Falling out of love with DP after baby..

[Redwine125]

Bit of a long one here but I'd like some advice and to see if anyone else has felt like this after becoming a new mum.

Been with DP for 3+ years now. He has 2 young kids to his ex wife and together we've got a now 6 month old baby.

Before I had my own baby, I used to see his ex wife as a needless nag who would always yell at him down the phone about things to do with the kids..you know what it's like when you first meet someone and they rarely say good things about thier ex. He sucked me into the whole "she treat me so badly I shouldn't have married her, I only stayed for the kids before she ended it and chucked me out"... I felt sorry for him, thought how could someone treat him so badly poor man's doing his best etc... He sees his kids about 4 times a week, pays maitnance etc.. And because id heard all the shouting and abuse down the phone I felt even more sorry for him.

Over time this started to become exhausting. He'd never stand up to her or defend himself and he'd always do everything in his power to make sure she was happy...anything to keep the peace really.. Meanwhile his entire family hated her and would constantly bad mouth her (not in front of the kids though) but he'd never say anything he'd just change the subject...and I always used to get stressed and say why don't you just stick up for yourself. Why are you being so nice to her all the time when she's horrible to you and he used to just say he hates confrontation.

She told me she divorced him because he lied about paying bills all the time and got them into debt and that she couldn't cope with the lies anymore. He'd lie about all sorts to her, from bills, money, even saying he'd given kids medicine when they were ill when really he'd forgotten to. Also they had completely different styles of parenting where she felt he just left everything to her, he was too laid back whilst she was a nervous wreck etc..

I used to feel so much anger towards her. I felt like she was getting her monthly payments from him, he had them half the week, what did she have to complain about...

Until.. I had a baby with him. I can't tell you the empathy I have for this woman now. I feel like everything she said he did to her he's now doing to me. I've witnessed him gaslighting her on occasions when they've made arrangements regarding the kids, he's then said "no I said I'd have them these days.." when even Id heard something completely different... He's hiding bills from me now saying he's paid something when he hasn't. He's totally not understand of the fact I have PND and anxiety. Everything seems to go through one ear and out the other. Whenever I talk to him about my concerns he acknowledges it but then continues to do the very same things that piss me off.
I'm now sounding like a raging nag all the time. Constantly snapping at him and I find myself sounding just like his ex wife.

Not only that but since I've had our baby, I just look at him in a completely different light. He takes money off his parents all the time. Asks for help off them and never pays them back. They keep giving him money all the time and I've realised he's actually quite a spoilt brat a total mammys boy and a man child.
He just wants to sit on his ex box, create financial chaos and expect everyone else to either bail him out or fix his financial issues.. I've had to put all the bills in my name and have them come out my account so I know that thier being paid.. And he just shrugged his shoulders and was like "cool. Good"
I've bought his kids clothes for our house as they didn't have any here and the ones they did were 2 sizes too small. When I said I'd bought them clothes he again was like "cool. Cheers" and I'm like.. Why am I doing this? It's his responsibility but if I don't do it, he won't.'
He sees how stressed I get and everything's just like "chill, relax" type attitude which infuriates me. When he gets in from work he gets the easy job of making the baby laugh and cuddling her into sleep when I've had her all day and had a right time with her. Then has the audacity to get snappy with her if within half an hour she fights her sleep. I have a teething very testing 6 month old and I adore her.. I'm so patient with her but i do go through mental and physical exhaustion every day, and for him to lose his patience after having her for 30 minutes makes me feel like I can't leave her alone with him.

Then all I have to look forward to when he's off is cleaning the entire house which they all then mess up again.

I just don't want to kiss him, be touched by him.. At the minute I just look at him and think I'm completely falling out of love with him. God knows what he says to the girls at work about me.. I often wonder if he's saying to them about me like what he said about his ex wife to me.. The bitch at home who nags all the time.
Anyone else feel like this?

You're not a bitch, he's a feckless idiot who is making your life harder. I know it's easy for me to say, but I think you'd probably be better off without him.

That's pretty much what everyone says. His kids already come from one broken home and I'm super close to them. I never wanted my own child to come from a broken home too. It would completely fck them up. I know they'd be totally distraught if I left. Everything in this home I personally have bought/built for them so they can feel safe and happy and loved here. Growing up my dad never had that for me and my siblings we never even had a place to sleep in his house and his gfs were always disinterested in us, which is why I actively go out of my way to have a relationship with his children and make thier room lovely here so they know they have 2 homes. I'm also scared of leaving. Scared of going it alone. Starting from scratch. I always keep trying to work through it and wait until my baby is a bit older before I make any rash decisions. I don't know if it's the PND making it all worse too.

Honestly OP it sounds like you would be better off without him, does he actually make your life better or do nice things for you?

It would be a shame but you have to think of your happiness too, I’m sure you don’t want your baby to grow up seeing you miserable. Don’t waste the best years of your life!

Make him leave. You know you'll be financially better off and won't have to put up with him.

Make him leave OP. If you are in contact with his ex, I would reach out to her and talk it through with her. She will hopefully be able to give you some advice and pointers. You can still have a relationship with his children if that's something his ex is happy with. Don't worry about your DC having a broken home, the home is already broken because it's not working. Staying in this sorry situation won't fix anything, but starting out on your own probably will.

I feel exactly the same as you! Been with DH years, then had a baby with him and now I see him in a completely different light. He makes horrendous sweeping comments that really irate me ("you're not tired, just lazy", "you don't want to go back to work because you hate working, don't use the baby as an excuse"). I'm sure he made these comments before but I didn't realise how opinionated he is. We have been at loggerheads regarding parenting styles despite the fact I made it clear to him when I was pregnant I want to practice attachment parenting which he said he was happy with then used to complain how much I held our baby This was the same person who said the best way to housetrain our puppy was to shove his face in the pee on the floor so he learns not to do it again His mother is horrendous, she used to go partying all the time when he was younger and he was either dumped with his nan or babysat by his older brother and was used to his mum bringing random men home on one night stands I don't think he knows what good parenting is and just follows how his mum brought him up. I can hear his mum's voice when he talks to our daughter and it infuriates me ("you're a naughty girl" "your mum lets you get away with everything" "your mum spoils you" ). He also has the "just chill" attitude when I'm very cautious with our daughter, whereas under his watch he has left her in the bath and walked out of the bathroom (I heard her fall over and I had to run up and get her out of the bath) and irons with her directly underneath him and thinks it's cute when she pulls the cord The last straw was when our baby was colicking at 5 weeks old and he kept hitting her really hard "to burp" her and when I told him to stop that he proceeded to shout at me and blame me for our baby crying, telling me "you caused this. This is your fault". I no longer loved him after that. Sometimes you don't see someone's true colours until you have kids with them.

I know. :(
And no.. He isn't thoughtful like that. Never taken me anywhere nice. We haven't even been on holiday together in 3 years either. No weekends away or anything like that. My birthdays always spent alone, he will get me flowers and a card (if he remembers the card) it was out anniversary a few months ago.. He said he'd bought a card but forgot it at work.. Few days later I saw it shoved in the ducket in the car and he hadn't wrote in it. Didn't get me a valentines card this year either.. Just completely stopped making an effort really. He says I'm negative all the time with a face like a slapped arse...i asked him if I was like this when we met (I wasn't. I lived a lone, was much thinner, and 100% more happier) and said perhaps the 3 years I've spent with him is the reason my face looks like a slapped arse. He keeps promising me it will get better but it never does.
I need like a back up plan if I'm going to leave. I have to put money away, try and organise somewhere to live.. And really really think about mine and my daughters future

If you stay with him, you are teaching your kids/step kids that his behaviour is acceptable in a relationship. Would you want your son to grow up like him or your daughter to marry and have kids with a man like him? I think you are strong enough to be both parents to your baby - one happy good parent is better than a miserable mum and a crap dad. Have you got friends/family nearby to support you?

Cross posted with you OP. You deserve better, glad to hear you are thinking about a plan x

If he changed do you think you could love him again?

@Twirlytwoo oh my god I would have been a nervous wreck!! My dp puts the baby in her chair in the kitchen when he irons his work shirts and I have to run in and grab her encase the iron falls. I'm like you, I just see accidents before they happen and am super cautious too.

Exactly like you, DP tells me off for picking her up too much. Says "let her cry it won't hurt her to just lie there and cry you're making a rod for your own back" but it actively distresses me to hear her cry.. If she's hyperventilating with real tears crying I can't bare it.. I don't let it get to that point I have to pick her up and cuddle her in whereas he just leaves her.

Im always constantly doing research, looking at threads seeing what tips and techniques have worked for people's babies, but he thinks because he's already had 2 that he knows best. Every baby is different.
Are you still with your DP or did you leave?

You know this is him not you, because it's what he did to his ex.
He won't change, and tbh it doesn't sound like you are getting anything from this. I feel for you

Exactly like you, DP tells me off for picking her up too much. Says "let her cry it won't hurt her to just lie there and cry you're making a rod for your own back" but it actively distresses me to hear her cry.. If she's hyperventilating with real tears crying I can't bare it.. I don't let it get to that point I have to pick her up and cuddle her in whereas he just leaves her.
You are being a great mum. Google the still face experiment with babies. It is psychologically damaging to leave them upset, so it does do harm.

@TooMinty if you stay with him, you are teaching your kids/step kids that his behaviour is acceptable in a relationship.

I have thought about this also. I know I'm transfering all of my stress onto my baby huffing and puffing constantly walking around with her complaining about him. I want to be a happy mammy who sits and makes her baby laugh and giggle as well as giving all the love. But she rarely laughs at me, she always giggles and laughs with him and I often think 'he's her favourite. I think she hates me'...

I've broken up with him once before earlier on in our relationship and his eldest has never let me forget it.. She keeps saying 'you won't leave again will you'... He was messaging another girl at the time and I finished it. Then took him back in a moment of weakness. We got past all that. I just feel like I'm living with a man child

OP you saw all the red flags-I equate it to driving on a motorway in the wrong direction with all the appropriate signage but being upset because a police officer didn't pull you over and physically prevent you from harming yourself! Sever your ties with that Bozo and resign yourself to being the single parent that you are already

My eldest never laughed and smiled at me, but did for everyone else! We have no attachment issues at all and he is now a loving teenager. I think he didn’t see me as a separate person to him for ages.

Your husband sounds horrible . So sorry you have to put up with that

Your baby doesn't hate you, it's like you said, he does 10 minutes of fun dad and she enjoys the novelty. We all do our worst behaviour with the person we feel most secure with.

I understand that you don't want to let your step kids down but you can't be tied to this man just for that. Maybe if you ask his ex you might be able to still see them after you separate from him? She might be happy to keep up the half siblings relationship.