DH and his parents

[pommedeterre]

DH has decided after lockdown that he needs his parents to be nearer us. We would have to help a bit financially but they would, for at least the next 10 years or so offer us some back up for school pick ups/holidays etc for the dc.

I am ok with this, some minor reservations but generally ok. However the manner in which he did it worried me. He had texted me as general idea, I said we could definitely chat about it but he then texted them asking if they would be up for it before he had seen me. We had a discussion about respect etc, both us of cried. He theninvited them on holiday with us next year just off the cuff in front of me ten days later!

He has apologised, said he understands and feels bad etc but it won't stop niggling. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like Im going to be completely run over by them all when they move down here and I will have to move away to escape!!

I literally have the opposite problem and DHs parents are planning to move away, i don't have a super amazing relationship with them, just normal I guess but selfishly I don't want to have to stay overnight when we see them, so many weekends lost whereas now we can just pop in!

From that point of view I would say it might benefit you more!

Your DH and his communication is another matter though

Yes, you are right right roller, there is definitely an upside in it for me, visiting them 3 hours away is annoying and I don't have issues with them but DH's insistence on steamrollering me to give them everything (he thinks) they want is scaring me.

I have raised it with him very seriously after the second one and he has said he understands and will be better but I am struggling to trust him on it. I guess I'm being unfair to him but the doing it the second time has really spooked me!!

Sorry, slightly insensitive, you might love visiting them further away

I'd be telling him that they damn well better have more than one bedroom in their new place cause that's where he's going to be living or an extra broom closet for pulling that bullshit

It sounds a bit like he's massively panicking. Has he been anxious about them during lockdown? Perhaps that accounts for him jumping on all these things. He definitely should have discussed them with you before speaking to them though.

Well he’s on strike two and he knows it, so either he earns your trust or he doesn’t. You need to decide what happens if he does this again.

If he doesn't have form for making choices like this without you I'd be inclined to put it down to corona panic. He does need to understand though that it cannot continue and you need to be a team on these things.

Three strikes and you're out seems fair here. He needs to acknowledge the circumstances have triggered panic and work out how he can reign it in enough to make sure you are consulted in future.

I would be worried as he gave you a preview of what's to come. What are his parents like?

YADNBU ... he should not be railroading you into stuff like this...
What gives him the right to make these decisions over you ... no way ... what happens when you say No .. why should it cost you?
I would not go on holiday with anyone I didn't choose to .. they are to important to me..
Also What's his long term plan re the parents And how close is he wanting them to move... Is he expecting that you'll be caring for them into old age .... has he siblings?
he maybe panicking over lockdown and future but it doesn't make it up to him ...

We were worried about them during lockdown, they are a good way away, decided to shield and weren't very good at organising food. DH has one DB who helped a bit but is also a bit useless. Until we got them set up properly on deliveries, box schemes etc it was a bit scary.

I do understand that he would like to see them have a slightly better/easy life down here and also that he thinks it might solve some childcare worries for us (as I say, not full on, just back up for running late/traffic/school holidays etc).

The plan is about ten mins drive away, we have been up front on the fact they need to have their own life too.

Thanks everyone. I think the really salient point is that what happens on the third strike. What does happen on the third strike?!! I don't know that yet, I don't feel bad about our relationship in any other way and that he did this was a shock.

Uninvite them from the holiday.

No 'Oh it's too late now, how will they feel' - he can tell them that he didn't discuss it with you and you have different holiday plans.

The point is, he learns that he either communicates or he ends up with egg on his face and you furious, and NOT with an engineered getting his own way. You give him the message that this is NOT the way to get anything except hassle.

Be absolutely firm. If he won't do it, then tell him in that case you aren't going to support the move because you think it's going to be detrimental to all your relationships long term.