I don't know if this will make sense to anyone or anyone will answer, but this is driving me mad and I have nobody to ask in real life.
A long-ago ex has suddenly reappeared on my radar through circumstances that I won't go into. I was very young and he was my first love. He was very unpleasant and nasty and he deeply affected me in every way, but we stayed together for nearly ten years. I've never really forgotten about him, but suddenly I'm thinking of him all the time.
The thing is, even though he was so awful to me, I'm sort of remembering it fondly. He was my first sexual experience, and it felt like a huge love affair at the time (although of course it wasn't - if anything it was horrible). I keep reliving these first experiences over in my head, particularly at certain times of the month when I feel more interested in sex. I'm embarrassed just writing that.
I'm married with three kids, I love my DH and I feel guilty for thinking like this. How can I get him out of my head? I don't think it's about him particularly - maybe just a yearning for a time when I felt desirable and not the mess I am now. I can't stress enough - this man was no great catch. Is this just a sign that I'm fed up with my life now?! How can I stop thinking of him?