Can anyone offer any insight?

[icedaisy]

Been thinking about this a great deal recently, perhaps some of the recent threads on here and pregnancy so more emotional.

I am feeling extremely vulnerable and upset at the moment and wondered if anyone could offer any words of wisdom.

Dh and I been together over twenty years, married 18. Had many years of infertility struggles and losses. When I met dh I also met his best friend, more like a brother. Huge amounts of time spent together as family and as just those two.

When we got married best friend got on a plane and went to NZ. He had just split from his partner, messy. It really hurt dh and was a massive shock to get married without his best man and best friend.

Time moved on And went back to normal. Friend had lots of relationships, a couple of nasty break ups, moved in with us for two years. They both work in agriculture and he struggled to maintain a house while working. Lived here for free and I also sorted out a few legal issues arising from the most recent break up (solicitor).

He then met someone, got a house and was fairly settled. She fell pregnant and he was anxious about telling me, due to the losses. I then fell pregnant and babies are two months apart.

We saw him once after our baby was born then nothing.

He said he would be godfather at christening and never showed up.

The girls are at nursery together and I saw her daily, pre covid, no issues, all civil. She is fifteen plus years younger than us, not an issue just a fact.

She has called me twice for employment advice.

He won't answer his phone, not a word for nearly 18 months.

I understand from here that we have been ghosted, but I'm just so bloody sad. Over 20 years of friendship, trust, support, just gone. Dh is devastated but won't go to the house.

I'm sad for dh, I'm sad for Dd that her "uncle" is missing. And I suppose selfishly I'm sad for the loss of my friend as well. This guy lived with us, saw everything we went through and just walks away.

We live very rural and are likely to see him one day. I don't know how to handle that. The girls will go to school together, etc.

I'm having counselling for anxiety following birth of Dd and I suppose one of the things that has come up is how hurt and frightened I am that people just disappear, babies and now him.

I don't know what I expect from this but I just wanted to talk to someone and see whether anyone had any insight or thoughts.

I'm sorry it's long and have probably missed a great deal.

In tears even writing it down to be honest.

@icedaisy

Congratulations on having your little daughter, the struggles and losses to get her sounds so difficult. I'm so glad you have her now. I'm sorry for everything you went through to get her.

I don't know why your friend has ghosted you... so everything I could say is purely speculation...

However the fact he disappeared during the two most important times in your relationship could be important. It could mean he's jealous of the role you have in his friends life, and the role that now your daughter has. I have seen this with one of my husband's friends although he didn't ghost us. But he felt he "lost" his best friend to me. Which of course he hadn't.

He could also, conversely, hold romantic feelings for you and want to avoid you during these times when your family is at its most delicate stage?

But ghosting for either of these reasons seems OTT, although sometimes people just do it.

Or it could be something absolutely unconnected to either if these things. It sounds hard. How was he when you last saw him?

Thank you @LoganberryOakley2 that's kind of you.

I suppose it has happened at the two most key events, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Last time we saw him he was fine, joking and laughing as usual. Went out for lunch. Then just silence.

We tried to call a few times and no reply. He sent me a couple of joke whatsapp messages then nothing.

Dh is so upset about the christening he can hardly talk about it. I was more worried something had happened and he didn't know how to tell us.

I wondered if she didn't like me. Perhaps from reading some of the threads on here about female friend etc. It's just even when he has let dh down before he's never stopped talking. Just been unreliable. That was just him. She's very strong, feisty, likeable. I'm quite quiet, shy, reserved.

I suppose nothing can be done now but I just can't understand what's happened and don't trust myself not to cry when I ultimately do see him.

Things like mutual friend events, funerals etc. Their life's were fairly intertwined. I just find it so hard.

His partner might not like you, but she's contacted you twice hasn't she? For employment advice? Maybe she feels threatened by your long history? Or maybe she just doesn't like him having friends. Does she come across as being controlling?

I think with the age difference between you three and her, it could be important. My husband and I are the same age, but we used to seeing his workmates etc and 15 years is a BIG difference when you're ( I'm assuming) in your 20s, I'm 44 now, but I remember back to that age, and I would have thought that I had little in common with someone that bit older.

But none of this is enough to ghost you is it? Not showing up for the christening of any child is bad enough, but to not show up to the much awaited christening of the child of your best friend of many year is really, really harsh. I'm not surprised your husband is so disappointed. It's cold.

Your life's sound like they are going to continue to be that little bit intertwined as well.... Rural schools and all.... It's just such a shame that this seems like it could touch on that. It sounds really difficult. I'm not surprised you're struggling with it.

Yes I wondered about the age. We are all 40 or there about. She is 24.

She did contact me but it may have been a needs must type thing. I don't know if he knows she did. My sil said I should send a passive aggressive message saying good to know I'm still useful for something, but I didn't.

I don't want any drama. I just want to enjoy Dd but feel like something is missing and I'm not sure how to move on. In some ways wish we could have had a big fall out because then it's done. For years people said he was taking advantage but I never minded, he was like family.

I suppose I'm trying to unpick it all and see what we did, or I did as unlikely to be dh. I just can't think of anything.

Can I ask how you would be when you saw him? Should I walk away or be civil. I just don't know.

For years people said he was taking advantage

Yourself and your husband sound too nice and soft, I think you haven't seen through this guy.

I think he's a bit of a user/narc and you haven't recognised it.

@icedaisy

Personally, I would be who you are, and I think you are a civil person. I would be polite but distant and look to make any meetings feel as transactional as possible. The school gate is a difficult place to have any sort of fractious relationships, and I think it's in your, and your daughter's, best interests to be polite.

But I would look to do the work to emotionally disengage as well . There wasn't a big fallout, but there was a very clear message. And the message was given in such a way as to, in my book, be unforgivable. I think it could be helpful for you to take a stance more like " I deserve better and I'm moving on from that friendship". Because that gives you the control back in what's happening moving forward.

Your husband is going to struggle with this more though, but maybe he would consider counselling too. I am angry , on both your behalfs, that your child's christening was married in this way , I think you should work towards not letting days like the first day of school be equally marred. It's not going to be easy. But it can be manageable, You may be triggered at times, keep up the counselling and keep putting yourself first. you are grieving your relationship and the shared family life you thought you would have. It's like every type of grief, it is difficult when you don't have answers but you will get to a place where it doesn't really matter anymore, and you will move on.

Can you and dh not turn up at their house and just ask if you have done something wrong? Sometimes relationships do just fall away so maybe he doesnt see it as big an issue as you do. Also many people dump their friends when they get a new partner. He does sound like a user, and when he doesnt need you he doesnt bother.

Thank you all, it's been sad but strangely good to get this out.

@GilbertMarkham people have said that. When he didn't show up at christening few people even mentioned it and those that did just rolled eyes. I'm wondering if we are part of some joke I don't know about. 

@LoganberryOakley2 thank you. Yes dh certainly deserves better. He's a good, loyal man. He's been very hurt by this. I don't understand it at all. Even if he was mad at one of us it would never have effected the other friendship. He could still be friends with dh and not see me. The christening makes me feel unwell. We had long moved on from wedding but this time it was about Dd.

@Chickenwing I've thought about it. I can't really explain it but since you wrote that I've been asking myself why I haven't and I think I'm scared. At the moment things a are unspoken and maybe that's better.

He has been in a violent relationship before and I'm wondering if I'm somewhere still trying to protect him. The sad thing is if he turned up here today I would tell him how hurt I was but I would help him again, he's like my brother.

Two years living with someone is a long time.

I've also thought about the feelings side. We have always been platonic, never anything more. Ever. But a couple of times other people have made innocuous comments I'm now wondering about. However I think it would be vain of me to assume this was about me. Why would he suddenly cut us off now? If he had feelings for me, surely the wedding would have been the time to not restart the friendship.

I might talk to the counsellor about some of this because it is plaguing me. I'm just so sad and anxious. If your best friend can do that how can I trust others? I feel really stupid and useless.

When I met my husband we were both just 18 , so a similar age to you, and my husband and his best friend were very close , like your husband and his friend. The friend didn't take well to my intrusion in his relationship with my husband and there was a few things that happened that made that clear.

My husband wanted us all just to get on, which worked for a while but ultimately we saw less and less of him, which was accelerated when I got pregnant. I know your situation is very different. You had a much longer and closer relationship with the friend but I sometimes wonder what else I could have done to curb the distance between my husband and his friend? I know though, it's a difficult situation to maintain over time. He's still a Facebook type friend. Very superficial now. They last spoke a few years ago.

There's so many possibilities to why he's disappeared on you. But having romantic feelings for you was my first thought. (And it's not vain to consider that, your husband finds you desirable. It's certainly possible another man does.) Getting married is one thing... He could have came back and realised not much had actually changed, but having a child is another story. It's final. You are now a family, not just a couple. If indeed this is the reason for him keeping his distance it's a very good thing.

There's another possibility that we considered in our situation (for a minute) and that was that my husbands friend had feelings for my husband and that's where the jealousy lay. We had a few other reasons to consider this. But no matter the reason, he wasn't happy and ultimately there was nothing we could do about it.

I think counselling is a very good idea, sorry I thought you were already having some. It could be really helpful.

Thanks @LoganberryOakley2 you seem very wise and a lot of what you say sounds very simaler.

I've considered the jealous aspect but he was included in everything, Christmas, birthdays, holidays. People used to joke he was like joey in friends who would live in our attic forever.

I completely accept that would never have continued long term but it's just so cold. I often think what happens if dh is unwell, when our parents die etc. It's like losing a whole family member but he's still there.

I am having counselling I just haven't raised this friend within that. I had multiple losses during previous pregnancies, seven and when Dd arrived I as crippled with anxiety that something was going to take her.

So much of the counselling has been post natal and around my feelings on pregnancy and loss and failing to grieve. It's just that I've been thinking about everything I'm so incredibly sad and hurt at this loss as well.