I (F40) recently gave birth to a gorgeous little human who I am so in love with. His dad (M30) and I are currently living together but the relationship has fallen apart. It breaks my heart because I really wanted us to work for the sake of our son but it’s getting more and more toxic and I don’t want to bring up a child around that.
I met my baby daddy 2 years ago, we got serious pretty quickly and because of circumstances at the time moved in together. I was so in love with him. We were both exploring a more spiritual path and planned to save up and go travelling. However his previous addiction problems with ice resurfaced and although at first he hid it from me, it then spiralled out of control, our relationship became volatile and he moved back interstate to where he was from. I was so heartbroken as I found out he’d been lying and manipulating me for quite some time but I still really cared about him and struggled to get on with my life. We lost contact as the addiction took hold of him until months later when he was in rehab. (He did eventually succeed in getting off the ice). I was very wary at first of allowing him back into my life but I again fell for his charms and within a few months, he moved closer to where I was living, we rekindled our relationship and I became pregnant. We hadn’t planned it but hadn’t been 100% careful either.
During my pregnancy we struggled a bit. My hormones were all over the place and I had some anxiety about the baby’s health because of my age and some possible complications. Sometimes instead of being a gentle, supportive partner, he could be really nasty and reduce me to tears. I thought of leaving him but couldn’t handle the thought of being a single parent. He’d apologise for his behaviour and even started seeing a psychologist so I held onto hope things would get better.
With the birth of our child I was looking forward to a positive new beginning for us. While I was struggling initially with breastfeeding and healing from the birth, my partner would criticise me for not doing more around the house. He’d also take control of the feeding (I was expressing milk at that stage) and say things like he was “a natural” when it came to parenting which implied that I wasn’t. He had a go at me once when he’d come home and I hadn’t been able to get bubs to sleep and was playing with him instead. Another time it was because I forgot to put a dirty nappy bag in the bin. He did apologise for these instances but said he was just being “overprotective” of our son.
So we’re a few months in now and bubs is very healthy and happy. He’s a little more attached to me because I am breastfeeding but we both take care of him and he adores both of us. My partner now tells me I’m a good mother but I can’t quite get over him making those first couple of weeks more difficult.
Although we have had some good times too and my partner can be gentle, loving and supportive when he tries, more often than not I feel lately that I’ve fallen out of love with him. Because of COVID-19, we are both at home and together most of the time. I’ve become nitpicky and sad a lot of the time and told him I don’t think we should be together (although there’s not much we can do about our living arrangements any time soon). I’m scared that if we split up, I might regret it. He’s a good dad and I know it’s best for my boy to have us both around. I do still have some feelings towards him. But I’m just not feeling much love anymore. We haven’t been intimate since well before bubs was born and I don’t have much desire to either. I know that bothers him. Also it will be hard for my partner to support himself financially and find somewhere else to live as he doesn’t have family or friends close by they are all interstate. He will want to stay close to our son.
So do we keep trying for the sake of our son or just accept that we’re not working as a couple and find another way? Really not sure what to do.