DCs father being very nasty

[Imtootired]

I have a ten year old and baby with my ex. We broke up before my baby was born. He didn’t give me any extra help with our older son while I was pregnant or contribute anything for the baby. Things have been ok since the baby and he will come in for an hour or two and hold him and feed him around once a week and then take our older son for the night. He brings my older son back on Saturday night so I have to get up early on Sunday to take him to sport. I don’t mind this because I want to make sure he gets there in time and see him play but sometimes ex then asks to have him Sunday afternoon too so I just get to do the early wake up and get all the stuff organised and then they get to relax together. Anyway I won’t go into all the details but he was upset that my son didn’t go back to his house one Sunday a few weeks ago. He didn’t text at all to ask to have him or to come see us. Since then he has been taking days to reply to very simple requests such as could he drop my sons iPad off when he only lives five minutes away. I asked if he could look at my washing machine because it stopped working and he just ignored me and basically said he hates me and I’m lucky to see him at all. It’s just so frustrating because they are his kids and all our clothes are piled up making life difficult. He’s going on about all sorts of things saying I got pregnant on purpose then chose to be a single mum and any problems are my own fault. He swore at me in front of the kids a few days ago. He has extremely bad depression and I think he might be jealous I’ve got a lot more going on in my life than him. He actually had it very good with flexible arrangements getting our older son and I always made him and his other child welcome to see the baby but now he’s being so abusive and ruining everything. I think I‘be just got to try and get some space and let him calm down. It’s just such a shame because now I don’t even want him in my house. When he gets into this frame of mind it’s impossible to reason with him

Basically the reason for my post is to ask whether other people have put up with bad behaviour from ex’s to keep the peace? My son loves him and as bad as he can be he is their father. I suppose I’ve still got to interact with him sometimes because I would not let him take my baby out except for a walk in the pram around the neighbourhood. I just really need to put some guidelines in place. At this point he really does nothing for me at all. No financial help, no school drop offs, no looking after baby while I do my study. In a way it would be a lot easier if we never had to see him at all but I know that’s not fair to him or the kids

Why are his needs seemingly more important than yours here?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Put your own self front and centre here because no-one else will and you have let him behave like this as well.

Where are your boundaries at here re this man, they need urgent revising upwards. Why is he at all coming to your place of residence?. I presume you have done this because on some level you are fearful of him. However, he is taking you for a complete idiot here and you're letting him do this to you.

He does not pay maintenance for either child and has left you to bring up his children. At the very least he should be financially repsonsible for his children and I would certainly now start to formalise all access arrangements through the court system. He treated you very poorly when you were with him and he has not changed; such selfish and entitled men like your ex do not want to be amicable. He just wants to have power and control over you and you've been handing that over to him.

Thanks for replying. My mum was a single parent and I never saw my dad so she always tells me to see the positives of the relationship between him and my son. I was letting him come and spend time at my house because the baby is eight months and needs me nearby and all his toys food and equipment are here. He doesn’t pay anything much because he’s not working and that’s because he’s got bad mental health but he’s also very self pitying and self indulgent. He was messaging me today saying that I get benefits for the children so I shouldn’t complain (which I wasn’t). He couldn’t look after them even if he wanted to half the time he sleeps through the day and his phone is off so he couldn’t even do the school run. He paid to get our sons iPad screen fixed and is asking for half the money. I said I will send it when I get paid but that I’ll be interested to see if he pays half of the next expense I have for them. Also the screen broke at his house because my son had it on a bunk bed listening to an audio book and he should have checked on him and made sure everything was ok. He is a total prick but I will just feel so guilty because my son will be heartbroken if he can’t see him. Plus it will make life difficult for both our extended families with more tension if I escalate things.

He's very angry isn't he? Much as I hate to say it you might need to do some counselling together (cbt type thing)

He isn't being fair. It isn't you and he need to do the overnight on Saturday and pay. But until he gets through his resentment that won't happen. Even then it's 50/50 and it could be that he's always a sick snd you have to resort to court.

So maybe mediation which is legally binding and will have someone else telling him he's being a cunt?