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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving an abusive relationship

9 replies

ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree · 05/08/2020 21:08

Iv been in a domestic abusive relationship for 6 years. We have 2 beautiful children.

There has been mental, physical and emotional abuse... it started when I got pregnant with our 3year old. He would stop me from going out with friends, try to isolate me from my family, I had to answer my phone at all times, he would call me names, put me down, smash up my phone, break my things, Iv been punched, kicked, dragged or thrown across rooms, strangled, held in stress positions naked, he threatened me with a dumbbell, a knife, he cut my hair with a knife, held hot spoons against my skin... the list goes on. He also cheated on me after I gave birth to our daughter, something he denies.
I left last year and he didn’t see or speak to me or the children. I accidentally ran into him in January this year and he wormed his way back into my life. I thought things would have been different but we soon ended up in the same situation as last time, only this time I stood up to him.... it ended up with me breaking his nose. He wouldn’t press charges against me but made me feel like I “owe” him something, that I should respect him for what he has done for me. Social services are now involved in my children’s lives.
Iv left again and I’m now living with my parents.
I should feel relieved, feel happy that Iv got away but I’m sat here pining for a broken relationship, missing this man that treated me so badly, wishing things could have been different.

You hear all these stories about women leaving and never looking back, feeling happier than ever,
But you never hear about the ones, for some reason, still love their abusers?
Why do I still love him?
Why do I still miss him?
Why do I still want him back?

Feel stupid even writing this Sad

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 21:13

Omg I so, so understand.

OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 21:15

My xh is a vile and evil beast. I loved him for months after I ended my marriage. I just couldnt stand his behaviour for one minute more. Whether you love him or not is irrelevant. How do you want to show your children to live and enjoy life?

ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree · 05/08/2020 21:26

I know this sounds stupid but I feel like if he got with anyone else it would break me, I can’t imagine my life without him yet I can’t live a life the way he had me living it.
I loved him and thought of him every day when I left last year.
I feel like an idiot even loving him after everything he done

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 21:36

But it's like a disease, the way your brain has got used to his behaviour. The way you've prayed he would become the man you expected he was. It takes years to separate yourself from it. 5 years in and with a glass of wine I could truly love him all over again. Except he's an absolute nasty bastard. But if I think back to the time when we married it is impossible to believe he became who he actually is. Do you want your children to visit you as adults? You need to give them a relaxed home. You are on the road to becoming who you deserve. It is an almighty rocky road.

ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree · 05/08/2020 22:12

Can I ask how long you was married?
It’s like the more nasty and horrible he is to me the more I chase him, it’s like I can’t let him go, I feel like I need him, but then the logical side to me thinks, what do I need? To be verbally abused every day in front of my kids?
I never thought I would be this woman wanting to stay with a man who treats her so poorly!
I wish I didn’t give a shit about him and walk away and not look back at all!! And not care what he’s doing or want him back!

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 22:17

I was with him for 10 years but married only 4. You have to choose what kind of mother you want your children to have. The mother who gets treated like shit or the mother who taught them how to be a family. If you get it wrong your children will likely never forgive you. Sorry to be harsh.

OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 22:19

You are making it too complicated. Concentrate on what you need to do now. Not what he may or may not do tomorrow.

Jellykat · 05/08/2020 22:26

You do hear about many victims leaving their abusers and loving them and missing them for a long time afterwards.. Many go no contact for a while, then get back in touch or go back.
I still love mine, we were together for 12 years and i left 18 months ago. Found out he had a new 'supply' during Lockdown, which hurt like hell, i am forgotten and hes moved on..but i haven't broken NC since the day i left, there's no point, even though i go from rage to pain on a daily basis. I also experience regular flashbacks.
The thing is i am still grieving the future i thought we had together, the person who love bombed me initially, the person i thought he was and occasionally glimpsed in the cycle of abuse.
BUT that person isn't real !!
The initial wonderful person was wonderful for a reason, to hook us in. The lovely person we glimpsed occasionally at the end was to KEEP us hooked in.
I found reading this helpful www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/
to read other peoples stories is an eyeopener, and makes you realise how common our reactions and thoughts are as victims!
I also found You Tube videos by Dr Ramani and Richard Grannon really educated me, as well as Lundy Bancrofts book 'Why does he do that'.
I've completed the Womens aid 'Freedom programme', and begin counselling tomorrow.. Its a long process and hard work to find ourselves again, we are broken but we only get one life OP, we can't waste anymore time on these bastards.
So no, not everyone automatically feel happiness after they've left. You are not alone Flowers

OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 22:27

Yes. What pp said.

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