AIBU to ask you to be kind with your answers? TW Abuse - I think?

[pepsicolagirl]

I don't know where to start so I apologise if I drip feed. I found out the other day that my husband of 8 yrs (together 18) has been calling me nasty names like Lazy Fat Bitch behind my back to our 14yo daughter. Is this deemed to be abuse?! I want to tell him its legally seen as abuse and that he needs to stop but I don't know if it actually is?

I work from home, ran my own business pre lockdown but its hospitality stuff so no work from that until very recently and I took on full time hours temping for another company to make ends meet. OH pays the mortgage and bills as he has a much higher and much more regular income than I do. This was his idea. I pay for things the kids need like clothing etc. I do all of the shopping, cooking and the majority of the housework (except the gardening which he does but very vocally hates doing).

When he is unhappy the whole house knows it. It's hard to explain without me feeling like I'm going nuts but he kind of just goes really silent and huffy but doesn't actually address the problem?! If I try he just makes me feel like I am overthinking and it leaves me feeling anxious for days. He won't do anything socially, if he has come along to things in the past most of the time he will find an excuse to get into a bad mood and leave. I have taken to making sure I drive to places if we go together purely so I know I can get home. If I want to go out on the weekend if we have a day off together he doesn't want to come along - I don't mean a full day out I mean even a walk around our local park.

Anyway, after our daughter told me what he said I just couldn't face an argument (I know how this makes me sound. I hate that I feel so weak) so I just didn't really speak to him other than when I had to. I just felt like I was going to break down and I didn't want to do that. He works from home too at the moment. This morning he got up and said goodbye to our 5yr old (I was in the room too) so I asked where he was going (?) and he replied he was having to travel to a factory up north for work and didn't know when he would be back. Its not unusual for him to go away for a night for work but usually it is planned in advance and he would actually tell me.

I just don't know what to do. Has anyone been through this sort of thing and come out with their marriage intact?
I have no family or friends to go to, no savings, no pension, joint mortgage but he pays it and I feel like I have to put up and shut up to keep my children in a family unit and I feel so sad at the moment.

Of course you can leave... you have half a house, at least.

As others said, not illegal. However, when it comes to contact with children slating of the other parent is one of the very few reasons it can be stopped - family courts take a very dim view of this even if you can’t take him to a criminal court. You’re getting some good advice - please consider it - and be kind to yourself- neither you, nor your daughter deserve this.

I can understand why you sent the message. Otherwise you wouldn't get to say everything to him directly as he'd either cut you off or swing the conversation back to your fault. A few things you have said jusy reminded me of the end of my marriage. He also just went off on work trips without telling me, spoke to me in a similar manner. He was having an affair. The pieces of the puzzle fitted when I found everything out.

And the fact he is speaking to your daughter like that. It's not normal.

I would sell the house. Go to a one bedroom flat with your daughter. It will be much better than living walking on eggshells.

You say you don’t have any savings or pension but does he? As you are married then you are legally entitled to half of the savings and if you were to divorce you’d probably receive some of his pension. As the property is a matrimonial home then you should be entitled to half of the equity (all of that is obviously caveated with seeing a lawyer and 50:50 is a starting point...lots of things to take into consideration....etc, etc, etc). As you are married and he is a high earner you shouldn’t have “nothing”. Do you have access to a joint account and how are your finances arranged? The leaving you during a day out is really bad. Did he really do that?! There’s an online calculator that you can use to work out how much UC etc you would be entitled to should you decide to go. You don’t have to put your with being badly treated and your daughters don’t need to be taught that women deserve to be treated without respect.

Yes he has gone off a few times. Once at my sisters where he stormed out because nobody was "controlling the screaming kids" (it was a birthday party) and one time at his uncles wedding 300 miles away when he walked out and left me, our daughter and our then 2yr old to get back to our hotel in the middle of nowhere. He just doesn't like social things. My birthday every year pretty much he stomps off or loses his shit about something. In fact if he doesn't do it then my family comments on what a nice guy he is and what a lovely time its been.

I thought maybe we could talk tonight so I cooked the meal I had planned (otherwise it would have gone bad) and he huffed a thanks, ate half in silence in the next room and then disappeared upstairs.

He confronted me asking exactly what I want to do about my problems and I just went to jelly. Currently I have £400 in my account, a teenager, a 5yr old and an aged dog he dislikes. I have no family or friends with space for us and a temporary job which without decent WiFi I will lose very quickly.

We have a joint mortgage but we don't have a joint account. He has savings but im not sure about the amount and he makes it clear that its not my money. I honestly think if he thought I was trying to get any he would spend it away. He's so angry I think he actually hates me and I have no idea what to do.

You're not being childish, please don't worry about what PP said. And also, I don't think it's awful at all that you would be relieved if he found an OW. That to me is a big indication of how wrong things are in your relationship.

You need to consider that fear is stopping you from seeing the bigger picture. What I mean by that, is that when you're looking for what support you would be eligible for if you leave, you'll see the worst possible outcome and assume that's the best. That's confirmation bias at play. You'll give up before you start, because you'll think you'll starve to death, but women manage it every day and so can you.

The things he has been saying are abusive. You don't have to have physical bruises to contact Women's Aid, as far as I'm aware. Take everything one step at a time, don't panic about anything further away than what you'll be doing tomorrow. Call and enquire, go to your nearest CAB or the equivalent for where you are. And always come back here to sort through your thoughts. I know what it feels like to have things jumbled in your head, it's awful. Let other people help you to put things into perspective x

Op - you are not reading what people are saying.

If you are married you are almost certainly entitled to at least 50% of everything. See a solicitor asap! He can't say that the money is his - legally you are entitled to your share.

@Arrivederla

Op - you are not reading what people are saying.

If you are married you are almost certainly entitled to at least 50% of everything. See a solicitor asap! He can't say that the money is his - legally you are entitled to your share.

I understand that. I do. But he will not make that process easy, solicitors are not free and although its good to know i would be entitled to half the equity etc that's not going to put a roof over our heads right away. That's what I'm fearful of. Mine and my 2 kids immediate future.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

You're not being childish, please don't worry about what PP said. And also, I don't think it's awful at all that you would be relieved if he found an OW. That to me is a big indication of how wrong things are in your relationship.

You need to consider that fear is stopping you from seeing the bigger picture. What I mean by that, is that when you're looking for what support you would be eligible for if you leave, you'll see the worst possible outcome and assume that's the best. That's confirmation bias at play. You'll give up before you start, because you'll think you'll starve to death, but women manage it every day and so can you.

The things he has been saying are abusive. You don't have to have physical bruises to contact Women's Aid, as far as I'm aware. Take everything one step at a time, don't panic about anything further away than what you'll be doing tomorrow. Call and enquire, go to your nearest CAB or the equivalent for where you are. And always come back here to sort through your thoughts. I know what it feels like to have things jumbled in your head, it's awful. Let other people help you to put things into perspective x

Thank you, you have been so lovely. I really do appreciate it.

I know you're right about fear holding me back. I have spoken to womens aid. They said that they can help me but I need to be prepared to leave the area he lives in. That means uprooting my daughter just as she's going into year10 and taking my son away from his friends just when he was excited to see them again. I don't think I can do that to them. They also said my dog would not be able to come with us. She's 15 and I've had her since she was a puppy, I know people will say she's just a dog but she's more than that to me.

OP WA are talking about you going to a refuge. That's a last resort surely? Also, I'm surprised they didn't tell you about the various pet fostering schemes there are that could temporarily house your dog until you get something more permanent sorted.

Check out the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship which tells you everything you need to know about ending a relationship. If you're not in England, then do a search for where you are in the UK as laws vary.

You can contact Gingerbread for info on child contact, maintenance etc

You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women or FLOWS. The Family Law Panel has a range of solicitors, some offering lower rates for those earning under a certain amount. Those with a purple ribbon are trained in DV.

Get your hands on mortgage details, bank accounts, savings, pensions etc to prepare. Make copies of those documents.

You don't have to move out of the family home and I strongly suggest you do not. A family law solicitor will give you more info on that.

Start taking evidence. Date/Time/Event/How it made you feel/Witness-evidence.

For example:

4/8/20 10:30am Partner called me names It made me feel demeaned and upset. He did this in front of my friend who was there for coffee.

Thank you I appreciate the advice very much.

This is abuse OP - emotional, financial, psychological. You are, sadly, in an abusive relationship. He sounds just like my ex - the walking on eggshells so as not to upset him, blaming yourself for upsetting him, the idea of his money as opposed to family money, the complete refusal to see the work you do raising the kids as of value, even using your teenage daughter to perpetuate the abuse by calling you names to her.

She told you what he said as she knows what's going on, poor girl. she is old enough now to twig. To stay in this relationship is really an awful example for her - it was one of the biggest factors that compelled me to end it. I didn't want my DD thinking that was what a normal relationship was.

As you are joint owners of the house he cannot throw you out. You are entitled to 50% equity, as you are married (I was not) you will be entitled to share of pension etc. Please please go to a solicitor asap, for me it was the best thing I ever did. Gave me peace of mind and let me know what I was actually entitled to, not what HE said I was entitled to.

Also read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" about abusive relationships, it absolutely opened my eyes and helped me to start psychologically freeing myself.

Good luck, it is an awful process to start but it does get better once you are free! I now NEVER have to listen to my ex call me names again, and it is great, my life is peace now.

So what happens if I stay in the family home? We have no spare room so I will be sleeping on the sofa I guess. I know he is going to make this as awkward as possible. I know it.

You poor thing, your husband is horrendous. He has done a real number on you. Yes, things may be difficult for a while, but please remember it will be temporary.

You will get through it. You deserve better, and your children deserve better. I grew up in an abusive home and am still trying to come to terms with it at over 50.
Divorcing will show your children that a woman does not have to stay in an abusive situation.

Please keep posting here, you will get wonderful support.

Having read your update he leaves social occasions dramatically ruins your birthday.
He's so angry I think he actually hates me and I have no idea what to do
He is just a hateful person don't take it in anyway personal.
People like him only spread meanness anger you wont change him.
Take your time explore your options you can do this anything would be better than him grinding you down, he has started on DD it's time to get rid.

OP he probably will make it awkward, can't Lie to you about that, but you will get through it. My ex was super awkward, it took me three years to get him to sell the house, he blocked me every which way but I did it in the end. We did have a spare room so at least I had my own room but he would not move out so I had to live with him like that for 3 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I never would have believed I had the strength to do it. But here I am - in my own house and in peace.

I couldn't let my DD carry on seeing the abuse - she was growing up and starting to be aware of what was going on.

He has woken up this morning furious. Just told our DD he wants us out because of my "psycho bullshit". He has screamed and shouted at me that because he pays for everything and got a loan (his idea) to bail me out of debt. He did this though following an episode which ended with him trying to choke me and slapping me and I made him leave. He came back after a few weeks. Child protection were involved because our then 4yr old witnessed the whole thing. I didn't press charges because I had shoved him first and I felt like it was my fault.
But yeah, he just keeps asking me if I have made a decision, keeps saying he pays so he can do what he likes, I feel so broken

@pepsicolagirl You need to get him out some how or leave he has already acted violent towards you. He is like a poisonous worm and now he is pushing his poison onto the DC.
You need help to do it. He is not taking any responsibility it is not a good environment for the DC.

Tell him yes the decision is your officially separated under the same roof. I just worry he'll get violent if he thinks it is over. Tell a neighbour or friend in RL.

he won't leave. says everything was working before I went behind his back (?)

Pepsi, how old is your dd? Do you think he is using her to tell you so he doesn't have to himself? Even if its just for the sake of your dd you need to get out of this toxic environment.

Do you have family or anyone nearby who you can speak to. Someone needs to know what is happening as he sounds volatile.

I have told my siblings and they all know what hes like, he doesn't try to hide it.
Nobody has spare rooms otherwise I would probably have left a long time ago tbh. DD is 14. The same age I was when my parents split funnily enough