This may be a long one as I need to give some back story to get some balanced opinions....
I have been in a relationship a long while now, and been married over 10 years. But truth be told, I have had my doubts the entire time.
Many things have happened to make me feel this insecurity, although most of the major issues were pre-marriage.
Couple of examples include a night out until 5am when I was away nursing my terminally ill dad. He told me he'd fallen asleep in front of TV. I only found out about it because he got caught speeding in my car on the way home and then tried to lie about it (he didn't realise speeding tickets came with photo evidence)
Suspicious texts and hiding his work phone (never anything sexual, but enough to suggest the chat could easily develop into more than work colleagues)
So there has always been underlying insecurity there. In hindsight...should I have married him?.....maybe not. But we're a long way down the road from there now. However, I also don't think that just because of that it should mean "I've made my bed and I have to lie in it"
We've been for marriage counselling, which to some degree was helpful and provided some explanations to some things, but never really resulted in any major changes - not from him anyway.
He can be quite cold, part of his culture and upbringing makes him this way, but usually the only time I get any physical affection is when he is trying to instigate sex, otherwise it is always me cuddling up to him. He admitted in counselling that cuddles make him feel awkward if we are face to face (so he's ok with me like lying on his chest from the side, but if I stand in front of him and put my arms round him, I can feel him tense up and want to pull away ASAP) I am quite a tactile person, so to feel your husband recoil when you try to be affectionate is really difficult.
I am now at a point where I feel I have poured my heart and soul into this relationship. I have changed things he said he was unhappy with, I am the organiser in the family, I am the one to suggest things to do, places to go, do the lions share of things with the kids. Without sounding arrogant, I am genuinely the one who makes our house a home and keeps our family going.
Don't get me wrong, my husband is not a bad man, he works hard, he is not unkind, he is not abusive, but he is I guess, passive. He is lazy. He spends more time on his phone than he does interacting with me or the kids.
Then if we have a falling out about something, he won't take ownership of what his side of things are. Even if he has blatantly done something wrong, like been caught out in a lie, he won't hold his hands up unless he is completely backed into a corner, and will instead try to talk his way out of it. Or usually his favoured tactic is to bring up something that I have done to upset him (even if completed unrelated to the current situation) and try to turn the conversation onto that instead. Nothing is ever his fault, there is always an excuse or explanation for everything.
I have lost count of the times I have cried myself to sleep when he's refused to speak to me and has walked off.
Sorry, this is so long. Think maybe I am just using this to write all this down in black and white and see it for myself.......
I have a big birthday coming up. The one and only thing I have asked from him is for him to re-record his wedding speech as on the day the best man messed up the recording and its probably one of the only times where he's spoken from the heart. I feel like I am waiting to see if he actually gives me the one thing I want, or if he'll just spend a load on material things instead and avoid any real emotion.
I just don't know if I am now at a point when I need to admit to myself that we are who we are and this isn't going to change. Is it time to just walk away even though I still love him and really don't want to?