can you advise - relationship or house first?

[Well46]

Hello, I have not posted here before but wondering if it might be a good place to get kind, wise advice...
My partner and I adopted two boys five years ago. My partner has not adapted very well to therapeutic parenting and, while I am far from perfect myself, this has been partly to blame for me actually hating him for about three years after the adoption placement began. He was an absolute tyrant to me and the boys. He's improved and I don't hate him any more and I know that he is a good man. However, I don't love him and I am deeply unattracted to him.
We haven't had sex in 4 years and I have such a longing for it, but without the emotional intimacy I simply can't go there. He is so distant, just a really self contained person satisfied within himself. Nice for him, not so easy for the family.
I've asked him to read certain books to help him understand, I've directed him to a good relationship counsellor but he has done nothing. However, he professes to want and love the relationship and me.
Twice, I have told him it's over for me and asked him to move out so we can have a separation, which would be relatively easy (I know still painful) as we have a flat he could use nearby. He won't go.
Now, I need to get my eldest son out of the area we live in because it won't be safe for him to travel to secondary school. He is a vulnerable child. I spoke to my partner about this and said I was at my wits end and should we agree to buy a house in a safe area, then deal with the split or whatever we are going to do. And that plan has swung into action.
Thing is, I'm looking only at houses where I can have my own room. He knows that.
It's so messed up. Imagine buying a house with someone you know you don't want to be with.
But do I carry on with this plan for the sake of the kids? My friend has pointed out that, if we do buy together, it will then take a few years for the next step (ie splitting) which will take me into my 50s. The thought of so many more years without intimacy or feeling love is scaring me.
This is a ramble - I hope it makes sense and someone can give me an honest opinion.
Thanks.

I am not sure I get it but sending you a

All I think I can contribute is, is that you think it is over, end it. Don’t wait for his permission to actually do.

You need to sit down and work the finances out. It would be hard buying a new place, letting the children settle in and then having to sell it because you and DP separate. I wonder if he was so vested in adoption or whether that was more your idea and not one that has worked out well for him. Without honest discussion on both sides then the way forward is going to be a difficult path.

As a fellow adoptive parent I have to say that it sounds as if your boys and you will be happier in the long run if you and your husband separate properly and you find a house or flat in the area you want to be in.

Easier said than done obviously.

Why does he need to be part of this house purchase? Do you need his money?

Sorry but this sounds like a horrible move.
I'd say find a two bedroom you can afford or rent in the desired area and get him to do the same. That way the boys can take turns staying between you.

Don't stay with some guy who literally makes your skin crawl at the thought of his touch. It actually sounds like he is a total knob and you just dont want to admit that to yourself too. But either way, the love is gone and it sounds like the perfect time to split if you are looking to move.

Thank you, I see where this is headed. You're ALL right. I'm just so angry with myself over all of this - messing even more with the poor kids' lives.

When stressed, I have made terrible decisions in the past so I am scared that whatever I do will mess up. It's so good to hear some advice.