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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he interested? What should I do?

21 replies

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/08/2020 12:52

So met him last year. Very sporadic dates (maybe once a month or six weeks). Ended up after a while telling him that I liked him and if he wants something more we would have to spend more time together tp get to know one another. He told me he wanted to just be friends. Fair enough. Never has he kissed me pr touched me in any non-platonic way.

So we kept in touch. It became more and more frequent texts and meetings. At times he told me he didn’t want a relationship anymore. He has opened up a lot about his life, past relationships and hopes and dreams. He asks my opinions constantly about his life and future. Again still not as much as a small touch.

We weren’t in touch for a couple of months (I stopped replying to him for about a month and then got in touch again) We met once and the next week he invited me on a short holiday to his holiday home. I am with him now. He seems a bit emotional, and we have become a lot closer. He does everything for me, takes me out to dinner, cooks breakfast and lunch and does whatever I fancy, taking care when I fell ill one afternoon. Yesterday he told me I am quite cold to him, and I don’t open up.

Anyway my question is, I do like him still. Why does he act this way? Has he chnaged his mind? And what do I do? Don’t want to throw myself at him, or broach the subject directly. But I do want to cultivate it and not scare him off.

Ideas?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 04/08/2020 12:54

Sorry for the directness of the question, but have you shagged?

Hairthrowaway · 04/08/2020 12:54

You started dating a year ago and literally nothing has happened since. I don’t think this is going to work. You haven’t even kissed.

MizMoonshine · 04/08/2020 12:55

You need to talk to him.
Tell him that you feel you are getting mixed signals and ask him again, what he wants.

Original poster

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/08/2020 12:59

No we haven’t shagged. Nor kissed

The thing is did we start dating? Or we just kind of met and had a bunch of dinners? It’s very hazy when you don’t do anything physical/romantic

I don’t feel up for rejection so don’t want to bring it up. I think he should, but I just want to encourage him somehow.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/08/2020 13:06

He now keeps saying it would be nice to have a relationship (in A passing way). Also has asked me if I want kids. He is not sure about kids but he said if he was in love woth someone who wants kids he would have them.

At the same time he is not sure if he wants to stay in our country.

I like him a lot but getting super confused....

OP posts:

Hairthrowaway · 04/08/2020 13:07

What country are you from? Maybe it’s a cultural thing for him, but personally I think if he wanted you he would have been crystal clear by now. He’s weird

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/08/2020 13:55

You're his pseudo-gf. He gets to do all the bits he likes with you as a friend along with the emotional support of a pseudo-gf and the ego boast of knowing you want more.

His passing comments about maybe wanting a relationship and kids are not subtle hints he wants those with you. He's just telling you as a friend and warning you as pseudo-gf that he is now open to having a real gf (and that won't be you).

Either accept you have a friendship only - and people do open up more to new friends as they get to know them - or move on. You've spend a year of your life hanging on to a vague hope he'll see the light and realise you're the one. And nothing at all suggests that has happened.

velourvoyageur · 04/08/2020 14:08

Is it a reciprocal friendship or have you become a counsellor? A lot of men fall into the role of being counselled - talking about themselves and enjoying being pampered emotionally - without perhaps realising they’re not giving a lot back and that things have become unbalanced. Often because they see women in a certain way, as carers, so in their mind there is no imbalance as this order of things appears natural. Without wanting to be unkind, I’m not sure it should be seen as a sign of romantic interest. This may be stopping you from meeting someone who is available for a relationship.

Original poster

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/08/2020 16:17

Oh no. I moved on the moment he said he wants friendship. Not holding on to anything (there isn’t much to hold on to really) but I do like him and would potentially give it a chance if he wants to. He has been keeping in touch more. Taking me to dinners etc. So far it’s all talking hypothetically about life and kids and relationships, keeping career options open etc. I think he has commitment issues. He is English. I am not but have lived in many countries and done boarding school in england so kind know the culture. Is it common for men to take women they have no interest in on holiday? The pseudo GF thing seems kind of plausible....

I can’t even get a clear sense of whether he likes me. All strange given this couply holiday. Exhausting too. Any strategies how I can get him to open up about his feelings a bit more?

OP posts:

IncandescentSilver · 04/08/2020 17:34

Are you entirely sure he's single? I say this because I was once duped by a man acting similarly (seemed to be very interested in me, loads of eye contact and flirting, went on holiday with another couple, etc but never made a move) and it turned out he was in a long term, LDR and was presumably telling himself that he wasn't being unfaithful, while using me as an ego boost.

Its a bit odd taking you to his holiday apartment and then telling you you're being cold. Almost as if he wants you to make the first move for instance.

How much do you really know about this man?

Original poster

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/08/2020 18:39

No he is single. He has told me and is on FB profile as well. I know him well, life history, relationships, careers, everything. He is quite open and talks about himself and his options a lot. On this trip he is most of the times quite warm, but if I complement him he ignores it altogether, or accidentally touch him doesn’t do anything.

OP posts:

Menora · 04/08/2020 18:45

This sounds really unattractive. Whether he is shy or unsure, it’s also really not ok for him to lead you on and not seem to want to talk about it. You have let yourself be led down a winding path of hope by all this wishy washy talk, would you ever be able to trust and communicate with him properly? Even a friendship is based on honesty and communication. You are 2 lonely people on holiday together by the sounds of things... which is fine if it’s what you both want. you don’t want to end up his easy option companion where he can avoid all emotional intimacy. He’s not being very fair on you, but you need to be more up front with him. I would be cold too if I was you as I am sure you are trying to protect yourself
You already seem to be putting his needs above your own

Bemorechicken · 04/08/2020 18:54

@AnaViaSalamanca

There are two men I know who do this constantly and have done for years.

One is a serial committment phobe -he will never marry or settle down but he is a millionaire with a life style to boot -wanting children etc. but doesn't want to part with any money if there was a break up. In short he has been through multiple women -usually without sex (fear of getting her pregnant) -then two years ago -aged 55 he got a surrogate and had twins -his biological twins and now has a nanny raising the children. He still has "girlfriends" but he will never marry -never risk the money and now he has the children he yearned for. I don't thing his latest 25 year old knows that he has had the snip.

The second is gay. We know, he knows, his family knows -all of us have mentioned it. He has a girlfriend -long term -he is 60 -no children. I think the only person blind to it is her -she lives overseas. He won't have a gay relationship -ultra religious background. Girlfriend after 20 years, is still hoping for marriage and kids.

Please ditch him and get a proper relationship and get a proper friend -as he doesn't sound like one.

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 04/08/2020 18:56

He likes you as a friend only but is not acknowledging or empathising with the fact that you like him more than that.

Opentooffers · 04/08/2020 19:29

I'd probably wait until the last day of the holiday to make a move, or just ask him what his deal is. That's if you're enjoying the friendship holiday. Just find out, you'll have to risk the rejection, though if he's not making any eye contact or you never catch him looking at you, I think its unlikely. It's his weirdness.

DianaT1969 · 04/08/2020 19:42

Don't make a move. You'll only feel rejected. He might be gay. He may just want attention but no commitment. Enjoy the holiday.
The only man I knew like this had a long-term serious girlfriend overseas. I knew him from work, knew him well. But he kept her quiet. He ended up marrying her (divorced about 7 years later).

popcornlover · 04/08/2020 20:04

As PP have suggested, he may have a girlfriend. Men in relationships are expert at hiding it when they want to. Be very wary of social media that you think tells you a man is single. It’s a facade. Means nothing. There will be a long term girlfriend in reality. He won’t sleep with you so that in his mind he is being loyal to his gf, but he sure as hell wants your attention. It’s very common. GF are always non the wiser.

Notcoolmum · 04/08/2020 21:35

What are the sleeping arrangements on holiday? Did you pay your way? Why did you agree to go?

backseatcookers · 04/08/2020 21:44

This might sound over simplified but... why on earth can't you just ask him what is going on from his point of view?! He doesn't get to secretly dictate to you what the status of your relationship is, it's madness you haven't just had a chat about it other than hypotheticals! You need to speak to him, it doesn't need to be awkward as it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to know how sees your relationship.

conduitoffortune · 04/08/2020 22:01

This sounds like such a strange situation. It's like the polar opposite of the usual situations when men offer sex but none of the dinner/short breaks/long conversations

shewolves · 04/08/2020 22:46

No, he doesn't like you . When there's mutual chemistry you can't keep your hands off each other from the get go .

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