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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it furlough or a realisation?

21 replies

Kobesmum0708 · 05/08/2020 10:41

Just wanted some outside opinions really as i am currently on furlough so not seeing people as i would in normal life.

I have been with DP for 11 years and we have an 8 year old together. Things havent always been easy it is my DPs first serious relationship and i have had one previously (i am 4 years older) both in our 30s. DP has very addivtive traits and like his mum is money obsessed. He has always been careless with money and got into debt leading his parents to remortgage to basically save his skin, last time he got into debt we went into a joint IVA (my smaller debt was needed to top it up) this has now completed this year so we are building up our credit rating, along with this he has has a problem with gambling which has now lead me to be in control of all his money and he is banned from entering any bookies, time and time again i have told him he does it again then its over but i never has the guts to do it when it comes to it. He also borrows money off his parents and also my mum in secret, the last time which really got to me was he borrowed money from my mum valentines week didnt get me anything but spent the borrowed money on the xbox. Which leads me to another thing the Xbox the first 2 weeks of lockdown we spent in different rooms as he spent his whole time on the xbox (before lockdown this was most evenings into the early hours) we have had a few 'crisis' talks since then as he went through my phone and saw i had messages from a male friend (completely innocent) but he cant bare me speaking to anyone male so this has caused a kick off. He asked me if i had spoken to anyone else male so i said i had messsged an old friend about fitness classes as the gym had closed, this has lead to an obsession and he questions me everyday on who i have spoken to and why do i like peoples posts on social media its really draining. He has female friends and even had a girl on xbox calling his phone everyday to see ifnhe was coming online, since our first crisis talk she deleted and blocked him he said she did it when he told her we were arguing as she thought it was about her. I now just feel like i have had sordid affairs and just feel like leaving all social media to stop the questioning, he says he doenst go through my phone but i got an app which shows me he occasionally does which makes me not able to talk to people as he will have a strop and be upset if i talk about him. He also has suicidal tendancies and last time he had a talk he stormed out and sent me a link to the song he wants at his funeral and wouldnt answer is phone, i later found out he was at a motorway bridge. I just feel a bit trapped and unsure what to do, in his defence he has really been trying to not go on the xbox as much and will watch tv with me but i feel like he just does this so i stay with him, he doesnt like to do anything as a couple only as a family which is lovley and our son is my everything but i just find this strange too. Generally everyday we get on well and hes not nasty to me these little things just really niggle at me and im stuck in my head all day wondering if its just because im not going out to work letting it out to my work friends or is it a major red flag? I am an anxious person and little things that are said really bother me is it me?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2020 10:54

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; how did you now in your 30s end up with such a man?. Did you meet this person btw when you were at a low point in your life yourself; you met him also when you were in your early 20s and had no real life experience behind you.

How can you set yourself free from such a man along with his associated x box (a possession he thinks far more of than you). This relationship has been and remains a disaster from the start. He is not going to change; all you can do is change how you react to him along with firming up plans to leave him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. By being there with him you are enabling him and his associated gambling addiction. He's enabled his mother previously and now you are enabling him. All enabling does is give you a false sense of control; it neither helps him or you.

Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship; this is a realisation re him you are now having.

You and he really do need to be apart now; he is treating you and his child here with the utmost contempt. Your partner is very much like his mother too; do you want your son to grow up here thinking that his dad's behaviour is at all normal?. What do you want your son to learn about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. This is no model to be showing him.

This man too uses your anxiety (he is likely the root cause of that) along with manipulative behaviour to keep you in check; that whole thing with the song and the motorway bridge was classic manipulation designed also to worry you unduly. Men like he do use the threat of killing themselves to hurt their target into not leaving them and they do that too because its effective.

I would seriously consider contacting Womens Aid and seek help; abuse like this thrives on secrecy and you do need to start opening up to people about life at home.

SarahBellam · 05/08/2020 10:54

You are in an abusive relationship. He is controlling and gaslighting you. Please leave him. If he threatens suicide call the police. I bet your anxiety will ease a lot if you get rid of him. This is no way for you to live your life.

Anxiousmarie · 05/08/2020 11:03

Thank you for your reply.

I have often worried that I dont want my son to think this is right and turn out this way but my mind always tells me that its not a general everyday life thing. When he asked me during those 2 weeks on lockdown if i wanted to be with him I said i dont know hes not got over that then ott tried which makes me think its me being nasty.

He is very much turning into his mum which is becoming more apparent and worrying to me.

Anxiousmarie · 05/08/2020 11:04

I have been on the womens aid forum but i felt like it wasnt enough to be considered abusive

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2020 11:11

You are being both controlled and used here by him. Please do contact Womens Aid; this is an abusive relationship and your son is being affected by he seeing his mum being abused and controlled. He cannot afford to learn such lessons on relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2020 11:11

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

Anxiousmarie · 05/08/2020 11:17

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

I know i just think that I would be laughed at for thinking it was abuse as hes not nasty as such 😫 I genuinely believe that I am his whole world it just doesn't feel that way to me

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2020 11:36

I am not laughing; what you are describing here is an abusive and controlling relationship. And acting as he did towards you re the song and motorway bridge is a whole other level of nasty and manipulative behaviour on his part.

Its also a relationship where you are enabling his gambling addiction. None of this relationship whichever way you look at it is at all emotionally healthy for you or your son.

You are not this man's whole world at all; he thinks you are a mug and thinks more too of his xbox. He has used you throughout this relationship and targeted you also because he sensed vulnerability and saw at first hand your own poor boundaries.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 05/08/2020 12:31

emotional manipulation is abuse OP

you may not perceive it the same way as a black eye, but over time it is just as damaging.

both to your mental state, and to your DC in terms of what they see as "normal" in a relationship.

Anxiousmarie · 05/08/2020 12:59

Thank you all for your replies so far, it has made me think that im not just going mad due to not working

Anxiousmarie · 15/08/2020 13:19

Following on from my original post, i am really struggling, i do feep like he is abusive but i am struggling with what to do. Day to day hes fine and its just the odd comment that really gets me, i just feel so exhausted and drained having to do anything online in secret or hidden incase he reads too much into things Last week he was convinced that i spent the evening messaging someone on instagram which ended in me deleting all my social media due to the constant speculation on who i am talking to and posts i am liking which inadvertivley leads me to just not botherig to comment like posts. Anyway he got angry that i did this as he doesnt want to look controlling. So he said if you arent messaging anyone show me your messages so i did. Its just made me feel like my phone is an enemy, he is constantly on his phone and i dont question it. Also in regards to gambling he called me to say he had won money from a casino you tuber who gives away 10% of his winnings. I then logged into his you tube (not knowing he would get notification of this) to check it out and he came home really stroppy with me and the he felt like i was checking up in him...

TooManyDogsandChildren · 15/08/2020 15:31

What do you get out of this relationship OP? It sounds exhausting. What does he bring, really? It's all about him isn't it and he does not sound much of a prize.

The money stuff would have been enough for me to leave him, the phone stuff is just unbearable. He is still gambling and lying about it.

Think how peaceful your life would be without him, control of your finances and no-one harassing you. You don't have to stay with him. What is your 8 year old learning about relationships right now?

Comtesse · 15/08/2020 15:39

Money/ debt? Awful. Gambling? Awful. Jealousy? Awful. Xbox? Awful. He just sounds shocking. Sounds like he is dragging you down.

rvby · 15/08/2020 15:40

Op can i ask why are you with him? Whats keeping you in the relationship?

You describe a relationship that is, at best, pretty pathetic and miserable. Most people would have moved on by now. There must be something that's keeping you here, do you have any ideas on that?

Perhaps if you can explain what's keeping the relationship alive, it will help both you and us understand why you're settling for this kind of unhappiness.

DonLewis · 15/08/2020 15:42

Life is short and you're wasting it with this man.

He's dragging you down in so many ways. Where's the joy? The team work? The joint goals? The fun? The wonder? You can have all of those things.

Anxiousmarie · 15/08/2020 19:59

I think the thing keeping me here is the hurt it would cause him if we split, i know that sounds ridiculous in the whole scale of things. I think it stems from my parents splitting when i was 18 and I became the adult looking after my devestated dad and sisters. He always says to me i am his world and he couldnt live without me etc it just kills me to think that im crashing his world into pieces whereas mentally i am exhausted and in a constant state of anxiety which is slowly killing me

chuffedasbuttons · 15/08/2020 20:11

You have to leave him.
Life will be much better and he isn't a grown up. He's hardly a great specimen of partner.

Go back to the women's aid site and look up the Freedom Program.

He is a classic abuser

rvby · 15/08/2020 20:18

@Anxiousmarie

I so get you op. I really do.

For me, the crunch came when I realized that I wasn't going to survive it, physically. That it wasn't sustainable and I wouldn't be able to survive being, effectively, his carer. If that makes sense? Not in the classic sense, but in the sense that he required my world to revolve around him and if it didn't, the punishment was so severe.

I couldn't carry on. I knew it was going to kill me. I needed friends, peace, rest, support, someone to be in my corner or I was literally going to break down and have to be put in hospital where other adults could take care of ME until I was well enough to go back and be his carer again.

I think you really need to be clear with yourself as to how bad you're going to let your mh, life, friendships, finances, etc etc get before you draw a line in the sand.

He is a grown man and as long as you're around to be his mummy, he will try to force you to be that. While hating you for it, for his own dependence and weakness. I've been there

Holding you hand xx

Anxiousmarie · 15/08/2020 20:57

Thank you, i really needed these replies i just feel so alone and like i am being really over dramatic but yes i agree i feel like it will physically hurt me im currently in a state of tight chest and throat abd hes not even here

tarasmalatarocks · 16/08/2020 00:27

OP, just wanted to say that 30 years ago in my first marriage my ex H wasn’t a bad guy but he was young (30) and quite selfish , he came first - I didn’t leave because I cared still , and I worried about him as he always said I was his world (although his words didn’t always match his actions) . In the end I left and within 8 weeks he had another woman coming round all the time, within 3 months she had moved in— — suddenly it seems , I wasn’t his world, I was his world ‘at that time’ — I had been tying myself in knots for 18 months about leaving and it turns out I needn’t have bothered — it taught me a very harsh life lesson.

Anxiousmarie · 16/08/2020 17:02

Thank you, i do think that after the initial upset he would be ok and move on but i always think he would either attempt suicide or really bad mouth me to everyone again both things which make me stay. He is also in his 30s and immature as you can prob tell, another thing that plays with my mind is that no one ever splits up on his side of the family. I feel like i really need a push

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