Husband hasn’t seen his daughter for almost a year, what’s going on?

[Mummyofone83]

Bit of back story. My husband was emotionally and mentally very abusive. He was getting worse after our daughter was born. He was acting very horrible towards me and to save our daughter watching her mum crying everyday I decided to leave. Daughter was 3 at the time.
It was really hard as my husband was absolutely mad at me for leaving. I thought that this would be the end of it but I didn’t at the time realise that he would just continue his emotional abuse towards me, it kind of got worse, very obvious.

Anyway I had some support at the time and it was pretty unanimous that I should stop unsupervised contact due to his behaviour towards us both. He wouldn’t agree to this, a contact Centre was set up but he refused to go.

So now it’s been a year since he has seen her. He wants it on his terms or nothing at all. I wanted it arranged so that he had no access to me when seeing her and so that he was watched as he was addicted to weed and she was coming home saying odd things like “daddy doesn’t want anyone to love you” etc etc.

What is he doing, does he not love her at all?

My solicitor has said he is free to apply for court ordered access and to be prepared he will get access. But he hasn’t, does he not want to go to court and hear what I will tell them about him? He will not be able to look like the victim then as I have a lot of evidence! I read they like to win and will this be a sign of submission as he will have to obey the court?

I did have a small amount to help me with the feelings I had of guilt etc which have gone. I lurked on here a while and read a lot of posts by adult children who had an abusive parent and wanted differently for my daughter. I never put much thought about how she would suffer to not see her father because seeing him was so much worse. I worry about how this will effect her.
All she remembers from him was that he bought her loads of toys and that he shouted. She says now that she liked it when he shouted and she wants to see him. I’m those few years he already started to damage her.

I think you should count your lucky stars and just put him to the back of your mind. Definitely keep your DD away from him if he does get in touch. Does he pay child maintenance?

The counsellor said he needed me to exist as a contrast. Someone had to be low so the other was high, dark and light, wrong and right.

I don't see the massive issue. Leave him be and ignore. Document everything.
Wait for him to apply to court and block him in the meanwhile.
Your and your daughter are better off without him. Don't chase, don't feel bad -this is his choice -to go to court for access. You present evidence to court of threats etc and he might get supervised access etc.

And he's not your husband -file for divorce. He is seperated -divorce him if you haven't already. Sooner rather than later.

My friend was in a similiar situation and decided she didn't want a divorce etc -but the fact that remained married -as she built up her business would have meant he was entitled to half, she needed to go to court to get full custody and prevent him from just picking the children up from school etc.
A solicitor has advised you. He didn't want to go to a contact centre. Change the narrative on your daughter. Leave it.

She was 3. When she says "I liked it when he shouted" -say actually as an adult I don't shout at you and I don't like it. We talk nicely to people.
When she says "I want to see daddy" ask yourself where this has come from -have you asked or mentioned it? Because mine didn't bring it up -ever. Others might ask her "where does your daddy live? Why don't you see him" and you need to work on those answer. Q -I want to see Daddy. You can only see Daddy if it is safe for you and me, and at the moment that isn't possible. Other people need to decide that -right shall we play a game of snakes and ladders? etc.......-I assume she is 5? So something like that. Move the narrative. I NEVER put my ex down but I stick to the facts. Can I phone Daddy today? No, phone day is Saturday at 5pm. But I want to phone Daddy -Phone day is Saturday at 5pm. Shall we go to the park? It's about sticking to the rules, not being emotional and offering age appropriate responses.
When DC1 was younger -Daddy can't live here at the moment (police were involved). Where is he, mummy? At this minute, I don't know. (I knew vaguely but she didn't need to know that) Can I ring him? No sweetheart not at the moment. I miss Daddy - I know it's hard when we miss people. I want to see Daddy -we can't at the moment. We have to wait. Why Mummy? Because other people are trying to help sort the situation and help us decide what is best. Right then you -how about we play a game and then phone Granny?

If you make it less of an issue -it becomes less of an issue. Counselling for both of you together might be a good idea.

I have been through this with the dad of my gs1 who lives with me. The best thing you can do is nothing.

Your solicitor is right though, he absolutely will get contact. He did in our case even though he had just been in Crown Court for abh and a pending grievous bodily harm where he was found guilty. This was ten years back and I very much hope that contact at all costs with all losers is not the main aim of the courts still. Enforced contact ended very unhappily in our case when gs refused point blank to see his dad once he turned sixteen.

Any form of contact with gs's dad made things worse as he was always pushing the limits. It was I want more contact, I want to attend his football but he could not step up . He liked the idea, not the reality. He certainly did not want to go to football on cold, wet winter weekends and have to drive a distance (probably because he was banned for drink driving on his way home from court). I just said absolutely nothing. He would then get another girlfriend and forget.

Just be happy for now op.

Being abandoned by a parent is potentially damaging, but you can mitigate this by surrounding her with love yourself and people (family/friends) who are safe emotionally for her. And involving counsellors and getting what external support you can for her. Look for help from domestic abuse charities such as Young Minds, Action for Children, etc.

But the damage he could do to her by being in her life would be far harder to mitigate for, plus the damage it will continue to do to you, making you a less stable parent yourself.

Of the two, him being gone is far better for her.

Men like this don't like to lose or be in a situation thats out of his control. Byhim saying, it's his way or nothing at all, is his way of remaining in control, if he takes it to court he may find himself in a situation where a judge orders something he doesn't want, hence him being unable to control the situation. He may have had legal advice that has pointed this out. I suspect that's why he's not bothered .

From my experience, as a child of an abusive father, enjoy the peace and quiet as your ex may have found another distraction (relationship or someone to feel sorry for him) just be prepared that he will probably pop up again and try to draw you back in, they usually do. Narcissists can go long periods without making contact and then try to hoover you back in. The only way to deal with them is to stand firm, ignore, never believe that they have changed and do not react. Protect your daughter otherwise she may continue the cycle when she becomes an adult and unconsciously end up in an abusive relationship as this would have been her blueprint when growing up.

@Bemorechicken that’s some great advice I will use them. I am trying to divorce him but he is dragging it out. Won’t respond to anything. It’s going through currently as deemed to be served, it’s been a year. Controlling this also!

I agree with @Bemorechicken. If he hasn’t seen her in a year, then why is she talking about him? Don’t mention him and don’t talk about him in front of her unless she introduces the subject. If he wanted contact he would be making every effort to have contact. Please don’t feel you have to maintain his relationship with your DD, that’s his responsibility. He will use contact/divorce etc as a way to control you. If he had “regular” contact he’d change time/cancel/demand contact when it suited him so you could never make plans and he was still in control. It would be your DD who suffered in all of that. She would have to deal with the constant disappointment of being let down and made to feel like she wasn’t worth his time. The comments she’s made about daddy not wanting anyone are also concerning. He does not sound like the sort of person who should have contact with children. Please stop trying to work out why he thinks like he does! Don’t waste your energy on why he does things, out that energy into you and your daughter. He really isn’t worth it.

Good luck getting the divorce sorted. In the meantime, try to think of him as your STBXH or estranged husband - he doesn't deserve the title "husband". What a knob.

She has been asking about him lately and it just got me thinking again. All the threats and the bullying and he has done nothing. He does send me the occasional letter from a solicitor also asking for contact but I say no.

This man was desperate to be a father so everyone could see what a great dad he is and a great person. It’s just showing me the reality I was in.

He is called shitface to my family!

@Mummyofone83

He is called shitface to my family!

Never ever do this. She WILL overhear or someone will slip up. She can and might use it against you.I have never knocked him down or called him names ever -not to my Mum or anyone. Anyone puts him down in front of the children -I pull them up. Anyone does it on the phone I stop it. On your own without her- you can rant and rave all you like -Little jugs have big ears.

Grey rock. He knows the situation. If he goes to court -he will probably get contact but it will be supervised to start and then move forward.
If she asks "Do you want me to see Daddy" or something when she is older say "I want us to take advice about what to do -as it needs to be safe and positive" etc

It may not help you, but we live on a small farm / small holding. So DC often see animals as a parallel. Our chickens for example, all girls - no boy needed. They are all happy together. When we got a puppy, we saw Mummy and Puppies -daddy wasn't around. He was a stud. DC asked where Daddy was - we explained about stud dogs (they were older and we come from farming background) -she was about 4 . Fido never knew his Dad and only his Mummy up until 8 weeks and then we got him as part of our family. etc For my DC it did help that her two closest best friends were also single Mums -with Dad not on the scene. Also another friend is being raised by grandparents.
We have a cousin's child that has been living with us for years now, and will be here forever -so treated as a full sibling. They have no contact with Mum or Dad (both died), so they live with me. So I have two biological children and one child who is my "ward". The biological word is used and we try to use correct terms.

When asked in RL how many children I say 3. All 3 children call me Mum. As time goes on, sometimes people assume naturally that the "adopted one" is mine we don't correct them but DC does what they want. Closer friends know etc.

It's a control thing, his way or no way. My Dp ex is like this, she refuses to go to mediation, won't turn up at family councilling etc. It's because they know they won't be able to control the narrative so they won't do it at all. You should be happy that neither you nor your child has to have anything to do with him.

He doesn’t want to go court as he will have to do a drugs test.

Let sleeping dogs lie. She is much better off with out him

It seems that you feel under threat, vulnerable and unsafe as to what he is plotting and when he will pop up next. This is anxious hyper-vigilant behaviour that you had to learn whilst in a RS with an abusive, unpredictable, volatile, threatening man.

This is an exhausting way to live and drains you of the finite energy and focus that you need for your DD. She only has one parent, she has suffered emotionally already - so you job is to obliterate all thoughts of him which preoccupy you - as they are stealing and draining what you need for a positive happy healthy healing life with your DD. You cannot be in two mental spaces at once - choose to be here now positively with your DD. It sounds simple but it’s not easy - you may well need some professional support to shift you over emotionally to the present and your future.

You have done a magical thing getting your DD out - keep it that way and keep yourselves busy with loving, caring radiant friends and family to give you warmth, love and self esteem. Fill your time and mind with these people and in time his toxic control will fade from your mind.

Just a thought but is there domestic abuse charity near you that you could speak to? I had support off the one in my area and they were amazing. Xx