I keep throwing up at the thought of my ex

[SoulofanAggron]

I keep throwing up with the feelings of disgust and violation. He was sexually coercive.

I'm in therapy because I knew something wasn't quite right. But it's only once I started going over the things in therapy I started puking. Before therapy, the feeling was covered by feelings of anger. (This is Interestedwoman/NoMoreDickeads)

I suppose I'll just have to stay in therapy and wait to come out the other side.

I do have a non-specific eating disorder which tends to come in phases. Hopefully I'll snap out of it soon.

I'm so sorry. I've had similar during trauma therapy but it progressed only to the point of nausea, not to actual vomiting. It isnt really that unusual sadly. Your body is flooded with stress hormones and is reacting accordingly.

Is your therapist pushing you past the point of coping in therapy? Ideally you should have been taught enough coping mechanisms to not be affected as badly as this physically. Not always possible though, some things are very hard.

I'd recommend telling your therapist about the reaction if you haven't yet xx

Are you puking spontaneously or deliberately putting. I'm asking as you mention an eating disorder.

@KylieKoKo The first time, it started involuntarily. But now it's not so much. It's deliberate, but a compulsion. But as @rvby said, I've had nausea. And I have a compulsion to throw up out of disgust. It's less like the eating disorder as it isn''t driven by a preoccupation with weight or shape or anything like that.

I've been trying to eat some foods that are difficult to throw up three times a day, so I keep some food in my system. I've been doing fairly well with that. But I can't bring myself to do that today. Will get back on the wagon tomorrow.

@rvby- I wanted a very basic type of counselling/therapy this time, I just wanted to let off steam about stuff. So it's pretty much completely led by me. After five or six months since I blocked him, I wanted to get past the anger and felt I needed help to do it. I think I have got past it. She did show and send me some self-care exercises so I suppose I should make the effort. She said I should this week. I've told her what's going on.

On Wednesday I told her in detail about the nasty sex. I think she well and truly earned her money that session.

I see it as like a process of grief, but with disgust. Probably I kind of want to puke. He's worth it.

I have experienced this myself - during the aftermath of the end of 2 very traumatic and abusive relationships.

I was physically sick from utter disgust and shock after facing up to the realisation that the man I thought I loved was a vile, narcissistic parasite. A complete stranger! I felt emotionally and sexually violated, resulting in my reaction. It lasted a couple of days in both instances.

It might be worth seeking medical advice as you had an eating disorder.

I'm sorry to here this OP. Sending my love. Definitely persist with the therapy as it will pay off in the end. Unfortunately there's no quick recovery. It will get easier

I had this too and I haven't thrown up in six weeks now. I used to have to write the next 24 hours off. I'm not sure what changed through therapy but just wanted to let you know things can get better and that some weeks will be harder than others. It sounds like you're doing really hard work and being really courageous in your journey.

Hi troops thanks for your replies.

I did a lot of journaling today and came up with all sorts of things.

1. It's not the acts I did that were violating, so much as someone hijacked my ability to consent, it was raped from me. That someone psychologically overrode me and turned me into an object to do his will. I should remember it worked less and less though and eventually I got out of the whole thing.

2. As long as I'm doing this then he's still hijacking my body and mind, as he did in the flesh. He's still controlling what I do. If I say he's worth it, then in a way that means he's still important to me, even if it's in a bad way, that's why he is able to control my actions. Someone who used me is important to me.

3. One part of me is sadistic to the other part. It's not that the other part is masochistic- she is trapped with her own torturer. This is why I do this as a form of self-harm, and also why I choose unsuitable men, as part of my self-destruction.

The sadistic part is happy in league with cruel men. It forces the other part to please them against her will, under threat of self-harm or death. In a way, I raped myself, and I hate myself for raping me. I make myself sick.

Intense!

This is ok though, this is part of the journey. I will try to stop self harming in any way.

I'm aware that this might be moving into the classic part of recovery/experience from abuse, where women blame themselves. I hadn't had that bit yet.

I'm doing the Own My Life course www.ownmylifecourse.org/ which is being run by my local Freedom Programme, over zoom (I'm doing the FP when it's on again- I got about half way through before Corona.)

OML course says that what we must remember is we were not collaborators, we just did what we had to to survive/get by.

I've spoke to my consultant (who I'm under for my bipolar.) Eating Disorder services won't see me as it's a partial syndrome (neither anorexia or bulimia.) They don't treat partial syndromes unless they're really debilitating. I'm wondering if my consultant might have better luck if she tried again, saying it's important as I might not be keeping down all my bipolar meds. I do try to wait two hours after I take the meds, and usually succeed.

Some of the stuff may be based in my childhood of course. I wasn't particularly sexually abused thankfully except by one boy a year older, when I was 15. My ex said 'that doesn't count.' But it was what the boy did that was kind of non-consensual- I didn't intend for that to happen.

@Colourmeclear Thanks. Glad you're not getting it anymore. x How are you feeling/what emotions are you going through now? I'm confident it'll move into something else.

I'm sorry to hear this.
I sometimes have nightmares and wake up panicked, struggling to breath and often vomit. It's only very recently that I've started therapy and realise its PTSD/flashbacks from something I never really dealt with.
But also what you say about making yourself vomit in disgust, its maybe more a self harm/control kinda thing for you now...
Anyway I have no advice to give- You have been through so much and you are so strong. I see you give a lot of advice on here (including to me!) So really just sending you hugs! x

I relate to a lot of what you say. I had an ED myself then one day I had this realisation that it was my ex's voice and how he made me feel that was driving the ED behaviour and the ED vanished over night. It was the strangest thing. It was such a revelation and so freeing after so many years. I'm sorry to hear that accessing services is proving so difficult, I hope you're consultant can help.

There is a very destructive part of me too and I have found I can calm it by repeating to myself "it's not my fault" over and over again. My ex shamed me into not talking about his abuse or the abuse that happened to me when I was in my teens and I'm working on being ready to trust someone with that. He pushed it pretty far back down my throat so it's been really difficult. I'm hoping I might start this week. You have been so brave and I hope things start to feel a little easier for you soon.

I'm also learning to get in touch with my anger, it's not something I've ever been allowed to feel and it's proven quite tricky to get to. I feel it and then I get overwhelmed with fear and sadness.

I was also halfway through the FP when coronavirus hit. I really feel like we are in the same place!

I was also halfway through the FP when coronavirus hit. I really feel like we are in the same place!

Totally. Though your ex was probably worse than mine, mine 'just' played narcissistic and manipulative games (which were very hurtful of course) and was obsessed with sex. So sorry you've experienced so much abuse. Definitely talk about it- I'm sure it helps. I knew I had to, so this week's session must've been pretty gross for her lol! I think I covered most of the things, so I'm not really sure what to talk about after I mention a few more guys.

I've had some EMDR -would recommend that if you have memories that affect you and you want to lessen their impact. Will do some more of that once the NHS do more stuff in person again. I've done about 10 sessions out of 20. I didn't want to do it over video in case it wasn't as good. The EMDR is more about childhood bullying and experiences of rejection (I have autistic traits, so a lot of groups and individuals have rejected me.) I didn't want to do EMDR about the sexual stuff with my ex much (I have somewhat for his narc-y rejections/discards) as I wanted to work through the emotions around that and other sleazy men in a different way; mostly just getting it off my chest really and now seeing where that goes. I hadn't expected this sort of response, but I'm 'enjoying' the process.

You could ask your local FP if they're running anything on Zoom in the meantime.

I see you give a lot of advice on here (including to me!)

@Lorelai101 I love this board. My ex couldn't understand it. He was threatened by 'manhating net' as he called it. He was right to feel threatened by it, as the Vipers helped me see the light and block him.

I try my best with the advice lol. Usually variations on LTB. But I think by the time people post here, things are probably pretty bad. They've usually tried to communicate with their OH and not got anywhere. Or they're starting to realize 'hang on a minute, this really isn't right, is it?'

i'm still physically repulsed and nauseated by a sexually abusive ex from 2011. Think it is still so bad as my mum died in 2010 while i was with him, can't stand that she died believing he was a good guy who would take care of me, he verbally sexually abused me THE DAY SHE DIED too, and i recently found the saved messages from that day. I hope therapy helps you, it did nothing for me.