Serial Monogamy

[Menopausalgoddess]

Guilty as charged! My relationship history is a series of long-term exclusive relationships, pretty much all ended by me. I feel confused and embarrasssed about this. I do really want to find the right person to settle down with but for whatever reason I always end up unhappy in my relationships. I desperately want to break this cycle but I don't know how so I'm now completely put off from dating as I don't trust my own judgement. It feels as though I choose the wrong partners but could it just be that I have a fear of commitment? I love being in relationships but now I'm scared to be in one. I feel terrible for hurting people in the past, I don't want to do that again. I know there's no guarantee that things will work out but I have to sort out this issue once and for all before I enter the dating arena again. It's not fair on potential partners. Is anyone else like this? Have you managed to resolve the issue? And for anyone who wishes to criticise me, don't worry, I already feel bad enough, it has been unintentional and I'm doing my best to change it. I've kept these feelings to myself on the whole, as I feel deeply ashamed about it mainly, but I know I need some help with this one. TIA

It's a tricky one, had my times of serial monogamy, but then have had a long relationship too, and shorter ones. At the time it's never nice to end a relationship, but I don't think I feel sad for them further down the line.
Maybe you keep doing what I've done at times, living in the moment and finding Mr. " Will do fine for now". It's easier to find someone who slots into your life as it is, even if at the back of your mind there's a nagging doubt that it will be doable in the long term. I think the answer is maybe to work out what you need long term, then be stricter about those you meet who don't match your long term needs. Rather than hoping they might change to be the man you need, appraise what is in front of you as people don't change much if at all over time.
Don't worry unnecessarily abut the broken hearts behind you, they will be over it by now

@Opentooffers thank you, I really do need to let go of this guilt and you're right I'm sure they're fine. I also think you're right that I do need to properly consider what I need from a partner long term, I do tend to rush in as I very much live in the moment and I really enjoy the company of others, even if, as you say I do have that 'nagging' feeling. Think I'm going to create a list (just a short one) of what I actually need. Thanks again!

I’m the same, long long term relationships, now happily married. I was always looking for the happy ending, it’s not an ending though?

Create the list as suggested but also be proud of your loyalty. Have you stayed in touch with ex’s? I have and it makes me look back on time spent fondly rather than a waste

@Choppedupapple did you know it was different with your husband?

I have stayed in touch with a couple of my ex's yes, I actually had a very close friendship with one of them. We should have always just been friends.

Is it the monogamy that's the problem? (Because it's interesting that you titled your thread that way rather than "I can't seem to find someone I want long-term" or "am I afraid of commitment?")

Have you tried dating casually and non-exclusively (being fully honest with partners of course) and see if that suits you better?

I think firstly it’s not unintentional - I don’t mean that to shame you, or judge I mean it in a ‘let’s face the truth’ way.
You seem sort of self aware but also very muddled

The way to sorting something out is working out the root problem! When did this start. What happens to lead you to cheat on people? Is it the thrill? Or are you constantly choosing people who you don’t really find attractive?

Guilty as charged!
15-18
19-22
22-26
26-Now coming up to 10 years, 6 years happily married.

Managed to fit some flings in the gaps as well 🙈

I knew DH was 'the one' when the feelings didn't start to gradually fade after about 18 months like before.

Why are you embarrassed and confused by this?
It's life and as you learn what you like and not so much you move closer to someone possibly more ideal.
No set rules and maybe take more time to get to know someone I'm not sure.
Unless you want marriage is it wrong, no

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation my bestfriend actually asked me the same thing recently. After much deliberation I've got to say no, I love being in a relationship with one person. I don't think I could date more than one person at a time. I could go on several first dates with numerous people, I think, but I've never actually done that.
@Menora I agree I am muddled. I don't cheat, I have however entered committed relationships way too quickly. I have also had a six year relationship with someone who definitely should have just been a friend, I really wasn't that attracted to them but by the time I realised this I was already in to deep.

@Frlrlrubert very similar to me but mines quite a bit longer, I'm 43. Good to know you can come out the other side happily married.
@overacupcoffee I know you're right but I still beat myself up over it. I would like to get married. I joke to my family and friends that I'm Elizabeth Taylor but without the rings but quite honestly I'm really tired of this. I starting to realise that I'm too hasty to rush in, I need to engage my head more, I allow myself to get swept any. Time to use my noggin. :)

Ok sorry, the term monogamy alluded to not being faithful to me!

@Menora oh I see, I did wonder! :)

I think a lot of people do this. A lot of people like being in relationships and have a few before finding one that they want to settle into. I don't think this is a bad thing as long as you are not repeating unhealthy patterns (such as choosing emotionally unavailable or abusive men).

@KylieKoKo I'm starting to agree with you, I think I've been too hard on myself and that actually I just need to take longer in the initially stages so I choose a more suitable partner. Thanks for your response.

Myself, my brother and my cousin are all serial monogamists.

Bro is happily married with kids, cousin has a long term partner and a dog, I have a partner, my kids from before and a mortgage.

It doesn't have to be bad. Better this way than never committing at all.

@overacupcoffee

Why are you embarrassed and confused by this? It's life and as you learn what you like and not so much you move closer to someone possibly more ideal. No set rules and maybe take more time to get to know someone I'm not sure. Unless you want marriage is it wrong, no

This! You're being sensible - you want a long term monogamous relationship so you are being clear about that, having that, but ending it if and when you don't feel it's someone you want to be with forever.

Celebrate the fact you're sensible, switched on and honest!

@PoppedTheHipAgain @backseatcookers thanks so much for the replies. Wish I'd reached out about this earlier as I've been shaming myself over it for such a long time, I wouldn't really talk to anyone about it. In the space of 24hours I've come to realise that I've been beating myself up over not very much and when I read back over my original post I can honestly say that I now feel differently. The only thing I think I need to do is to be more discerning with who I get involved with, I can do that!

Thanks everyone!