Caring about a friend but not liking them very much

[peachesanddreams]

I have a friend, lets call him Bob. I've known Bob several years, we used to work together and I used to think we were close friends, but it's always been purely platonic as I'm not interested in men romantically.

A couple of years ago Bob changed job. His new job is really stressful and he has had a couple of mini-breakdowns, since the second one he's been on ADs and having therapy. I had some serious mental health problems when I was at uni, and still have occasional problems, and have huge empathy for anyone else with poor mental health so I've tried to be as supportive as possible. But the friendship has just ended up being really one-sided. All Bob ever talks about are his problems and he has made some quite dodgy life decisions which I don't agree with. Every time I see him, I like him less and less.

But, I still care about Bob. We have a lot of good shared history. I don't feel able to tell him he's being a rubbish friend because that seems unfair given his MH struggles. If it wasn't for Bob's mental health issues, I would just let the friendship drift away, but if I don't speak to him for a couple of weeks, I start to worry about if he's ok or not.

I'm not really sure what my question is, I just want some different perspectives on how to move this forward.

I can see where you are coming from Op. I'd drift away from him personally if he isn't adding positive value to your life. He sounds like he's too self interested and those people will a: gravitate towards people like you and b: drain you emotionally.

Honestly? I'd also let it drift.

Eesha is right.

My daughter recently ended a friendship with another girl for very similar reasons. MH problems and an over reliance on my daughter to make everything in her life ok/not to do anything which triggered her MH problems (eg not being instantly available, spending time with other friends and not being alone when this girl called her). She would phone my daughter up at 5am to talk about her anxiety and send her abusive messages if she was unavailable. It was draining for all of us.

She had been hugely supportive up until this point but, in the end she said, "what we have isn't a friendship. She doesn't care about me. And I'm not her carer." She was right.

I've also had to do it.

The problem is that, when you are a caring and empathetic person, others will take advantage of it. He is not behaving like a friend to you, he is using you.

Start to frame it like that in your head and it will get easier.

You're under no obligation to continue this friendship. He is not your responsibility and you have your own mental health to think of.

People like you, me, my daughter, get something out of feeling that we have supported someone else. It's not an entirely altruistic act. It benefits our self of self and self esteem and there's nothing wrong with that. But, at the point at which it becomes detrimental to us, it's no longer beneficial and can actually be damaging.

That sounds terribly cold and self serving, I know, but it's also the truth.

You, your life, your happiness and your mental health are also important.

I have been in/am in similar situations and I have to reluctantly agree that sometimes it is kinder to walk away. I dread hearing from the person and often feel like I am here to appease their anxiety and self-centeredness. Like you, I also have my own mental illness history and I just can't do it anymore...I also feel like it is my 'role' to make people feel better and I feel done with that too. I am scared of how this will go down with family and friends, and I read posts on here about people being annoyed and upset when people stop replying to their messages and generally being there for them and I feel like a terrible person...but, I no longer feel like I am benefitting anyone by constantly listening to and enabling anxious behaviour. Anxiety is shit and controlling in myself and it is the same in anyone else. We all need to take steps towards self-management, we can't just expect other people to tip toe around us. Go with your gut instinct OP. Listen to yourself.