trying I guess?

I appreciate a different perspective though

Seriously if a woman came on here saying.

I’ve been seeing my DP for a year. I’ve moved in with him. And recently I lost my job. I’m sort of job hunting, but I don’t like what’s available so far and I have told DP I’d like to start my own business as I’m autistic and prefer working on my own. DP is happy to finance my venture but I haven’t really started on it, it’s something I’d like to do maybe.

I’m also really upset as DP expects me to pitch in with household chores and it’s not my house.

We don’t have any kids & it’s not on the cards. DP pays for everything but is now saying I need to start working and either accept a job that’s not exactly what I want or start the business idea I’ve been kicking around. He says he is feeling resentful paying for everything.

Any woman who came on here saying this would get a complete and utter pasting.

What would OP’s DP do if he didn’t have OP paying for everything?

OP, none of us know him or his CV or his work market. I have no idea if he is trying. But you will know these things and he will know these things. This is a discussion for you and him. It would help any discussion if you framed what you mean by trying and what you think is the contribution he should be making to the home.

My ex-boyfriend gave up a full-time PAYE roll when he met me, despite mountains of debt (he didn't tell me about that at the time). He started his own business, with quite a bit of support from me. I got him some customers, contributed to his work vehicle (on the understanding I could borrow it sometimes, and would get a refund if it was sold) and supplied him with some equipment and materials to get started. He refused 'low value' jobs (when he was in debt and needed the money), borrowed off his parents and claimed to need to work alone due to aspergers-like traits. Constantly moaning about money, and trying to guilt me into paying for stuff (nights out, holidays and eventually a family house). I refused as my head is bolted on right. After a year of self employment, he wasn't making progress or planning ahead for contracts. He thought he was going to sponge off me. He stole some tools from me when I was in hospital having a tumour removed (took my keys from my bag). When confronted, he claimed I was too 'ill' and heavily medicated to recall that I never bought stolen items in first place...and when challenged he admitted taking them (claiming his autism caused him not to know that was wrong). I dumped him there and then. He went on to sell the work vehicle I gave him money for and kept the cash, and never returned any of the items he borrowed for his venture...bottom line, you can lead a horse to water but if they don't want to drink...I later found out that he had swindled a few high-paying clients I put his way, and invoiced various people for work not really completed.

I have been self employed for 10 years. Very, very hard work and long hours required, and a high level of social/ personal skills for networking, dealing with customers and colleagues etc. Never met any self employed person in any industry who isn't dedicated and determined. Please be very, very careful with this man. You cannot find yourself in a position of sponsoring a vanity project (which self employment is when there is no profit). If you fell into financial hardship, you would find him unable to step up and look after you.

No op I wouldn't be happy with your situation. A relationship is all about partnership. Sometimes one of you is disadvantaged, such as job losses, but in that case they should be looking for something to help bring in money, whilst looking for a job they 'want'. My dh took redundancy from a director level job that paid extremely well. I also earn good money, but whilst I could cover everything, he got a job driving whilst looking for a job he 'wanted'

As someone said, being autistic and a lazy arse isn't mutually exclusive.

He needs to take responsibility for himself and the relationship. Tbh he sounds like a cocklodger to me