Know I did the right think walking away but...urgh

[Tafelberg]

I went on a first date on Wednesday night with a guy I met on OLD. We matched a few weeks before and had been messaging regularly - lots in common in terms of lifestyle, music, likes, dislikes etc. His profile (Tinder) was quite brief but included reference to the fact he had a 4 year old child. He was smart, funny and seemed keen but not full on. All good and I was actually really looking forward to meeting him (which I never normally do with first dates).

So met on Wednesday and was pleasantly surprised, he was as attractive as his pics and we got on straight away. Had a drink and were talking when conversation got around to his son. And that’s when he said the classic line “there’s something I should probably tell you...” turns out he’s still married (I hadn’t known he ever was). Still living with his ex and going through the “disentanglement” process (his words). When I asked, he said they’d been together a long time.

Having been through a shitty break up a year ago with a narcissist - who, among the many shitty things he did, lied to me about when he and his ex had split up - and having been on Mumsnet for a while and learnt a LOT, this set all of the red flags waving. I basically told him that having been through a lot with my ex, I had to protect myself and that getting into something with him wouldn’t be a good idea. He was apologetic and said he totally understood - he knew he wasn’t ready but he’d wanted to prove to himself there was still life after divorce, hadn’t expected to connect with someone, blah blah. I listened but stuck to my guns, finished my drink and left. Less than an hour after meeting

He messaged me a bit later apologising for hurting me and being another example of men behaving badly and saying I’d made the right call. Saying he had really enjoyed meeting me and that maybe we could do it again when he was “out the other side.” I replied basically telling him it was a shame because in different circumstances we could’ve been a good match but that it wouldn’t be good for either of us and that we probably shouldn’t be in touch for now as it would just make things worse. He replied saying he understood. Since then he’s vanished off Tinder (maybe deleted the app but probably just unmatched me) but hasn’t blocked me on Whatsapp etc.

I’ve done the right thing haven’t I? I know I have really but god it just sucks and I keep doubting myself and wondering if I should have at least left the communication channels more open. I’ve never walked away like that before and I felt strong and proud of myself at the time but now just feel like crap.

You've done the right thing. You never know, you may get a chance to meet up again when he has sorted out his divorce and is truly ready to move on.

Of course it’s the right thing. How do you know he is even “disentangling” himself? I wonder if his wife knows that he is doing that?

I'd be LIVID to have that sprung on me. He has no right dating, under the circumstances. He presented as single - false advertising.

Wouldn't be surprised if his wife thinks she's happily married, and he's just looking for an OW or two.

Woah, you definitely don't want to go there!

He admitted he was using you to see if the grass was greener (green enough) if he left his wife! His poor wife - ugh. I mean, even if she was on board with them splitting up, she would almost certainly have been shocked if he started dating while they were still living together.

I don't think you want anything more to do with him ever, tbh. Suppose you married him, had a child, and then he started to wonder if the grass was green enough all over again....

@Hopoindown31 yeah. I just think if it was a long marriage he’s going to need some proper time getting over it...so it’s probably pointless keeping him in the back of my mind.

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof exactly. That thought has definitely gone through my mind several times. I’ve seen that story so many times on this forum and definitely don’t want it to be mine!

Depends on the circumstances - I know people who are not together anymore as in not having a relationship, but for financial reasons, still are living together and are still married.

@TwentyViginti I know. He did say he counted himself lucky that I hadn’t slapped him. False advertising is right. If he’d told me this before we met I wouldn’t have gone.

@candycane222 that’s a very good point. I thought about asking him the reasons for their break up but then thought it was pointless as he could’ve said anything and actually it didn’t make any difference.

Can I just say well done for sticking to your guns. It's really hard when you see promise in someone. I think it's a huge learning curve for you and ultimately you've proved that your not willing to settle. So well done, don't doubt yourself. The right one won't pass you by.

Definitely did the right thing. One of DD's friends' parents are genuinely separated and working on divorce but still living together. So it's possible it's true. BUT.... as the mum is the first to admit, it makes things complicated. And that while she gets he has the right to date, she finds it infuriating and upsetting when he breezes out the door telling her he's off on a date (this was pre-lockdown) and that it frankly, does not help the process of separating and going their own ways at all.

So even if he's telling the truth (and to be honest, I doubt it), I'd still be running a mile as you have done. If nothing else, this is a man who isn't really interested in being considerate of his ex and his DS while still living with them.

I lived with my ex for a while whilst definitely split and started dating the last few months of living together. A guy I was seeing was divorcing but living together as they had to agree on stuff before selling the house. So I think plenty of people are dating whilst still living together with their ex and it's fine.

He conned you into a date. At least you only wasted one evening with him. What's the betting he'll be at the same bar next week with another 'victim'? Don't give him another thought.

Good decision, and well handled!

Rubbish that he ‘hadn’t expected’ to ‘connect’ with anyone, when he was OLD!

You have done exactly the right thing.

You have shown you have strong and healthy boundaries and won't be messed with.

He will probably be looking for someone more vulnerable now, unfortunately for them.

The situation isn't implausible, but it would be a hell of a messy way to start a relationship and would require a lot of trust which he hasn't yet earned.

Well done op

@amiascrazyastheysay @Dozer @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult thank you. It was very hard to walk away - it’s actually scary how hardwired my brain is to make excuses for this kind of thing, the effort it took to ignore the little voice in my head saying “give him a chance, at least he’s been honest about it now, stay for another drink, he seems like a decent guy” etc was intense. But I’ve put a lot of time and work over the past year into recovering from my ex, building those boundaries and resilience and if this was the first test of them, then I’m glad I passed.

@BlingLoving you hit the nail on the head too. I couldn’t help thinking about his DS and it just didn’t sit right with me. My ex had young kids and rushed me into meeting them three months into our relationship and only six months or so since he’d split with their mother (I didn’t know this). I’m not averse to dating someone with kids again but if they’re not the first thing in their dad’s mind then that’s a worry.

@ilovemydogandMrObama @Sakurami I think it definitely is possible, but he should have told me the situation before we met so I could make an informed decision. He didn’t try and give me any justification for it like “we’ve been living separate lives for years” or “we’re just sorting out the practicalities” etc - which I’m not sure makes it better or worse?!

@ginghamtablecloths I know. I really hope he meant what he said about knowing he wasn’t ready and shouldn’t be dating and that him vanishing off Tinder was him deleting the app rather than just unmatching me, but I very much doubt it.

Just noticed I put “think” not “thing” in the title, how annoying.

Me and my ex were dating while separated but still living together. It was a mess. I wouldn't get involved if I were you. It takes a lot longer to disentangle than to move out after a long relationship.

Well done OP, I think that was an absolute masterclass in how to handle that situation! Bonus points for doing the right thing even though it sucks and you were doubting yourself. Pour yourself a big gin and give yourself a big pat on the back!

@cheerup yeah, that sounds about right. My ex and I were only together two years and not married and it’s taken me until now to feel just about ready (some days) to date again.

@Wildwood6 ah thank you. I have to admit I had these forums in my head throughout every bit of my response - they’ve taught me so much and I am pretty proud that I actually put it into practice. Big gin is happening for sure.

Sounds like you made a good call, and if it doesn't feel right, you were right to listen to your gut instinct.

@Tafelberg 18 months on i'm starting to feel ready for something more serious but for the first 6 months in particular I was a spinning top, only fit to date people in similar situations.

@Dozer

Rubbish that he ‘hadn’t expected’ to ‘connect’ with anyone, when he was OLD!

It's a line designed to reel women in, to make them feel special.

Finding out potential dates last name and stalking the fuck out of them on SM sometimes throws up interesting info about some self-styled 'separated' and 'divorced' people!

@ilovemydogandMrObama yeah. Need to keep reminding myself of that because just now the self-doubt is strong, which is why this thread is helping a lot.

@cheerup sorry you’ve had such a tough time. How long was your relationship?

@TwentyViginti oh believe me I stalked him as much as I possibly could before we met! Didn’t help though as his Facebook was locked down, Instagram hadn’t been used for years and LinkedIn obviously doesn’t give relationship info. Interestingly he had no photo on Whatsapp. I’m not sure whether that’s shady or not but did strike me as a bit unusual.

Well done for being strong here OP! You absolutely did the right thing! Loads of guys online dating seem to be recently separated IME and they nearly always reconcile with the exW. This happened to me twice. It seems the minute they're 'single' they react by going straight onto the dating apps, its wrong IMO because they're not in the right place to date at all if they are still living with someone. The guys that did that to me had their own place but still went back to their exes, I was an ego boost. I'm glad you didn't let that happen to you OP, dont wait for him the chances are he will get back with his wife, look for someone truly free.

@Tafelberg 17 years!