Is this my fault?

[RWilson93]

Me and my partner had 7 years of wonderful times together after we met at uni. I honestly believed this man would be my forever. We had similar morals and goals and I was so happy. We moved back closer to his family and he started to work for them. This is when our problems started. I didn’t really have anyone around me and I was struggling being 5 hours away from my family and friends. I told him how I felt but nothing really seemed to change. I left for home about 18 months ago for a week and he begged and pleaded & promised me things would change. We bought a house and things were okay for a while. Then his brother got a new girlfriend who was such hard work and made things more complicated in the family dynamic. I could see my partner slipping into depression about it all. I spent day and night trying to make him see his worth and make him feel better but nothing worked. I was unhappy around his family and he was always involved with them. I went into a dark place as things were getting worse, I wasn’t affectionate and I probably wasn’t very nice to be around because I was so depressed about everything and nothing was changing. I eventually had enough at the start of lockdown and ended it. He was absolutely distraught at first then after a few weeks it was all very amicable at first and he understood but as time has gone on (and he’s moved back into his parents despite still having the house) he’s gotten really angry. Said I was a nightmare to be around for about the past year as I was so unhappy. Now I’m starting to think maybe this was my fault. We shouldn’t have bought a house but when you love someone so much you’re willing to fight for anything. I’ve now got this crippling guilt that because I was so unhappy it’s my fault that it all ended. He refuses to find an alternative and live a little further away or even do distance for a while. He’s just not the person that I once met and I’m so confused. Has anyone been through anything similar?

You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want, and a break up is nothing to feel guilty about.

Are you selling the house? I’m confused.

I’m confused about quite a bit in your post actually. Like:

Then his brother got a new girlfriend who was such hard work and made things more complicated in the family dynamic. I could see my partner slipping into depression about it all.

He got depressed because his brother got a girlfriend? And then he left an empty house to move in with his parents?

Their whole dynamic sounds fucked up. I think you’ve had a very lucky escape.

I don't think he sounds blameless here. As is often the case, both people have contributed. I really doubt it's all down to you. Maybe being back with his family, who will side with him, is encouraging him to think that.
If he refuses to compromise, that tells you something. Perhaps it would help if you had a break from contact at least for a while.

No I'm sorry you were struggling and he ignored you. He let this happen and in fact made it worse. He's angry because he feels guilty no doubt and he's also probably still depressed.

Reply with 'you knew my life was a nightmare for years and refused to change so I don't know why you are angry I ended up feeling the way I did.' Then go NC.

Prick.

@OhCaptain

Yes we’re selling the house. He left an empty house to move into his parents as he said he didn’t want to be on his own.

He got depressed because the relationship with his brother was strained. - he just didn’t really ever stand up for me in it all.

@Vodkacranberryplease I spoke to him yesterday and he literally turned round and said (through hysterical tears) he didn’t want this anymore and we’d had problems for about a year. I literally have tried everything with this guy and can’t get anywhere. The longest we’ve been without speaking since the split is 2 weeks but you’re right maybe some long term no contact will be best.
The whole thing is just so tragically sad. Im also frightened about how long this is going to take for me to heal from. I planned my life with this man but the closer he has gotten back to his family and old life he has just gone completely backwards and lost so much independence.

You don't like him or his family, and he is clearly very close to them. Even now, you're obviously surprised that he's moved back in with his parents. You're incompatible and have done the right thing. It's not about fault, you just want different things.

It might not feel like it now but you have had a lucky escape.

I’m not disparaging his MH issues but his relationship with his family sounds extremely dysfunctional.

You did the right thing. But I agree with Vodka. No contact is absolutely for the best. You can’t move on unless you actually move on.

"You don't like him or his family" Yeah moving into a jointly purchased house and planning your lives together is a sure fire sign of hatred! OP I bet your mental health deteriorated because HE wouldn't set boundaries with family or compromise. It'll hurt for a while but you e saved yourself YEARS of misery

Agree with vodka cranberry

The family dynamic is clearly toxic yet her moves in with them??

He's like a child struggling to cut the umbilical cord...bizarre.

I absolutely adore him and that’s half the problem. He just couldn’t step up when I needed him to. My MH is in absolute bits.

@RWilson93 you MUST prioritise your mental health right now because nobody else will do it for you.

And that means cutting contact for a while. Seriously. His web of dysfunction and manipulation is NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

If you need to communicate about the house then I would suggest an email account for just that and ignore everything else.

My MH is in absolute bits.

This is exactly why you need to cut contact, he's still damaging your MH and you're not even together. His family sound like a headfuck, as does he and I agree with PP's you've had a lucky escape. You can't start to heal while he's still inflicting damage and you're still caught up in his feelings/life/drama.

Cut contact, get yourself through the hard bit at the beginning where you want to run back, and then see how massively your MH improves.

He left you in misery for years. I can see he's deeply troubled too but you can't sacrifice your MH just to enable his dysfunction and tbh you can't make him help himself. You tried your best but sometimes circumstances around you won't alllw for it to be ok.

If he's heartbroken the only thing he can do is move away from his family, minimise contact and get help for his depression. But that may be a very long process and unless he's clear that the cause of his misery is them not you you'll get nowhere.

Cutting contact is the best hope for you both. You could do it in a caring way leaving the door open for if he feels better and cuts ties with them. Of course it will upset him but once he's had time to reflect he might start to get it.

Already gotten to the bit where I ran back. I had this horrible feeling of oh my god I’ve pushed him further into what I was trying to get him out of! I begged and pleaded then He said we could make it work but to do it I’d have to go back to the house and apologise to his parents?! How could I go back to what I’d just left because I was so unhappy. as soon as I said no he turned really nasty and cold. He wasn’t there for me like I was for him at the beginning. I know I have made mistakes too nothing is ever one persons fault and I’m fully aware of that.
His only response is ‘but they’re my parents’ it doesn’t help he works for them to so now literally spends 24 hours a day with them.

I’m not sat here playing the victim I’m not I know I’ve made mistakes and was probably really miserable and should’ve just got over things but I really put 110% into this relationship to try and increase his confidence and make him his best as he was when I first met him. I just feel like I’ve failed him.

@Vodkacranberryplease I think they’ve convinced him that I’m the reason he’s depressed because I’m the easiest person to blame right now.

It sounds like it wasn’t either of your faults and a mixture of circumstances led to your relationship deteriorating and even reading your post it’s hard to see how you could have rescued things.
When relationships end it’s easy for people to blame the other person when they’re feeling hurt as it means they don’t have to look at their own behaviour. I would try to avoid any further conversation about your relationship and just communicate about selling the house

You haven't failed him, he's failed you! You're meant to be a team but that only works if both of you are equally committed to prioritising each other. Otherwise it's just you making more and more concessions and becoming more and more miserable because your needs aren't being met, which seems to be exactly what's happened here. I think no contact would give you a lot of clarity, it's hard to see a situation clearly when you're stuck on an emotional rollercoaster, step off for a while and I think you'll realise you haven't failed him at all.

That was a shit thing for him to say. Expecting you to apologise to them. That family is too toxic and I don't see a way back for the two of you. And please stop beating yourself up it's not your fault

It sounds like he wants you to carry the emotional burden of the entire relationship because, for whatever reason, he's unable to do what he obviously needs to do, and that is seek therapy for himself - For his depression and toxic relationship with his family at the very least.

It sounds like he's unable to think clearly right now and is just looking for an easy and quick fix - you apologize to his family so they will be less toxic to him? Because he's emotionally unable to stand up to them and defend you right now?

This isn't you. And sadly, there is nothing you can do unless and until he acknowledges his role in this and takes responsibility to own his shit.

I agree with PP - your MH is your top priority right now! If you can, maybe find a counselor or therapist to help you navigate your emotions. For the sake of YOUR MH, please do not contact him again. He's only going to turn things around and blame you, making you feel even worse.

You wanted fundamentally different things from a relationship which made the two of you incompatible- that's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about OP. You were desperately unhappy and he did nothing to support you and now he's lashing out and saying you're to blame because you dared to be unhappy! He has refused to compromise all along and now he's refusing to take any responsibly for what happened in your relationship. He will always put his family ahead of you and your happiness. I know you love him, but as @dramalessllama says this isn't you, and there's nothing you can do to fix this. The guilt you're feeling is just him manipulating you because he'd rather make it all your fault than deal with the epic Freudian sht show that is his family! As @dramalessllama* suggests, counselling and blocking all but essential contact is probably the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now

This seems familiar - have you posted about this recently?