Should I dump him?

[Leonardo87]

I really need help

I am a 33/F and met a guy in December
Everything seemed perfect
He seemed to love everything about me
He wined and dined me and made me his girlfriend very quickly. He also said he loved me first after about 4/6 weeks.

Over the past 8/12 weeks he has not been as nice

I got a huge pay raise and promotion at work and he has mentioned my pay raise and promotion everytime we have spoken since. He sometimes has to work away - I asked him if he would miss me when he went and he replied ‘Do you think I am an idiot, I know how much you earn’. Since I got offered the job he has little comments about how I should or should not conduct myself - ‘I would not put up with that’, ‘Is that right’... etc etc. I worked extra to help pay for a new property I recently bought during my annual leave. I did not want to move into a property and have no money for furnishing. He laughed at me because I worked during my annual leave. I done it anyway.

He keeps mentioning with my payrise how loaded I am going to be and how much money I will earn. It is embarrassing and uncomfortable. BTW I am not monied at all - drive a very plain car and have a below my means lifestyle. None of which will change.

He works away sometimes and told me initally he was planning to leave this job. I find out he has actually been offered a three year stint in this job which he has taken. Did not discuss it with me at any point. He also told me initially he would be buying a flat locally - that has not happened. Now he wants to buy a place closer to his parents which is near London (500 miles away or something)

So it is two things that is making me uncomfortable -

1. The endless comments about work and money. Not sure what he is trying to achieve here. Whether its jealousy or what?
2. The job thing. I was ready to settle down in my local area with some one yesterday - just not met the right guy yet. I do not think any of his actions make me think he is really going to stick around and settle.

It has only been 8 months but the realisations have been disappointing and I think I really only have one choice to chuck him for being a creepy love bombing idiot.

So annoying it takes over six months for true characters to be revealed.

100%

He stayed at mines for a couple of weeks on the trot before upping and leaving with little warning to go back to his place of work. He has a room on site he can use. Only got the new flat May time

Wow. So he basically used you before his flat became available. Just secretly moved himself in. Then out again when he didnt need you anymore.

Ditch him. Seriously. If youre this confused about his behaviour This early, it isnt a good relationship.

I think the turning point was last week - I brought all of this behaviour, patterns and my concerns to the table during a very calm phone conversation. Explained that the patterns are making me somewhat insecure and uncomfortable. He became very defensive - ‘You have nothing good to say about me, theres NOTHING i can do right, you ALWAYS complain about what I do, you said I do XYZ’. I calmly explained that I did not use those any of those phrases and was just explaining the oddness of the behaviour and looking for clarity.

You completely backed down and had nothing to say going forward as he knew I was right.

This was hugely concerning as he was trying to minimise, gaslight and gloss over my concerns in a juvenile way. In an attempt to control the narrative to suit him. Nope.

OP even the biggest bastards manage to be nice for the first few weeks - if not they would never manage to get their feet under somebody's table. Luckily for you he's not managed to keep up the act any longer than that so you know not to waste any more time on him. And btw @vodkacranberryplease - I love the term 'pre abusive' - so descriptive of so many crappy behaviours.

I feel ashamed I did not realise sooner and angry he has wasted my time

Don't feel ashamed at all- you have done nothing wrong. Just be proud of yourself for recognising the red flags after months and not years.

It's annoying, but 8 months is still early in a relationship. You could have wasted a lot more time!

Yes 100% dump him. It's only 8 months in, so not much time wasted! He sounds very jealous of you. That's not the way a partner/BF should behave.

He sounds very jealous of you. He has been playing you a bit, using you for accommodation until his was ready etc. Give yourself the final satisfaction of ending it.

Be angry, op. Dont let him waste a minute more.

‘Unfortunately, this relationship is no longer working for me. I wish you well for the future.’ Then block.

Thanks guys - we did break up on Tuesday. He seemed relieved and also said he had been immature. He did not seem particulary upset. I feel a bit of a mug because I think if I had not recognised the red flags so early on and called it - it could have gone on for years. I feel happier and calmer now.

I feel happier and calmer now

This shows just how bad things were for you!

Sounds as though the comments about the job are possibly because he has an "ideal woman" in mind for when he is ready to settle down, and preferably she would earn less than him and be quite easily controlled. Hence he was put out by you earning well and couldn't help mentioning what was going on in his mind.

Move on

Congratulations on the promotion, buying your own flat, saving for furniture, trusting your gut and getting rid of the user! One day you’ll find someone who’s proud of you for all those things, and until then enjoy your freedom!

Well done OP. xxx

Thanks. A friend did ask me out on a date this Saturday but feel a need to relish my freedom for a few months before considering getting involved with someone again. X