How to solve - I do not want to listen, he wants to talk

[Halinja]

Hi! We have a situation to solve in our relationship. It doesn't happen often, perhaps once in a quarter, but a few days ago he decided that we should really deal with it. I do not see a solution...

Well the issue is that he talks about something, I do not want to listen to it, he still wants to talk about it, I finally snap and walk away.
The situations usually revolves around everyday stuff.

I get that I should not snap at him - this is indeed wrong and I try to avoid it.
I get that my behaviour is not acceptable if he tries to explain me something related to our relationship or my behaviour towards him - I rarely snap or tell him I do not want to talk about it in those situations (it happens when we the discussion has gone round and round for a long time already).

But I do not get his point of view in other situations. These usually are situations where he wants to explain something to me for my benefit, to help me for example, or just some random everyday stuff. So he either gets too intense or nagging (in my opinion) or I have already gotten the point and want to move further or whatever, and I tell him "I do not want to talk about it anymore" but he insists that he wants to finish his story and I must listen to him. It doesn't matter whether I say it very friendly or I snap. He still insists I have to listen to him. Do I?

The last occasion: I dealt with my phone repair issue, he had adviced me previously what information should I provide to a repairman (I did not ask for it), I did not exactly follow his advice, I did not receive the info I was looking for and I told him that I'm a bit disapointed with the service, he then told me a story about his wonderful experience with the same service (which was fine for me, sharing our experiences - nice conversation) and then told suddenly naggingly (at least to my ear) that "so my point is that I told you should have done it this way, then you would not be disapointted". I felt bad because he could have explained me nicely, instead of nagging or taking some sort of "daddy role", and also I already got the point that I did wrong, and moreover - I did not care about the service issue that much, I just wanted to share my experience and I already had figured out and also told him my solution to the service issue. So as soon as I discovered he was just nagging, I told him "OK, let's leave it". He then pushed "no, I want to finish my story". I was like "well I do not want to hear it", he was "But I want to finish my story!". So I walked away. And now we have an issue.

We have agreed that we will dicuss it someday when we have time, because for him it is a huge issue. But I do not know how to handle or solve it.
In short, our issue is that he feels that I must always listen him until he finishes all the things he wants to say and if I do not listen to him then I do not respect his wishes and I'm selfish (his words). I tell him that "but if I do not want to talk about/listen it it and you force me to do it, then you also do not respect my wishes and are selfish".

How to handle it? Put some sense into me. Maybe I am indeed wrong and I just cannot see it.

Thanks! And sorry for the long post.

It seems like you don't really get on with him and there doesn't seem to be much respect in your relationship

It sounds like your communication has broken down.
You sound quite defensive because you feel like he wants to nag you all the time - have you tried to express to him that it’s not like you don’t want to listen, you just feel sometimes like you’re being lectured/it’s a monologue from him and not a conversation?
If I was him I also would feel quite annoyed if as soon as I said something my partner didn’t want to hear or wasn’t 100% happy with, they just cut me off and walked off. Is he ever able to give you advice or his opinion without you saying he’s “intense or nagging”?
I’ll be honest, it sounds like you just don’t like him that much and you don’t really want to talk to him. Hard to say if that is justified or who is in the right, I can understand where you’re coming from because you don’t want to just stand there and be lectured for ages.

It sounds frustrating. My Dad used to do similar - insist on explaining something to me that I really wasn't interested in.

Have you asked him why he's so insistent on finishing a story you have no interest in? Is it some sort of behavioural tick that means he can't leave things half finished?

Next time he insists on finishing, hear him out and then ask why it was necessary? You can be honest that you had no interest in it, which you told him, and you're never going to use that information or recount that story to anyone ever, so it was completely wasted time for both of you. Ask him what was the point?

So does he keep on saying a load of stuff you think is irrelevant?
Do his parents ignore him? Or do they do this same thing to him?

Hmm. He sounds quite patronising and controlling tbh. Why should you sit there, bored out of your brains, while the big man tells you exactly where you went wrong and what exactly you need to do to put it right? I certainly wouldn't sit there nodding and hanging on his every word.

Fuck that shit!

Well, i can see his point if you ask him for advice on something, don't take his advice, and then go back to him moaning that things didn't turn out the way you wanted
That's really annoying.

Oh sorry, just reread and saw that you didn't ask for his advice. Were you talking to him about it beforehand though?

My DH does this. When it's important, like to do with our DS or our relationship etc. I listen and engage with conversation. The problem comes when he just wants to talk at me about something he's interested in. It doesn't matter what I am doing at the time, reading a book, working, cooking. It only really bothers me when he wants to 'teach' me something or tell me about something he's done in detail.
He doesn't get my attention, he just starts talking and if I don't stop what I'm doing immediately he gets really pissy. When I'm done listening to him on a certain topic (example from today: we had a brief chat in his home office about my new trainers then I went to leave. He started talking about excel and how he can filter on things and make pivot tables and how quick and easy he makes it and do I know how to do it? I went with it for a bit and then told him i had to go. 'No, no, come and see this youtube video on pivot tables' Ummmm, no I'm busy doing something else. Then he tells me I'm rude.
His DM was like this, she would drone on and on in excruciating detail about the most mundane things. He's inherited it from her.
I'm with you OP. It goes both ways doesn't it?

I think it is in part to do with male privilege.

So basically:

You: I have this problem
Him:
You:
You: I still have this problem
Him: I told you so
You: Ugh fuck off

Honestly I don't think this relationship has legs.

If I was telling a tale to my DP and he walked off halfway through saying he didn't want to hear it, my god he'd definitely get to hera it and more! Sorry but that is just rude, and had you been a bloke with this tale, you'd be told what an arse hole you're being.
My OH has a very boring hobby. I have zero interest in it but every now and then he achieves something in it that he's very excited about and proud of his achievement. I stop what I'm doing and listen and make all the right noises, mainly because I love him and know how he chuffed he will be feeling. In all honesty, I couldn't give two figs, but it matters to him so I play nice.
Perhaps you have deeper rooted issues but from what you've said, I think you need to work on playing nice and how communication works

Thanks for your replies!

I do not do it often, as I said such thing happens (when I walk away) like once a quarter or so. I do not get his point of view, because when I tell my friends or family "hey, let's leave the topic" - then it's all fine and the topic is left. Similarly, when friends or family tell me to leave something, I will and no hard feelings. Not to mention, that he also doesn't always want my advice or listen to me and it's fine by me, I'll just leave it then.

And I do not just snap and walk away straight away, I first tell him politely/friendly that let's just leave it, or ok, I do not need more info or whatever. But he insits he must continue, and then I finally snap sometimes. Such occasions when he needs to talk and I'm not interested happens more often, but most times I can then deal with it and force myself to listen him, just to not to hurt his feelings or to avoid the trouble (like we just had with my phone repair thing).

I have told him (just like the last time when we had the situation) that to me it felt like nagging and patronising. He said it was not like that and he was not nagging. I guess we both have our own truth here.

Well yeah, to me sometime she keeps on going telling me stuff that seems unrelevant to me. I can tell him that I already understand aand there is no point continuing, but he insits that he must finish. It feels to me some kind of control thing. If I ask, he just says that he wants to finish and if I do not let him, I do not respect him and it does not suit him.

I guess there is a difference in our communication - he tends to speak very long, very detailed, I have the point and knwoledge within first minute, but he wants to go on and on.

@Whyarewefruit I talked to him about beforehand, and he gave me some advice, which I did not follow. But when I told him later about what had happened (that I was disapointed), I just wanted to share my experience, I was not moaning or looking for a solution or advice from him. I just told him that I did not get the answer what I wanted from them and that ok, it fine, I'll go physically to the repair shop and explain there my situation and it will all be sorted. Then he started telling me his wonderful experience which suddenly turned into a "lesson" to show me how I should have taken his advice.

If you frequently find what he says boring or unnecessary, and are not so enamoured that you feel generous enough to let him drone on anyway, maybe he is not the one for you?

Sounds like you have a compatibility issue.

He seems to need to give advice / be heard in an overbearing monologue style which seems quite critical in tone.

He doesn’t seem to take your cues that it should be a dialogue or that you want to bring the discussion to an end - so you snap and leave.

He cannot insist that you sit and listen - but you also need to assert your boundaries earlier in the conversation in a calm way verbally with a clear consequence.

Also, the point is not that he tells a "tale" - I would never walk off when some tells a story. (I'm sorry, I'm not native English speaker, so perhaps I'm not using corrct words). It's when he has already made his point, but thinks that I haven't yet understood him or he still wants to add several sentences when I already get the point. Or whatever. The example I brought out, I told my experience, he told his story and gave me the "I told you so" and then I said "Ok, let's move to another topic now", and then he started saying to me that he has more things to say about it and he insitsts that I must listen to these things.

He thinks he knows better than anyone else doesn't he.
He sounds controlling.

Tell him you already have a Dad.

@Sssloou thanks! There is a bit of advice I'm looking for. You summed it up quite well. But what does this exactly mean that I should assert my boundaries with consequenses?

Is he a native speaker?

@Halinja

I think I kind of understand your problem. I also think there's work needed on both sides, you say he's being controlling when he insists on finishing his story but I also think you're being controlling by telling him to stop telling it. I would not be happy if my partner acted like I was some boring aunt rambling on and is a person who is someone to be tolerated.

So, does the long rambling stories happen all the time? Or are they rare? You sound a little contemptuous ( I'm not saying I blame you btw, I felt annoyed with the conversation you relayed in your OP and it only took me a minute to read it).

I get the feeling you're probably quick to grasp ideas in life and usually have to wait for others to catch up a bit? Also I get that you maybe a person who "doesn't suffer fools gladly". Sorry for that, I know English is your second language and I hope it is understandable to you. I think you need to insert a bit of patience in your conversations with himbut also explain to your partner you are intelligent and don't need a step by step guide to fixing the problem.

I think this is the sort of problem that can be helped with some sort of relationship work, be it counselling or doing a communication course for couples? I have no experience though but it's a thought.

I had a male friend like that.

He could tell when I was getting bored, around the time he started repeating himself for the 3rd time, with a slight change of words but essentially the same thing.

He would say, 'I'm boring you aren't I' I would tell him I had got what he was saying, He would respond with 'I'll not waste anymore of your time I'll just finish ...' and he would be off again.

I don't see him any more.

He seems to want to hammer home a point, to berate you and dominate the conversation - so he is always right, told you so etc.

However from your OP he also wants to sort this out. So take him up on this opportunity to reach and resolution to improve communication.

So before this happens again - sit down and have a calm conversation with him.

Tell him you don’t want conflict - you want compromise.

Tell him that in order to avoid conflict next time you suggest that you will interrupt him gently once you start to feel harangued and you will ask him to:

“Stop talking now, I am feeling overwhelmed and need some time out. If you are unable to stop talking I will need to walk away”

Explain that this won’t be when he is telling a story - that you enjoy listening to him - but it’s likely when advice or judgement is being given that hasn’t been asked for, even if you have asked advice, you are not obligated to take it. You are a grown woman and happy to make your own mistakes. Tell him it makes you feel judged/small whatever - and you understand that it is bad for him to be snapped at and that you don’t want this to happy - so you have suggested this solution.

We call it 'manslplaining' OP.
Have a google!

My brother used to go into long detailed stories until I pointed out he was mansplaining, he stopped doing it because he knew exactly what I meant. They want to explain things to women because they know best. The problem is they are not having a conversation, they are talking at you.

He sounds like a bore OP, tell him he is taking the scenic route and you got his point the first time

You will find men on youtube mansplaining about mansplaining. It seems they know best.