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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I so desperate? Am I the only one?

10 replies

RoastPotato · 02/10/2007 11:41

I had a very bad relationship with my ex but he was caring when he wasn't violent, and paid me alot of attention, which I craved more and more the more I was with him. Then I met someone else who persuaded me to break it off because of the way he was. A month later I was desperate for him back but he just cut me out and moved on. I moved on aswell, but everytime things went bad I searched for him. I found him last year and on and off have made a complete arse of myself. He is nothing like he was towards me, in my head I thought he would be begging me to come back but in reality he ignores me, says nasty comments which I laugh off or agree with to please him. I added him on facebook, and responded to any small sign such as a drink bought for me with sending him some etc. (sad I know) Then he 'virtually' started to beat me up, which really has hurt me hence I now realise I am pathetically desperate. And whats really added insult to injury is I sent him some stupid post that if you get back means I dunno, they are you friend of something pathetic and he has sent it to the other girls on his profile but not back to me. THAT is how pathetic I am at the moment, someone shake me into reality

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 02/10/2007 11:47

seriously - stop beating yourself up. delete his profile and go to the doctors to have a chat about some help with your self esteem issues. You dont need him to be nasty to you - you are doing it to yourself. you are not doing anything most of us havent at onme poitn or another ( i found one relationship in particular exceptionally hard to let go of) but you need to see it as an opportunity to look at why you crave attention and have such a poor opinion of yourself that you allow yourself to be manipulated this mcuh. Please stop doing this to yourself and good luck and hugs

fawkeoff · 02/10/2007 11:49

sorry but he obviously doesnt feel the same way for you anymore so you need to move on with some dignity.I know its making you feel like shit but you are not gaining anything out of the fact that he is belittling you and making you fdel inadequate

Original poster
RoastPotato · 02/10/2007 11:51

I am already on ADs, have been depressed since the relationship. I know why I am doing it I think, my marriage is all over the place and I crave the attention he once gave me but can't seem to grasp what he really is - a woman beater, rapist, complete and utter arsehole. I have even sunk to apologising for making the relationship bad. I can't delete his profile, I just can't let go.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastPotato · 02/10/2007 11:51

O, and it's been 3 and a half years since we broke up.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastPotato · 02/10/2007 11:52

I swing from gettnig so mad I want to report him, to wanting to send him presents

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 02/10/2007 16:17

potato i am going to say something very very harsh but its not meant to be cruel. GET HELP. It is not normal to feel like you, you are married and its almost liek this toxic situation has become a symbol for everyhting you dont like in your life i bet you think that if he suddenly loved you it would all be ok and you would be worth something. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Please please seelk councelling or help - perhaps one of the other women here can suggest something but i am seriously concerned about your mental state reflected in what is obviously a seriously unhealthy obsession.

allgonebellyup · 02/10/2007 16:23

roastpotato, i sound like you, we split 6 months ago but i just cant let go of him in my head, i have even been texting his new woman and being vile to her. i need help i know, and you might do too.

Elizabetth · 02/10/2007 16:25

I think it's called trauma bonding, where your abuser has so much power over your life (more than any normal person would take) that you end up with a strong bond with them even though he keeps hurting you.

I agree with prettyfly that maybe you could do with some extra support to help you through this. Womens Aid might be a possibility as they understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. Coming here and saying you have a problem is a big step too.

MascaraOHara · 02/10/2007 16:33

I know exactly how you feel. Sorry that's not very constructive is it, not really in a position to give any advice at the minute but I do know exactly where you are coming from (albeit slightly different circumstances)

Baffy · 02/10/2007 17:21

Another one here who knows exactly where you're coming from. I wish I had the words to help but I don't right now. Just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone in the way you feel. I think third party help/counselling could be the way to go next

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